Ashton Kutcher was a giddy goofball Friday on "The
The big reveal? A new baby is pretty much like a new cellphone.
"When you first get them, you're all excited," the "Two and a Half Men" star said about having a baby. "And you're like ready to do all these things and you have all these dreams and then you realize it's like getting a new cellphone where all the features don't work yet.
"It's like a phone that won't take pictures ... and it won't make calls, and it doesn't do a lot, but it looks really cute."
Apparently the cutie -- who's 2 months, 12 days old, Dad specified, not that he's counting -- caught a look at herself recently and figured out, hey, that's me.
"She found herself in the mirror and realized she was able to control the thing in the mirror, which was pretty cool," Kutcher said.
The couple doesn't have a nanny, he told DeGeneres, falling all over himself to praise Kunis for being an awesome mom and also getting a bit more serious about parenting.
"We just want to know our kid," the 36-year-old said. "We want to be the people that know what to do when the baby's crying to make the baby not cry anymore .... We want to be emotionally in touch with her, and I think the only way you can do that is by being the one who's there."
Not that the entire interview was serious.
Kutcher was left practically speechless by Ellen's question about whether
"Here's the thing," he said, contorting his face as if struggling to say or not to say something. "If you're working on the Warner Bros. lot, if there's sirens, come save ME."
Also, he said: "If you smell something, I wasn't smokin' it"
Good to know!