If It Has Cream in It, It’s Usually Fattening

San Francisco Giant slugger Barry Bonds reportedly told a grand jury investigating the Bay Area Laboratory Co-Operative he thought it was flaxseed oil and arthritis cream he was using.

“Hmmm,” says Jim Armstrong of AOL Sports, “are you thinking what I’m thinking? If they can make an arthritis cream that helps you gain 40 pounds, why can’t they make a cream that helps you lose 40?”

Trivia time: Who was the last defensive player to win the Heisman Trophy?

Decline foreseen: Mike Downey of the Chicago Tribune, on the steroid scandal: “I expect the 2005 MVP’s home run total to be around, oh, 19.”

Envied: Peter Vecsey of the New York Post, on Karl Malone’s feud with Kobe Bryant: “I’m insanely jealous and in awe; Kobe has alienated more people than any of us, all without the benefit of a byline.”

Wife’s revenge: Anna Benson, a former stripper who is married to New York Met pitcher Kris Benson, recently talked about infidelity in sports on Howard Stern’s radio show. She said she keeps her husband in tow by threatening that if he ever cheated on her, she would do the same with everyone in the Met organization.

Popular opinion: The revamped Lakers, minus Phil Jackson and Shaquille O’Neal, were the topic of a recent feature on ESPN’s “SportsCenter.”

O’Neal, asked by Stephen A. Smith when the conflict with Bryant began, said, “I don’t know, I don’t care. You don’t have to like me. But most people, if you ask about me ... they really like me. So if you don’t like me, there must be something wrong with you.”

A time to sell: Laker owner Jerry Buss, asked by Jim Gray what he would have done had Bryant left along with Jackson and O’Neal, said, “I would have sold the franchise.”

Promo spree for “3”: One sign that ESPN went overboard in promoting the Dale Earnhardt movie, “3,” was this trivia question: “Who is the only Heisman winner to wear No. 3?”

(The answer is 2002 winner Carson Palmer.)

Write what you know: Pro bowler Walter Ray Williams Jr. has a degree in physics from Cal Poly Pomona. The title of his senior thesis: “The Physics of a Bowling Ball.”

Trivia answer: Michigan cornerback Charles Woodson, whose prowess as a kick returner and receiver also helped earn him the award in 1997.

The previous defensive player to win the Heisman was Notre Dame’s Leon Hart in 1949. Hart, a member of three national championship teams, was a two-way lineman. He died at 73 in 2002.

And finally: Laker Coach Rudy Tomjanovich recently talked with TNT’s Jim Huber about his bladder cancer. He said that he remains fiery and emotional but that his ups and downs aren’t as severe as they used to be.

“I’ll go into a valley, but not pitch a tent down there,” he said.

Larry Stewart can be reached at larry.stewart@latimes.com.