The Simon Cowell baby drama is in full swing, and we haven't had this much fun with rampant rumors since Tiger Woods was grabbing the headlines — and not for golf.
Cowell, of course, has allegedly impregnated New York socialite Lauren Silverman, estranged wife of New York real estate guy Andrew Silverman. Although whether they were estranged at the point of conception is a matter of some debate, along with who knew what when.
Andrew was originally being identified as a "close friend" of "The X Factor" judge, which made the betrayal sting that much more, but this week we learned from the New York Daily News that he was friends with Simon only because of Lauren, which is a whole 'nother scenario. Friends close, enemies closer, whether you know it or not, it would seem?
So Andrew, understandably miffed, named Simon as a co-respondent in his divorce papers, which were filed a couple of weeks back and allege adultery, thus setting the stage for an embarrassing court appearance where the "American Idol" alum would have to go into some potentially unsavory detail about his affair with Lauren.
Cue the lawyers!
"The lawyers are working out an agreement to drop the adultery claims," a source close to Cowell's baby mama told the Daily News, which fabulously uses the word "cuckolded" in its report.
One thing we might learn in such an appearance is that the Simon and Lauren — reportedly friends since 2004 — might have been knocking boots since as long ago as late 2011 or early 2012, which is what a New York Post source claimed she has been telling friends. In that same report, the Post has one source that alleges and another that denies overlap between Silverman and Cowell's former fiancee, Mezhgan Hussainy, so there's that in the "Who knows?" department.
Then there are the nasty reports that aren't painting a pretty picture of the mother-to-be — like the one that recounts her adventures with a high school boyfriend at age 17 and had her squeezing naked through a bathroom window and out into the world to avoid being caught having sex with him. "It was all pretty embarrassing," the high school boyfriend told the Mail Online, which insanely managed to track the guy down about two decades after the fact.
And the one that came out Saturday from former classmates who alleged that a 16-year-old Lauren had a two-month sexual affair with a well-liked English teacher, costing him his job. But get this: Before she left the small private school a short time later, her pals reportedly included one Brooke Mueller of Charlie Sheen fame. Totally small world.
Lauren's not the only target for sleaze: The Post on Monday reported that since 2007, Andrew's family has owned a hotel in Panama that's known for its alleged abundance of hookers. Yay!
Fortunately, Lauren's mama has her back.
Carole Saland hauled out her first-string defense with Us Weekly, saying, "I'm here with her and she does nothing but take care of her child and she doesn't deserve all of this bad publicity.
"She's a nice girl from Miami Beach."
(A nice girl who doesn't use birth control, because she thought she couldn't get pregnant again, a New York Post source said Sunday.)
In addition to being a nice girl, she's also "not a gold digger," Mom says.
"She came from a very comfortable family and never lacked anything," Saland told the Sun (via the Mirror). "Her and Simon are very fond of each other. ... I trust Simon to do the right thing by my daughter."
Alas, the expectant couple might not even be a couple anymore. A source claiming to be a close pal of Cowell's says they broke up weeks before he found out about the baby (which reportedly happened July 10).
"He and Lauren split up six weeks ago but the next thing we know he gets a phone call from her saying, 'Guess what?' Since then he has been feeling very confused about everything," said pal told the Sunday Mirror, adding, "Simon feels like he's been done up like a kipper in all of this," which has us laughing even though we have no clue what it means.
(OK, Urban Dictionary tells us the phrase means someone who's been "totally bamboozled or taken advantage of by another," a definition that thank heavens contains the silly word "bamboozled," which comes in third behind "kipper" and "cuckolded.")
The furious version is juicier, of course, and makes poor Mezhgan look like a psycho ex: "Mezhgan stormed round to the X Factor chief's £15million Beverly Hills mansion at 3pm on Thursday," the paper wrote, "to confront him after he ignored her desperate calls for nearly two days. She demanded to know if he had been seeing married Lauren Silverman during their time together after hearing the 36-year-old was carrying his first child."
Hey, at least it wasn't 3 a.m. Because that's way more psycho.
On the "thrilled" side of the coin, in a report debunking the one just cited, TMZ said, "Simon told Mezhgan about the baby weeks ago — and she immediately called Lauren, who she's also friends with, to offer her congrats and support ... knowing how stressful the media attention can be." The site even dubbed the situation "refreshing." Ahhh.
And to wrap things up, we simply can't ignore what Cowell himself said about the whole situation during an "X Factor" panel at a TV-industry event in L.A. last week:
"I haven't read the newspapers," he quipped. "Am I missing anything?"
He later added, "Unfortunately, I have to keep this private."
Good luck with that, Simon.