E-Mail Campaign for Boring Play

The e-mails with the obscenities misspelled make it much easier to identify the sender without having to read on. Just another Charger fan.

The obvious anger is another giveaway. It’s hard to imagine getting so mad, almost violent in suggesting things that cannot be anatomically accomplished because someone has made fun of my favorite not-very-exciting football team. Must be a lot of road rage in San Diego--frustration undoubtedly from watching a football team that cannot score.

“I would rather watch a dull Charger game than read your boring column,” messaged one fan, although apparently he did both this last week. “I’m just thankful I live in New York and I don’t have to read your worthless article.”

Most everyone can be thankful for that, of course, but another wrote along the same lines: “So what if they are not playing PRETTY! (The swear words that were deleted from this message were also in capital letters). You sound like the typical Raider fan.”

Listen, if Raider fans knew how to e-mail, they’d be griping too.

“Are you trying to get back at your Mother for naming you after a filthy border town by dissing the team closest to your namesake?”

L.A. Simers would have had a nice ring to it, but thank you for capitalizing “Mother.”

No one escaped the barrage of smash-mouth e-mail this week.

“I realize it’s the fault of the editor who allows this drivel to reach my kitchen table every week,” said another e-mail, and drivel with oatmeal does not sound very appetizing.

Let’s review: With no professional football team residing in Los Angeles, the assignment each week is to go somewhere.

“As far away as possible,” as one editor pointed out.

With no emotional stake in who wins or loses, the task is to bring home to Los Angeles a review-- much like grading a movie--of the day’s top NFL game. As a general rule, this leaves San Diego out. But there are exceptions when the reporter is too tired to board another plane, like last weekend.

The Chargers’ starting quarterback threw four interceptions on four consecutive possessions--wonder what kind of e-mail Erik Kramer gets--and the Chargers won because the other team’s play was even worse than that. It was a lackluster performance, and just like a bad movie with a happy ending, a 13-10 last-second win wasn’t enough to prompt cheerleading.

That’s left to the hometown reporters for the San Diego Union-Tribune anyway, who do such a fine job.

“I understand Houston needs a reporter to cover their new team,” said one e-mail that might very well have been sent by an editor from the Los Angeles Times. “I’ll even throw in a free airline ticket there.”

Some e-mailers offered tips on journalism--just what the world needs, more editors. They should have been spending time drawing up offensive plays and sending them to Coach Mike Riley.

“I’m just so sick of you,” said another e-mail. And my wife of 27 years has asked if she could frame that.

A large number of e-mailers went to the textbooks and pointed out that the object of the game is to win. Those e-mails have been forwarded to Paul Hackett.

A few others got real technical.

“Has anyone ever explained to you that defenses win football games in the NFL?”

At the risk of introducing any facts here, the Chargers contend they have a great defense. They are allowing the opposition to gain only 2.6 yards every time they attempt to run the ball. Now that’s entertainment.

But that’s not a great defense. A great defense doesn’t let Peyton Manning, playing in only his 19th pro game, top Johnny Unitas’ 32-year franchise record with 404 yards passing.

In their four victories, the Chargers have beaten up the likes of Jeff Blake and Akili Smith, Elvis Grbac, Charlie Batch and Jon Kitna. That’s what the schedule has given them, but just wait until they have to play Jay Fiedler in the playoffs.

It’s not the Chargers’ fault they are boring, deadly dull and a genuine waste of time to watch. They have lots of company.

A week from now, we’re looking at the greatest sports day of the millennium: the Yankees against the Braves in the seventh game of the World Series at Turner Field just hours after the biggest NFL game of the year and a preview of Super Bowl XXXIV, the Rams playing the Titans in Nashville.

The Rams versus the Titans to be NFL king of the hill. Say that 10 times out loud without giggling. Kurt Warner going pass for pass with Neil O’Donnell for NFL bragging rights, just as everyone predicted before the season began.

“Feel the Power,” suggests the NFL in advertisements, but where?

After the sixth week of the season last year, St. Louis, Indianapolis, Tennessee, San Diego and Washington were a combined 7-21. They now stand dominant at 20-5. E-mail this, baby: The Chargers do not have a run longer than 18 yards, an offensive play beyond 50 yards, and have scored only one touchdown on offense in three of their five games.

Denver, Minnesota, Atlanta and San Francisco were a combined 19-2; they are now 8-16. Minnesota scored 207 points in its first six games last year; 120 this season.

Brian Griese, Olandis Gary, Ken Oxendine, Ron Rivers, Jeff Garcia, Lawrence Phillips and Rick Mirer have replaced John Elway, Terrell Davis, Jamal Anderson, Barry Sanders, Steve Young, Garrison Hearst and Vinny Testaverde.

Throw in Fiedler, Ray Lucas, Stoney Case, Tony Graziani, Dave Brown, Gus Frerotte, Kent Graham, Billy Joe Hobert, Billy Joe Tolliver, Eric Zeier and Doug Pederson and you have the makings of a pretty good arena league.

This is beyond parity, approaching mediocrity, the first team to score 13 points winning.

And yet the NFL reports attendance is up an average of 2,000 paying customers a game, although the league no longer makes mention of no-shows. And TV ratings are on the rise, 20% at CBS, 8% at Fox, 2% at ABC and 23% at ESPN.

That can’t all be attributed to the rise in popularity of fantasy football. Something doesn’t make sense here. Hasn’t this been just a dreadful year of star-starved football to date? Or, is Cinderella all that appealing dressed in Rams’ or Chargers’ colors?

Isn’t football more fun, anticipating matchups with perennial powers like Denver versus Green Bay, or San Francisco versus Minnesota?

The NFL contends excitement is up this season because 41% of its games have been decided by three points or fewer, as opposed to 15% at this time a year ago.

But there has been a considerable drop in touchdowns with 371 in 86 games, as opposed to 384 a year ago in 81 games at this time of the season. Fewer touchdowns mean fewer thrills. There has also been an increase in field goals--267 to 229 from a year ago--and who wants to watch a soccer game?

Why can’t the Chargers be more like the Redskins? Both are 4-1, and Washington has no defense, but has an offense that sure puts on a good show. We’re all about show-biz here.

On TV the other night, Unitas said quarterback has become the weakest position in football, and now Bill Walsh and his West Coast offense can be blamed for taking all the big plays out of the game.

His short passing attack, copied throughout the league, is used by coaches to keep poor quarterbacks from getting sacked and throwing interceptions down the field, contributing to the conservative play calling that seems to prevail. Even the Raiders have packed it in.

So to be completely objective, it’s not just the Chargers who are dull.