THE NBA /MARK HEISLER : Envelope Please, for These Custom-Made Awards

Don’t you find the postseason awards the league gives out too limiting?

A season like this one deserves special, custom-made awards. Luckily, I have some right here:

LEAST VALUABLE PLAYERS--Tie, Derrick Coleman, New Jersey Nets, and Latrell Sprewell, Golden State Warriors.

This is also known as the I-can’t-believe-I-blew-off-the-entire-season award.

Coleman received $4.2 million--his $9.4-mil-per-year extension kicks in next fall--while posting career lows in games played, rebounds, assists and shooting percentage. He capped it off by sitting out the last two weeks because of a sprained wrist. For his latest escapade, see below.

Sprewell was once considered a bargain at $890,000 a year but not this season, when he became an all-world pain in the rear. For his latest escapade, see below.

COMEBACK OF THE YEAR--Michael Jordan, Chicago Bulls. He went from the worst player in double-A baseball to the best basketball player in the world.

SPLASH AWARD--Washington Bullets. It’s always interesting to see who tanks worst at season’s end. Last season, there was a memorable three-way battle among the Milwaukee Bucks (they wound up with Glenn Robinson), Detroit Pistons (Grant Hill) and Minnesota Timberwolves (they couldn’t even win at this and wound up with Donyell Marshall). This season, the Bullets are in a class by themselves.

BAD EXECUTIVE OF THE YEAR--Jerry Reinsdorf, Bulls and White Sox. They ought to put his name on the trophy. If he had re-signed Horace Grant, the Bulls would be full-fledged title contenders. His White Sox were leading their division but the strike he led baseball’s hawks into torched their own World Series, angered their fans, cost the players six weeks of salary and gained them nothing.

Honorable mention--Jack McCloskey, Timberwolves (eased out but not before trading what may be a ’97 lottery pick to the Dallas Mavericks for Sean Rooks); Billy McKinney, Pistons (about to be canned, says the Detroit Free Press, after building a power in San Antonio, where he traded Dennis Rodman and Sean Elliott for Bill Curley); Willis Reed, Nets, (let players walk all over his coach, Butch Beard, refusing to suspend a single one of them for their many acts of insubordination).

ALWAYS LEAVE ‘EM LAUGHING AWARD--Miami Heat minority owners Billy Cunningham and Lew Schaffel, who traded for problem child Kevin Willis out of frustration, just before selling out--at a profit of $23.5 million apiece.

BEST HALF-SEASON AWARD--Rodman, Spurs. He got his teammates over the hump in 43 games, even if he wouldn’t talk to them outside of games and commercials.

WORST CORPORATE DECISION AWARD--Tie, Nike and Pizza Hut. They put Rodman in national ads. From 27 coaches and millions of parents, thanks a lot.

WANDERING GYPSIES AWARD--The Clippers just passed their deadline for notifying the Sports Arena if they intend to leave. They’ll be back at the same old stand next fall. Eight games in Anaheim. No new arena on the boards.

OOPS! AWARD--Jerry Colangelo, Phoenix Suns. Built a powerhouse and forgot only one little position--center.

THERAPIST OF THE YEAR AWARD--George Karl, Seattle SuperSonics. He harassed Kendall Gill into “symptoms of depression.”

WORST CAREER DECISION--P.J. Carlesimo, Portland Trail Blazers. He left a job worth $750,000 a year in salary and perks on a campus where everyone thought he was a god for Portland, where he could listen to a bunch of guys headed south tell him he doesn’t know anything about coaching in the NBA.

Honorable mention--Tim Grgurich, SuperSonics. Although he didn’t like dealing with the press, even as an NBA assistant coach with no pressure on him, he took the high-profile UNLV job before quitting with “exhaustion.” He’s now back in Seattle, mediating between Karl and Gary Payton.

BEST TALK, WORST WALK AWARD--Charlotte Hornets. As usual.

DAD OF THE YEAR--Jerry Buss, Lakers.

SPREE GETS A LOAD OFF HIS SO-CALLED MIND

After a season of bad play, repeated absences and noncommittal answers, Sprewell finally talked.

Of course, what he said couldn’t have been comforting to the Warriors. His main points were: He doesn’t like Tim Hardaway and can’t play with him; the team has treated him badly, and the whole mess is Don Nelson’s fault.

This latest chapter in the disintegration of the Warriors followed Hardaway’s ESPN interview, in which he noted the few Warriors--not including Sprewell--who had been trying.

Sprewell replied that Hardaway had always been “a Nellie brown-noser” and went on from there.

