LAUGH LINES : JOKES

In the news: Comedy writer Alan Ray, on artist Christo’s draping at Berlin’s Reichstag: “Nationality aside, the work evokes the same reaction in everyone: The guy actually gets paid for this? “

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the fate of County-USC Medical Center: “Before voting on closure, they’ll consult with supervisors from another county to get a second opinion.”

Comedy writer Jerry Perisho, on the L.A. City Council overturning the police commission’s reprimand of Police Chief Willie L. Williams without reading the report: “They had, however, read correspondence from Williams’ attorney.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the Southern Baptist Convention: “Delegates voted to repudiate slavery, concluding it leads to drinking and slow dancing.”

Comedy writer Mark Miller, on safety concerns for swimmers in the Santa Monica Bay: “Beach-goers worried when they heard sharks coughing and saw fish camping at the water’s edge in tents.”

Jay Leno, on the new medical report that says rigorous sex causes blindness: “That’s why the Republicans are saying Bill Clinton has no vision.”

* Adds comedy writer Paul Ecker: “After making love in your car’s back seat, check your blind spot.”

Comedy writer Bob Lacey, on Darryl Strawberry joining the New York Yankees: “With Steve Howe already in place with the Yanks, they’ll be the first team in history with two players forbidden by law to associate with one another.”

Hamilton, on the case against Erik and Lyle Menendez: “Prosecutors say they’ve built an air-tight case, but the brothers have just demanded equal time. They want to try on the gloves.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “Prosecutors had O.J. try a new pair of gloves on for sighs.” (Tony Peyser)

* “The first day of summer at the trial brought about changes. O.J. switched from wool suits to lighter fabrications.” (Jenny Church)

* “Under his cross-examination, F. Lee Bailey got shoe salesman Samuel Marc Poser to confess that Bloomingdale’s is overpriced.” (Cutler Rock Comedy)

* “A new survey shows that 29% of Americans polled are following the O.J. trial closely. The bad news is, that’s just a survey of the jury.” (Leno)

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Among surprises comedy writer Kevin S. Healey found in “Pocahontas,” the new Disney film:

* “Bus explosion occurs in the final scene.”

* “The first meal between settlers and Native Americans happens when they decide to boil the happy talking crab from ‘The Little Mermaid.’ ”

* “Politically correct settlers splash Pocahontas with blood for wearing fur.”

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Before visiting Sea World with sister Heather, 9, Lisa Chiu of Newport Beach told her to write a note for their mother so she wouldn’t worry. Mom found this message taped to the fridge:

“Mom: Went to see world.”