Hand-Me-Down Teams a Bad Fit

Replacement baseball wasn’t the answer when the Angels and the Dodgers moved to Maui, Puerto Vallarta, Barbados and wherever else they chose to wile away the lazy, carefree days of the 1994-95 major league strike.

Now that the Rams and the Raiders have struck out for their own concept of Lotusland--St. Louis and Oakland, or as they are more commonly known, Shangri-La I and II--the public has been instructed to froth and shiver over the prospect of another second-rate, hand-me-down substitute.

Replacement football.

Instead of Pedro Borbon and Herm Winningham, the new names for consideration are the Orange County Cardinals, the Southern California Seahawks, the Anaheim Bengals and the South Bay Buccaneers.

NFL excitement at its best.

“We May Not Be Much, But, Hey, We’re Better Than Nothing.”

Ahem.

We’ll be the judge of that.

This is not the way to go, you wind-surfing, mall-hopping, roller-blading, football-hungry masses. If the last 50 years of local sports history have taught us anything (besides never pitching to Jack Clark and Dave Henderson in the ninth inning), it’s that franchise-napping is no way to build an athletic/entertainment empire expected to last the test of time.

Steal from Brooklyn, rob from Cleveland, take from Minneapolis, smuggle across the county line--sooner or later, it’s going to catch up to you.

Of the eight franchises that composed the L.A.-Orange County professional sports market, pre-Easter, only two were not transplants of some sort. The Kings and the Ducks--hockey-come-latelys, expansion start-ups in 1967 and 1993, the two local teams that did it the right way, at least at the outset.

The others began as Someone Else’s Team. Once relocated, they were never the same--most of them cursed by witch doctors and voodoo gurus still wearing Brooklyn Dodger caps.

The Dodgers and the Lakers were swindled west first, and have experienced the most success. But remember, it took the Los Angeles Lakers 25 years to figure out the Celtics in an NBA championship series. And look at where the Dodgers are now--pennant-less since 1988, barely .500, trailing the Rockies in the standings, having to import pitchers from all over the globe because the American product is inferior.

The Angels were born in Los Angeles in 1961 and lured to Anaheim in 1966 and by 1979, the team’s general manager was hiring an exorcist to sprinkle holy water over home plate.

The Clippers bounced from Buffalo to San Diego to L.A. to the NBA lottery, at which point they finally decided to stay put.

The Rams stayed in Cleveland for eight years, L.A. for 34 years, Anaheim for 15 years and will remain in St. Louis until the first newspaper columnist criticizes Georgia Frontiere for not matching her shoes with her handbag.

The Raiders were never “the Los Angeles Raiders.” They were always the Oakland Raiders On Lease. The Oakland Raiders, Yours On A Trial Basis For A Limited Time Only. They just completed a 13-year road trip. Finally, Al Davis decided Friday, it was time to schedule a home stand.

Now that they’re gone, why should we be expected to tolerate reheated leftovers?

Just because our plate is empty doesn’t mean the pangs are so bad we’ll stoop to rummaging through garbage bins for a bite to eat.

Combined, the Seahawks, Bengals, Buccaneers and Cardinals have won zero Super Bowls. Same as the Rams, one fewer than the L.A. Raiders.

The Seahawks, Bengals, Buccaneers and Cardinals are currently coached by Dennis Erickson, David Shula, Sam Wyche and Buddy Ryan. A veritable Knights of the Round Table, that group.

The Seahawks, Bengals, Buccaneers and Cardinals are currently quarterbacked by Rick Mirer (if that week’s injury report permits), Jeff Blake, Trent Dilfer, Dave Krieg and/or Buddy Ryan’s waiver-wire whim du jour. At least we’d finally get to see Dilfer.

The Seahawks, Bengals, Buccaneers and Cardinals draft one through four every April, give or take the Indianapolis Colts.

This is how we’re supposed to replace the Rams and the Raiders? With more 4-12 seasons and every January idle?

It is time to start anew.

Build from scratch, L.A.

The best thing to happen to Orange County professional sports in the history of Orange County professional sports is an expansion hockey team, providing you don’t count the name or the pregame entertainment. The Mighty Ducks still don’t win very often, but they’re young and they sweat and when, by chance, they happen to knock the puck in the net, the community gets a warm feeling all over. There’s a sense of being in this thing together--which Duck fans most certainly are, considering what they contribute to the organizational payroll.

That could happen in football too, especially if Disney’s doing the buying and the building. Wait for expansion in 1996 and by 1998, the Lion Kings of Anaheim will be laying in wait for the return of the St. Louis Rams, set to host them in the gleaming new 65,000-seat Fractured Tibialand.

That’s the kind of football program the people can get behind.

Enough with the football programs long since left behind.