For a trimmer, more sculpted you
Growing a beard is an exercise in Zen-like neglect that I attempted in the run-up to the World Beard and Moustache Championships, held Memorial Day weekend in Anchorage.
Removing it, however, proved to be a bit more labor-intensive -- especially since my goal was to attempt as many of the 18 categories of mustaches and beards from the competition as possible along the way (strictly in the confines of the hotel room).
It took only 20 minutes, one nicked chin and two unofficial styles of beard I’ll call “meth dealer” and “Manson” to realize the Gillette Atra razor and standard-issue beard trimmer I had in my arsenal were not the right tools for the job. My sorry excuse for a Musketeer landing-strip beard and mustache would have been better shaped by Porthos’ rapier itself.
So it was with some amusement that I remembered the last thing my editor had handed me before I left Los Angeles: a new rechargeable manscaping gizmo called the Conair Chopper Facial Trimmer, which I’d promptly left on the corner of my desk solely because the contoured safety-yellow plastic case and black rubber nonslip grip made it look faintly like scuba gear.
Once back in the lower 48, I gave the gadget my full attention and wished I’d done so earlier. Though I could do without the custom-car color scheme and most of the promised “11-piece kit” (one piece is a tube of blade-lubricating oil, another piece is a storage pouch), there was one gadget that could have literally helped me save face: an 8-millimeter-wide precision blade that swaps out for the 30-millimeter width with no more effort than flipping open the cap on a shampoo bottle.
It’s this blade that allows accurate detail work in the confined real estate between the lower lip and the chin; with it, going from goatee to Musketeer would have been as simple as making two quick passes with the clipper instead of hacking the hair into shape. If I’d had this unit with me in Anchorage, forget the beard -- I could probably have etched the word “Musketeer” across my face from mutton chop to mutton chop. In cursive.
Even though the Chopper may look like a submersible Sony Walkman, neither the device nor the facial hair should be soaking wet: A beard that’s just slightly damp and combed in the direction of growth trims best.
By using a five-position plastic comb that snaps over the blade (another useful one of those 11 pieces), would-be beard groomers can do their trimming one pass at a time without fear of accidentally taking off too much -- and keep it uniform once the desired length is achieved.
Whatever you do, go slowly. As one unfortunate version of my hastily hacked half-’stache can attest, once one side is history, your choices are limited: even it up or take it all off.
If you’re hankering to engage in some hirsute handiwork, you can pick up the Conair Chopper Facial Trimmer, $27.99, at www .conair.com.
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