Time to Get Acquainted With New Class of Clowns

I’m here, back from vacation, and you’d need one, too, if you were looking at another six months of hard time with Jim Tracy explaining how he micro manages all the Dodger guys.

But I’m all refreshed now, and although most of my hair has been cut off -- it wasn’t until the barber was done cutting my hair that he explained he was a UCLA fan -- I’m eager to greet the guys when we get together today at SBC Park to start the baseball season.

As you know, I grew rather fond of the Choking Dogs last year and became quite friendly with some of the players, which pretty much ended their Dodger careers.

Maybe there is a better explanation, but I was on good joking terms with Shawn Green, Paul Lo Duca, Alex Cora, Adrian Beltre, Steve Finley and Robin Ventura and they are all gone now.

Shoot, I used to have fun with Kevin Malone, Dan Evans, Brian Jordan, Eric Karros and F.P. Santangelo in the newspaper, and they’re all gone, too.

I also took a lot of swings at Jason Grabowski in the newspaper last year, but he’s still here, which goes to show you we have something in common: We both swing and miss a lot.

Well, here we go again. The Dodgers have a whole new collection of clowns -- I watched them try to catch the ball against the Los Angeles Angels -- and I’m worried we might not hit it off.

I would imagine some of the new guys haven’t even heard of the Grocery Store Bagger, so it’s not like they’re going to feel any sympathy for me and the pending arrival of the ugly grandchild.

I’ve always tried to be up-front with folks, so when I stop by the clubhouse I’ll be telling the clowns the Bagger has them pegged to finish no better than third. (No reason I should take the heat for that.)

I know how Green, Lo Duca and Karros would have replied, but I’ve never met Jeff Kent, for example, and they tell me he’s a real beauty, a full-fledged graduate of the Kevin Brown Charm School.

I’ll start slowly with Kent, and be nice, using one-syllable words and grunting on occasion, because that seemed to be the best way to communicate with Brown.

But I want to talk to Kent about this story I read while I was away that had him asking the Dodgers’ sergeant at arms, Milton Bradley, to call a team meeting.

The two combined to hit .166 during spring training, so I can’t imagine they pulled everyone together with the intent of inspiring them. But if that’s the case, then I’d guess they were followed on the program by Hee-Seop Choi and Elmer Dessens discussing some of their great major league moments.

Hey, we’ve already got a problem with Sarge. He still doesn’t think he’s an angry young man, and a couple of weeks ago he was quoted in an Internet story, which didn’t get any play in L.A., saying, “I want to be a role model. That’s important to me.”

Yeah, that’s what our youngsters need to see, a bunch of Dodgers breaking bats over their knees, berating umpires and throwing bottles at the feet of customers who have now been moved closer to the playing field to save Bradley’s arm.

The Sarge is playing center field, as you know, because he asked center fielder J.D. Drew to join him for a private chat earlier this spring, and when they returned Drew was suddenly a right fielder.

I hope to meet Drew, by the way, before he gets hurt. That’s why I’m getting to the stadium today several hours before the start of batting practice.

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IT’S AMAZING what you miss when you go away. I had to take the wife to a bed and breakfast because when you’ve been married for thirtysomething years, I feel strongly it’s just one of those things you should probably do every decade or so.

So this was our second trip to a bed and breakfast, and as sacrifices go, you have no idea. It was Final Four on Saturday, and we checked into a room not equipped with a TV. When you’ve been married so long you’ve talked about everything you can possibly talk about, so there really wasn’t much else to do.

There was a whirlpool in the room, but the wife said she didn’t pack her bathing suit, so we went to dinner, and if you like your steak served cold, the bum’s rush when it comes to service and being charged $7 for two cups of coffee, I recommend the Parkway Grill in Pasadena. Or coming to our house for dinner.

I would’ve sent the steak back, but as I’ve learned, you never know where UCLA graduates are working these days.

Thank heavens, though, I was in a good mood. Just before we left, I had taken a call from Sports Editor Bill Dwyre. I don’t have caller ID. He said the Dodgers had dismissed their top two PR guys on the recommendation of crisis management specialists hired by the Boston Parking Lot Attendant six weeks ago.

I laughed. The specialists must be working pro bono for the poor guy. I’ve been dispensing advice on one Dodger crisis after another and for only 50 cents a day, and that’s been too much for the Parking Lot Attendant to handle.

Shoot, the first time I heard one of their PR guys mention the word “mascot” I knew he was a goner.

The specialists are now looking for new spin doctors to fix the sickly image of Dodger owners’ Frank and Jamie McCourt. They probably want someone who has worked for both Donald Sterling and Georgia Frontiere.

I’m sure a check of local asylums is underway.

The parking lot guy, meanwhile, told The Times he was getting rid of his current image makers because, “When I hear a phone call hasn’t been returned or something hasn’t been done the right way, that’s unacceptable for me. We all have to be communicating and clear and have the necessary follow-through.”

It’s been 61 days since McCourt’s wife promised to call me, and despite several public reminders, she has failed to do so, while getting a promotion on Final Four weekend from her husband.

If it got him out of going to a bed and breakfast with her, I understand.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.