Angry Readers Take Pen in Hand and . . .

Joshua Switzky of Encino writes:

I’ve seen more bench-clearing brawls in baseball this season alone than in all my years of watching hockey. For someone whose own mug is quite bone-jarring and mirror-cracking in itself, you seem oddly hung up on the inherent physicality of hockey. ...

It’s nice to get mail.

And it’s good to know that Josh, a sophomore at UC Berkeley and devout fan of the L. A. Kings, shares my opinion of the photograph that runs here three days a week. It’s even worse than the mug shot that mysteriously appeared here a few weeks ago, showing yours truly with a beard. (One colleague said it looked as though Charles Manson had been hired to take my place. An editor, meanwhile, expressed astonishment at the velocity of my whiskers. “The Chia Columnist,” he called me.)

Josh Switzky resorted to ad hominem attacks because of his anger with my comparisons of his beloved hockey to my beloved Roller Derby, the Kings to the T-Birds, The Great Gretzky to The Great Ralphie Valaderas. Other critics included 19-year-old Anna Marie Stachowski of Agoura Hills, who suggested that “before you decide to write . . . about hockey and hockey fans, perhaps it would be nice if you understood the game first!” She signed off with a prediction: “Los Angeles in six!”

Let it be noted that, for all my acknowledged ignorance, my prediction of Montreal in seven was closer to the mark. Turns out I was generous, since it only took the Canadiens five games.

Whatever. Now that Jurassic Mania is here, it’s easy to forget Kings Mania. For Josh, it’s a full-time passion. His letter seemed friendly at first, thanking me for confirming that the excitement over the Kings was but a passing fancy. (Was it ever.) “It pains me to know,” Josh wrote, “that rich doctors, businessmen, movie stars, and ex-actor Ronald Reagan, who watch hockey now only as a novelty . . . are sitting in the seats of true hockey fans and are forcing up prices . . .”

I was with Josh until he started to insult Roller Derby, baseball and the face that genetics gave me. It made me think that another pen pal had something more meaningful to say.

Leila McDermott of Sylmar writes:

I really shouldn’t be writing this letter, because I don’t trust you. You used my paragraph about Brit-bashing to make me look bad . . . . You may have the right to bash, but what about kindness, good manners and generosity?

This country, this world, has a long way to go before it will live harmoniously. Put-down ‘humor’ on television and constantly negative news and editorials may make some people feel good, but would they have the nerve to say them if they had to look the victim in the eye?

Mrs. McDermott, we have to stop meeting like this.

Some readers may recall that McDermott, who is very British and thus places a premium on civility, had asserted that I put down Great Britain--an entire nation! a former empire!--by simply suggesting that Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber and company were overly officious in refusing to grant Van Nuys High School permission to perform one of Webber’s musicals.

I’ll admit that, when I suggested I was proud to have Brit-bashed without mentioning the Royal Family, it probably wasn’t something I’d have said while looking the Queen Mother in the eye. Or even Leila McDermott, who contends that attempts at insult humor contribute to the mean-spiritedness of our times.

Well, sometimes, she may be right about that.

Still, you’d think a Brit might take more pride in the grand tradition of barbed wit. Sir Winston Churchill, of course, was a master.

Lady Astor, to Churchill: “If you were my husband, Winston, I’d put poison in your tea.”

He replied: “If I was your husband, Nancy, I’d drink it.”

And while Leila McDermott despairs of put-down humor, some readers like to indulge.

Laurie White of Glendale writes:

... once again I found myself reading your column, with vomit bag in hand. My response to your column is: COWARD!

I knew she’d write.

The last time Laurie White sent a letter, it was to fiercely defend the famously racist bit of poetry putting down illegal immigrants that Assemblyman Pete Knight of Palmdale circulated to some fellow lawmakers. Unable to confirm that she’d really sent the letter, I identified her only as “Laurie W.”

It was spineless of me, she suggests, not to have reprinted the anonymous poem. I pointed out, in both print and on the phone, that said poem already had been quoted extensively in this newspaper. Frankly, this month-old topic is getting as tedious as the question of whither Gretzky.

Laurie White seems determined to educate me through her insults, which may be what put-down humor is all about. She even made up a report card for me. Gave me F’s for Racism and Objectivity (“racist against own ancestors”); D’s for History and Ethics (“irresponsible journalist; publishes one-sided column in one-sided newspaper”); A’s for Sensitivity and Sycophantism (“brown-noses and idolizes brown people.”)

But at least, unlike Joshua Switzky, she didn’t make fun of the way I look. Or perhaps she was just more subtle about it, though subtlety doesn’t seem to be her style.

For Character, she gave me a C. Diagnosed me as both a “narcissist” and a “masochist.”

Could be that photo.