New Year’s resolutions from around the NBA

Happy New Year?

Heaven knows, some people need one day every year to make resolutions, whether they think so or not.

David Stern -- So I said a woman will make the NBA in 10 years. What’s wrong with that?

Me -- One year at the U.S. Olympic camp in Colorado Springs, people were saying the women’s team lost a pickup game to the men’s handball team.

Stern -- You know how I get in interviews. That’s why the entire front row at my news conferences is reserved for my people, so I can tell I said the wrong thing if they get a look of horror.

Me -- Didn’t Gary Bettman do that once?

Stern -- Right. Just before we sent him to the NHL.

Jerry Buss -- As I’ve said before, my son Jim is taking over the day-to-day operation.

Me -- So why do you keep saying it?

Buss -- Maybe someone will believe it one of these years.

Phil Jackson -- There’s nothing like a family organization, especially when I’m in the family.

Jim Buss -- Put a wedding ring on my sister’s finger and we’ll talk, uh, bro.

Kobe Bryant -- No resolutions for The Times. You guys have ticked me off, as has ESPN, as has . . .

Me -- I got it. Who hasn’t?

Kobe -- Remember that paper in grade school, the Weekly Reader? They’ve been pretty balanced.

Shaquille O’Neal -- You guys were writing me off when I was at Cole High School, so nothing any of you says about my age or my career-low scoring average bothers me.

Me -- Happy to hear it. Any resolutions?

Shaq -- Check the Weekly Reader.

Donald T. Sterling -- I did everything you ever said. I even gave Chris Kaman a $50-million extension, and what has he ever done?

Me -- You know he’s averaging 20 points and could even be an All-Star?

Sterling -- Aside from that, I mean?

George Shinn, New Orleans owner -- I don’t know why you’re so hard on Donald. I rely on his advice. He just said it’s OK to dump one of my starters, Devin Brown, to get out of paying luxury tax.

Me -- How can you keep Chris Paul if you don’t have enough players and can’t make the playoffs?

Shinn -- Donald will tell me when the time comes.

Former Chicago GM John Paxson -- I quit to become a consultant, so I don’t have to talk to you guys. Ask our new GM, Gar Forman.

Forman -- I don’t know if we have any resolutions. John hasn’t told me.

Dan Gilbert, Cleveland owner -- How come you guys keep making up stories about LeBron James leaving?

Me -- We call that “speculation,” since he took a shorter contract for less money to be a free agent this summer.

Gilbert -- What do you media elites have against the Midwest? Our winters may be tough, but we’re the heartland!

Me -- I know, I’m from the Midwest.

Gilbert -- Oh, you know how it is here. That explains everything.

Me -- OK, my turn. I made a mistake or two, like the times (yes, plural) I put the wrong day for a game. Of course, I take sole responsibility, even if I was within a day or two of being right, had a lot on my mind, and somebody else is supposed to catch those.