It’s Not the Way to Put France in Driver’s Seat

Trying to figure out the French is like trying to eat their onion soup with a fork.

They excel at pastries, quiches and have fine wines named after some of their regions, yet continue to think Jerry Lewis is funny and that, in golf, a driver off the tee is a better play than a two-iron at defining moments of major championships.

News item: Ernie Els defeats Thomas Levet in playoff to win 131st British Open.

Second thought: As the French valley girls say, ohmondieu! (Ohmygod!)

You’d think Jean Van de Velde’s final-hole meltdown at the 1999 British Open would have been a cautionary tale told in golf schools from Nice to Normandy.

Van de Velde, needing double bogey to win on the final hole at Carnoustie, teed off with a driver instead of iron and ended up navigating more brush and standing water than Steve Irwin in the Australian outback.

Van de Velde salvaged a triple-bogey save to force a playoff, then lost.

So there was Levet on Sunday, with all this history to cull, hitting a driver on No. 18, on the fourth hole of the four-hole playoff, when par would have secured the championship. He made bogey to move on to a sudden-death shootout with Els, then used driver again when they returned to No. 18. Levet whacked it left into a bunker, made another bogey, and Els won with a par.

Maybe they don’t need a Q-school in France.

Maybe they need an IQ school.

News item: Colin Montgomerie follows second-round 64 at British Open with third-round 84.

Second thought: Sorry, nothing nasty to add here, as I’m still wearing the “Be Nice to Monty” button Golf Digest handed out at last month’s U.S. Open.

News item: Tiger Woods has third-round 81.

Second thought: Looking very much forward to Golf Digest’s “Be Nice To Tiger” campaign.

News item: Muirfield Golf Links does not allow female members.

Second thought: Defenders of the Honourable Company of Edinburgh Golfers note many of their men wear skirts (kilts).

News item: Head of National Council of Women’s Organizations criticizes Tiger Woods for not speaking out against clubs that don’t have female members.

Second thought: In case you missed the memo, Woods’ career role model is Michael Jordan, not Arthur Ashe. Woods was schooled at Nike headquarters, not a bus stop in Selma, Ala. He has too much to risk in endorsements--Is there anything more Middle America than Buick?--to jeopardize his financial empire.

Like Jordan, Woods nary utters an interesting public word unless it’s rehearsed and practiced or handed to him by a Nike script doctor. He is the prototype of today’s superstar athlete: riveting and robotic.

If you don’t think bad image hits you in the wallet, ask Barry Bonds why it took so long to get a fried chicken commercial.

Woods could take political stands and probably change golf’s discriminatory practices with a wave of his eight-iron. What if he refused to play Augusta National unless it admitted women as members?

Maybe someday Woods will take a firmer grip on social issues, but right now we just don’t see how it benefits his portfolio.

News item: Vernon Forrest wins boxing rematch with Shane Mosley.

Second thought: After Forrest defeated Mosley in January, it was written in this space: “I’m not sure Mosley would win twice if he fought Forrest 10 times.”

Maybe now Mosley will get the message and move on to bigger and better weight classes.

News item: Allen Iverson’s No. 3 Philadelphia 76er jersey is the NBA’s top seller.

Second thought: The pending criminal case against Iverson has about as much chance of sticking as Derek Fisher did to Mike Bibby in the playoffs, but the NBA is taking no chances in having Iverson jerseys made sporting his most recent uniform number: 948473.

News item: Two 76er fans cancel their season tickets in the wake of Iverson’s arrest.

Second thought: Wow, what outrage. Which guy gets to hold the picket sign?

News item: The new college football preview magazines are out!

Second thought: Good thing USC has history to fall back on and UCLA those gorgeous powder-blue uniforms. Sporting News projects USC to finish third in the Pacific 10 Conference this year and UCLA sixth. Street & Smith has USC at No .5 and UCLA at No. 6.

USC checks in No. 2 in Athlon, which apparently thinks USC will be in fine Pac-10 shape despite a nonconference schedule that includes Auburn, Colorado, Kansas State and Notre Dame. Athlon has UCLA at No. 5.

The magazine “Football Action” has USC and UCLA finishing third and fourth.

As they can tell you up north, UCLA hasn’t won the Pac-10 title since 1998 and USC hasn’t won since 1995.

New item: Colorado football program faces violations dating to the Rick Neuheisel era.

Second thought: Neuheisel, now coaching at Washington, plans to sing his rebuttal to the NCAA on Aug. 9 while playing guitar. Sources say he has titled his response, “Minor Violations in the Minor Key.”

News item: Former New York Yankee pitcher Don Larsen auctioning baseball used to pitch World Series perfect game to pay for grandchildren’s college education.

Second thought: The educational news is rosier for Devean George’s future grandkids. The Laker reserve forward, who has yet to pitch a perfect game, signed for $18.45 million over four years.

News item: Bureau of Labor Statistics reports the three most dangerous occupations are fishing, logging and airline pilot.

Second thought: Topping next year’s list will be anyone working at ESPN Radio, assuming anyone’s still working at ESPN Radio.

News item: Former President Jimmy Carter offers to mediate baseball dispute.

Second thought: Probably Carter’s last best shot at winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Frankly, if he thought getting Begin and Sadat together was tough, wait until he gets a load of Selig and Fehr.

News item: The XFL ranks No. 3 on TV Guide’s list of 50 worst shows of all-time.

Second thought: An outraged Jesse Ventura released a statement to media “jackals” saying the XFL easily could have been No. 1 had NBC only granted it a second season.