Football player’s fine is off the wall

Staking his claim to most excessive/tasteless celebration after a touchdown, Toronto Argonaut Arland Bruce was fined an undisclosed amount for his “tribute” to Michael Jackson.

After scoring against the Hamilton Tiger-Cats on Wednesday, Bruce took off his helmet, jersey and shoulder pads before lying down in the end zone, pretending to be buried.

Referees hit Bruce with two objectionable conduct penalties and the Argonauts hit him in the wallet.

“I made the mistake of telling him in camp that once he got to the end zone I didn’t care what he did,” said Toronto Coach Bart Andrus. “But he’s straight with it now, and I think next time around he will celebrate in an appropriate manner.”

In related news, Chad Ochocinco and Terrell Owens are sorry the NFL season doesn’t start for two more months.

Trivia time

Who is the only overall No. 1 NBA pick to have been a collegiate All-American in tennis?

Hold the beer and hot dogs

A Chicago Cubs fan has vowed to go on a semi-hunger strike, promising to eat only 500 calories a day until the team wins five games in a row.

Daniel Kamen, 53, of Buffalo Grove, Ill., said he plans to begin his diet after the All-Star break in mid-July and continue until the Cubs either win five consecutive games or end their season, the Chicago Sun-Times reported.

“I’m going to motivate them,” he said. “I’m going to embarrass them into winning more games. They will see me get skinnier and skinnier, until maybe there’s nothing left of me.”

Kamen’s diet will consist of a cup of fat-free yogurt, one egg and some popcorn with a light sprinkling of brewer’s yeast.

Kamen invited Cubs Manager Lou Piniella to join him.

“It’s an official invitation,” Kamen said. “I’ll show him how to do it.”

From Russia with love

Surveying the current state of women’s professional tennis, Serena Williams mused, “Everyone is from Russia. Sometimes I think I’m from Russia too. I feel like, you know, all these new ‘ovas.’ I think my name must be Williamsova.”

From Russia without love

Air Force football Coach Troy Calhoun criticized the Bowl Championship Series presidential oversight committee for rejecting the latest playoff plan.

“We basically have a system for college football that too closely resembles the old Soviet Presidium,” Calhoun said. “You have a seven-member politburo that’s decided if you aren’t one of those party members, then you’re unable to participate.”

Trivia answer

John Lucas of Maryland, drafted No. 1 by the Houston Rockets in 1976.

(Question and answer provided by C.B. Reed of Rancho Penasquitos.)

And finally

Chicago White Sox broadcaster Steve Stone, after Cubs catcher Geovany Soto hit a three-run homer following news that Soto had tested positive for marijuana during the World Baseball Classic: “He smoked it.”

--

mike.penner@latimes.com