College football top 25: Rivalries are a laughing matter

Rankman extends deepest Thanksgiving apologies to Florida, Michigan, Arizona, California, Oregon State, Arkansas and North Carolina, who did not make the top 25 and therefore could not defend themselves against this onslaught of rivalry jokes. The advice is simple: Get better and don’t lose to Georgia Southern or Eastern Washington. We’re also sorry that rapacious expansion has deprived us a Missouri jab at Kansas and a Texas A&M; comment about Texas.

1; Alabama 11-0; What do you get when you drive quickly through the Auburn campus? … An undergraduate degree. (1)

2; Florida State 11-0; You might be a Florida Gator if …your house doesn’t have curtains but your truck does. (2)

3; Ohio State 11-0; Why did the Michigan Wolverines student sell his water skis? … He couldn’t find a lake with a hill in it. (4)

4; Missouri 10-1; It’s not every day that Columbia, S.C., is rooting for Columbia, Mo., to defeat Texas A&M.; (7)

5; South Carolina 9-2; How do you keep Clemson out of the end zone? … Put it in a library. (6)

6; Oklahoma State 10-1; Why can’t Oklahoma fans dial 911 in an emergency? ... They can’t find “11” on their phones. (10)

7; Auburn 10-1; One of the most common phrases used by Alabama alums: “You want French fries with that?” (12)

8; Michigan State 10-1; Spartans ready to step in for Michigan if the Ohio State rivalry doesn’t work out. (14)

9; Stanford 9-2; What does a Notre Dame graduate usually call a Stanford graduate? … Boss. (8)

10; Clemson 10-1; What does the average South Carolina student get on his SAT? … Drool. (9)

11; Baylor 9-1; Amazing stat: Bears continue to average more than 60 points a game against teams that aren’t good. (3)

12; Oregon 9-2; You hear about the Oregon State fan who broke his legs raking leaves? ... He fell out of the tree. (5)

13; Wisconsin 9-2; Badgers agree to play in any major bowl game that doesn’t include Pac-12 officials. (16)

14; Arizona State 9-2; How do you keep an Arizona player out of the yard? Put up a sign that says “Rose Bowl.” (20)

15; Fresno State 10-0; Tuesday night win by Northern Illinois puts Bulldogs two back in the win column. (13)

16; LSU 8-3; What is “Hee Haw” called in Arkansas? A documentary. Best thing to come out of the state? I-40. (17)

17; UCLA 8-3; Why is USC a private school? Because no one wants it publicly known that they went there. (11)

18; Northern Illinois 12-0; Barbed wire capital DeKalb unveils Heisman ad: “Get off the fence and vote for Lynch.” (18)

19; Central Florida 9-1; Blake Bortles is the best alliterative name for a quarterback since Buck Belue. (19)

20; USC 9-3; Hey, what do you call 30 UCLA students in a basement? … The whine cellar. (21)

21; Oklahoma 9-2; How did the Oklahoma State student die from drinking milk? … The cow fell on him. (23)

22; Texas A&M; 8-3; Five picks in two years vs. LSU leads to Baton Rouge nickname “Johnny Ourball.” (15)

23; Louisville 10-1; We don’t play Kentucky this week but why do they put TGIF on their shoes? “Toes go in first.” (22)

24; Duke 9-2; North Carolina recently adopted a new honor system: Yes, your honor. No, your honor. (24)

25; Notre Dame 8-3; Cal passes along: “Why can’t Stanford farmers raise chickens? They plant the eggs too deep.” (25)