“We’ve always had a tough time getting along, but after seeing that (interview), it really took it to another level,” Sprewell said. “That’s unfair. That’s just not true. It’s stuff like that that makes me feel uncomfortable around here.”

Sprewell said he “kind of feels (the Warriors) are against me,” and ripped Nelson. Of course, Nelson left months ago and there has been no improvement in Sprewell’s behavior.

“Before things really got bad or too hot, (Nelson) got out,” Sprewell said. “I’m sure if he was here now, he’d be taking a lot of criticism and the criticism would be warranted. You’ve gotta look at where we were last season and where we are right now.”

Hardaway, no one to duck a confrontation, replied, “If the shoe fits, wear it.

“First of all, you gotta talk. I can’t read minds. He knows where to reach me but he never says anything. If he wants to talk, we can talk, any time, any day. Everybody in this organization has tried to reach out to Spree but he doesn’t want to be helped. I don’t have time for that.

“They think I was sucking up to Nellie. The problem is they don’t listen. They don’t comprehend. I had no problems with Nellie. He gave me a chance and helped me with my game. Off the court, we were good friends. But I said I felt it was time for him to go. He had worn out his welcome. . . . But if they want to act like babies, I don’t care.”

FACES AND FIGURES

Party on, Garth: Coleman, still hitting the night clubs with his sprained wrist, angered customers in line at Wilson’s on the Upper East Side of Manhattan by walking right in. Once inside, someone heckled Coleman, who went after the man. The usual minor scuffle ensued. . . . The Nets, whose seven owners can rarely agree to take action on anything, are evaluating Reed. Let’s just say that anyone who brought in Benoit Benjamin has a lot to answer for. . . . Benjamin showed up for 61 games this season, has one year left on the last big contract he’ll ever get--but Reed wants him back. “I guarantee you he’s going to play hard next year,” Reed said. “Why get rid of him when I know he’s going to play hard?” . . . The Nets put Yinka Dare on the injured list. Totals for his rookie season: No points. One shot. One airball.

Kenny Anderson joined the Nets’ rollover, sitting out two games because of a sprained wrist and angering teammates. “We get paid for 82 games,” Jayson Williams said. “It’s embarrassing when people sit out with little nicks and knacks. I’ll tell you one thing--if we got paid by the game, there’d be some players in this dressing room.” . . . The New York Times’ Harvey Araton, meanwhile, recommended trading the one-time local darling. “Apologists for Anderson like to say he’s only 24 and maybe has been led astray by Coleman,” Araton wrote. “The reality is that Anderson has become another over-hyped New York story.”

The rookie race is going down to the wire, with the three candidates doing what they do best. Hill posted his first triple-double. Jason Kidd had three in five games, with 38 points in a double-overtime victory. Robinson kept saying the press had it in for him. . . . Not surprisingly, a Dallas Morning News poll of writers showed Hill with 11 votes, Kidd with 10 and Robinson with four.

After all those games in which Jordan beat the Cleveland Cavaliers on game-ending shots, he finally missed last week. Steve Kerr, now a Bull, once a Cavalier: “It’s not just the Cavs. The Indians have the best team they have in 40 years and the baseball strike happens. The Browns get within one game of the Super Bowl three out of four years and first it’s (John) Elway and the Drive. Then it was the Fumble by Earnest Byner. It actually made me into a real Cleveland sports fan because you have so much sympathy for them. There was always some kind of heartbreak involved.”

Another NCAA tumble: Corliss Williamson. “He’s not Charles Barkley,” said one general manager. “First of all, he doesn’t dribble the ball and he doesn’t shoot as well as Barkley. I guess he’s as strong but he doesn’t have a game. He doesn’t really have a post-up game or an offensive repertoire. To me, he’s Anthony Mason without a jump shot or the ballhandling skills.” . . . Williamson is still expected to go in the lottery. It’s that type of draft, with no superstars except for some like Joe Smith, who are very young. Expect more than the usual trading activity.

The Detroit Free Press reported that Coach Don Chaney will be history, too, when the season ends. “We’ve had a lot of things happen to us,” said a mystified but soon-to-be-dead Duck. “I think everybody knows that had our team been healthy, our record would be much better than it is.” . . . Chaney has already earned $1.2 million in Detroit while going 47-109, has one more season left at $600,000--and is still being paid by the Houston Rockets.

One Piston possibility is the Boston Celtics’ Chris Ford. Celtic boss M.L. Carr would love having someone take his sharp-tongued coach off his hands. Actually, the Celtics’ problem is more Carr than Ford, but M.L. isn’t expected to look in the mirror and resign any time soon. . . . Ford, grinning at questions from Boston reporters about the Pistons: “I already have a job here . . . maybe.”