This Cat Managed to Land on His Feet

The Hamilton Tiger-Cats decided to let Canadian talk show host Mike Bullard live out his secret fantasy and, well, when you have a 0-10 record, what do you really have to lose?

Bullard practiced with the team last week, predicting beforehand that he would make it through the workout “provided there is no drug-testing.”

The Canadian Football League’s lone winless team meets the Toronto Argonauts (4-6) today in their annual Labor -- actually, it’s Labour up there -- Day showdown, and Bullard has a surprise for the Hamilton players if they pull out a victory.

“If we win,” he said, “I am taking the entire Tiger-Cat team to Dairy Queen, which is the Canadian Football League equivalent of Disneyland.”

Not exactly training-table stuff, but they’ve been playing more like Fat-Cats than Tiger-Cats, anyway.

Trivia time: Who was the youngest tennis player, male or female, to win a U.S. Open singles match?

Pitch invasion: A Manchester United fan who posed as a television reporter to talk to his heroes has been banned from soccer matches until he is sentenced later this month.

Jamie Mardon, a 44-year-old father of three, was watching a United game against Arsenal when he spotted a spare microphone in the nearby press area. He grabbed it, made his way to the field and began interviewing Rio Ferdinand and Ryan Giggs.

His ruse was exposed when the players noticed the microphone wasn’t switched on.

No sizzle: Filip Bondy of the New York Daily News has been trying unsuccessfully to find some excitement at the U.S. Open.

“There are only about eight women who can play tennis that’s worth watching,” Bondy wrote. “The men’s field is deeper, but nobody cares about these guys ... “

Bondy said he’s longing for the next Jeff Tarango, “a man passionate enough to pull down his shorts during a match,” but all he found was Anna Kournikova, who was “working” as a roving reporter for USA network.

“Kournikova is what passes for a crack news reporter these days, which means that it’s now official: The world is insane and commentators are more fascinating sideshows than the players who can’t hold our attention.”

Silent treatment: The sports sections in Montreal’s newspapers featured the usual fare Thursday ... with the noted absence of a word on the Alouettes. Reporters from the four media outlets covering the CFL team on a daily basis boycotted for a day in protest of Coach Don Matthews’ refusal to speak to reporters a day earlier.

“This could be the start of something ugly, like a form of disinterestedness,” Le Journal de Montreal columnist Bertrand Raymond warned. “The Expos have behaved in this way in the past. Go ask them if that’s a good thing to do.”

Trivia answer: Mary Joe Fernandez was 14 years 8 days when she beat Sara Gomer on Aug. 27, 1985.

And finally: Pub-frequenting Northern Irishman Darren Clarke, when told the top prize was $1.05 million after he won the NEC Invitational: “That won’t last very long. I think I’ll be running through most of that tonight.”

-- John Weyler