Good news, everyone!
"I've been busy. I didn't lose the weight -- that was a plot twist I didn't expect," the comic quipped. "And you may have noticed during my time off I adopted a beard that I found by the highway. It helps me go around without being noticed."
Even though the debut of the "Colbeard" was a sensation that "burned the Internet to the ground" -- and landed him the cover of Homeless Sea Captain Monthly -- Colbert decided it was time to do away with his graying furry friend.
He'll just have to find another place to keep his fork when he's not using it.
In the early promo for the post-
"I need to be more cognito," he joked. "Plus CBS is making me shave it off because Tom Selleck's mustache has a noncompete clause."
The usually clean-shaven comic insisted that he needed to find a new look for the new job.
"As the host of a late night show I have to give people what they want and there is nothing that people want more than Not-Hitler. Then he proceeded to shave off the hair right under his nose and called the remaining statement beard the "Un-Hitler."
Millennials and the Amish were his reasons for his mustache's demise. And his sideburns -- and the "half-Wolverine" -- also fell victim to the shaver. As did a plate of a half-eaten hot dog.
Colbert's "Late Show With Stephen Colbert" premieres on CBS on Sept. 8. Until then, watch this promo to see his to-do list in the background and see the surprise ending. Nope, it doesn't end with "classic clean Colbert" after all.