Sideline Chatter: Figures to be a house of pain in Rousey’s ‘Road House’ reboot

Help me, Ronda? No kidding.

UFC star Ronda Rousey will have bar brawlers begging for mercy when she plays the Patrick Swayze bouncer role in an upcoming remake of the campy cult-film classic “Road House.”

Headlines

At SportsPickle.com: “Canada to build wall at U.S. border to keep undesirable players out of CFL.”

At TheOnion.com: “NASCAR driver always forgets which side of car gas tank on.”

Make it a smoking room

Some 3,000 Carnival cruise passengers found themselves stuck in port at St. Thomas, U.S. Virgin Islands, after a fire broke out in the ship’s engine room.

On the bright side, though, they just re-christened the vessel the DV Philadelphia Phillies.

Sports quiz

NFL commish Roger Goodell wasn’t at Thursday’s Patriots-Steelers season opener because:

a) Of the DeflateGate hoo-hah.

b) He tried driving there and, simply out of habit, took a wrong turn.

Hill on the Hill?

Ex-Dolphins receiver Randal “Thrill” Hill, 45, is running for Congress in Miami.

But he might want to bring Dan Marino along if he plans to get any passing done.

Stick to fast brakes

NASCAR driver Denny Hamlin tore an anterior cruciate ligament while playing basketball.

Doctors advised him to stick to safer pursuits such as driving a stock car 220 miles an hour.

Quote marks

NBC’s Seth Meyers, after President Obama announced plans to revert Mount McKinley’s name to “Denali,” its original Native American moniker: “Because it turns out it’s easier to rename a mountain than a football team.”

Times reader Bill Littlejohn, after Bryce Harper ripped Nationals fans for leaving games early: “He better hope he never gets traded to the Dodgers.”

Greg Cote of The Miami Herald, on the six no-hitters in MLB this season: “One was by Mike Fiers, the pitcher who hit Giancarlo Stanton in the face last year. Which completely ruined my faith in karma, by the way.”

Bring your helmet

Two Olympic shot-put medalists Canada’s Dylan Armstrong and Russia’s Yevgeniya Kolodko have announced their engagement.

If wedding planners get their way, well-wishers will be throwing 16-pound balls instead of rice.

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