Gifts Any Sports Fan Will Truly Appreciate

Last-minute shopping? I went to a toy store in my neighborhood and found all sorts of neat stuff:

The Marcus Allen Doll. Wind him up and he goes nowhere.

Steve Howe’s Nine Lives. The sensational new action game from Steinbrenner Brothers. Knock him down eight times and he still pops right back up! (Not suitable for children ages 1 to 92.)

Marge. The new fragrance from Redlawn. Try it and you’ll say to yourself: “Mmmm. Something around here sure smells funny.”

Monica Seles Designer Cotton Swabs. For men and women in all colors. Stick ‘em in your ears! Suddenly you’ll think of her as the quietest player in tennis. (For orders to England, please add $4 for shipping.)

Riddick Bowe No-Belt Boxing. Why fight the best contender when there are so many bums you can flatten first? With new Riddick Bowe No-Belt Boxing, you can just throw that championship belt of yours in the trash! Hey, kids! Isn’t it more fun to knock somebody out than to be knocked out yourself? Come on! Join Riddick Bowe! Pick a bum and come out fighting!

San Diego Padre 1993 Action Baseball. No Santiago, no Myers, no Lefferts, no Hurst. Yes, you heard right. Batteries not included.

Arazi! The world’s happiest stuffed horse! He’s French! He’s expensive! He looks really fast! But, guess what? He’s not! He’s so slow, even your toddler can keep up with him! He couldn’t outrun a Chia Pet! Cardboard window and $2 in play-money included so you can bet and lose on Arazi, just like a real horseplayer! So, come on, sing along! He’s A-Racer! He’s A-Placer! He’s Arazi!

“Bram Stoker’s Ditka.” New on home video. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Tark. The unhappy shark. Adopt him.

Mailman! The fraidy cat. Mailman. He won’t play with your cat because he’s too, too afraid! Mailman. He may act like your friend, but don’t let that fool you. When the time comes, he will go his own way. Mailman. Don’t ever count on him. He won’t be there when you need him most! Mailman. Season’s greetings from Utah Toys.

Dierdorf. Pull the string and it talks and talks and talks and talks.

Martina Navratilova 1993 Colorado Wilderness Calendar. With complete listing of “365 Good Days for Gays to Consider Moving to Another State.”

Richard Petty Auto Racing. Finish first, finish last; it doesn’t matter. Be like the King. Race with humor and class.

Remington Head Shaver. Want to resemble a professional athlete? Now you can. Safeway Baseball. Outfox your opponents. Work on their sympathies. Tell them you want to buy San Francisco’s baseball team, but that you don’t have as much money as somebody else from out of town who’s bidding against you. The object is to be the most convincing. “Ooooh, I’m so, so sorry. I only have $100 million to spend. Boo hoo.” Then, as soon as they fall for it, come up with millions and millions more to buy the most expensive baseball player. It’s business the Safeway way! Be like the big leaguers! Shaft somebody from another state! Whoever fools the owners of your game most, wins!

“The Mighty Rams.” Children’s story about a big company that wants to own a funny football team. New from Walt Disney.

“The Mighty Angels.” Children’s story about a big company that wants to own a funny baseball team. Also from Walt Disney.

SportsChannel. The game nobody watches.

“Michael Jordan Big-Money Golf.” The complete guide for amateur golfers who want to know what it feels like to give away huge sums of money. Miss a six-inch putt? You owe $10,000! Three-putt a green? Make it $50,000! For free brochure on how to blow a fortune and where to meet undesirables to play with, call 1-800-SUCKER today. (Big-time operators are standing by.)

Sportswriter. The cheap-shot game.