Question Beckham deal and Empire strikes back

THE BLOKE is already a joke, and a case could be made, if anyone really cared, that Beckham’s a thief -- stealing millions from the Anschutz Empire.

He came here with the reputation of being an airhead -- misspelling his wife’s name on a tattoo on his forearm, which explains why his handlers have gone out of their way to keep him from the media.

Hard to understand why the Anschutz Empire would spend millions on a soccer spokesman who can’t talk for himself, until reminded it’s the Anschutz Empire, which also owns the Kings, and the Empire never really does get it right.

NOW ON this point, and every other, Tim Leiweke and Page 2 disagree, but I do have great admiration for someone so passionate and so willing to be wrong all the time.

Leiweke, the chief sports strategist for the Empire, still speaks of Beckham like a godsend, saying such things as “David has done everything we’ve asked,” and “David always rewrites history and proves the naysayers wrong,” and “he will play again for the Galaxy this season” even though most reports have Beckham’s knee injury sidelining him for the rest of the year.

If Beckham returns this season, consider the excitement as the Galaxy makes one last push to climb out of last place. Too bad he also can’t suit up for the Kings.

“We’ve got a long way to go before rendering an opinion on the Beckham experiment,” Leiweke said. “This is a five-year deal for us. This can’t be judged by a matter of months or games.”

First impressions linger, and Beckham has hardly made one. He has done nothing locally to sell the sport, although Leiweke disagreed, citing the five hours Beckham met with the media his first day here, including an interview with “Al Jazeera English.”

The Kobester would find all this very funny -- making himself available for interviews one day, and then disappearing the rest of the year. Yeah, right.

Call the Galaxy now to talk with Beckham, and instead of putting him in a limo and sending him right over to keep the losers in the spotlight, the answer is always the same: “Unfortunately, he’s not speaking today.”

How about Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday or Tuesday? “Unfortunately he’s not speaking on those days.”

How about just putting him on the telephone for a moment? “Unfortunately, he’s not speaking.”

When he did speak recently for the first time, he chose Ryan Seacrest, and did I mention that Simon Fuller, the creator of “American Idol,” is Beckham’s primary handler?

I would’ve loved to have had Simon Cowell critique that performance between those two.

NOW WHAT would I say if given the chance?

“Becks, do you have any idea of the mistake you’re making when it comes to wearing tight underpants?”

There have been published reports that Beckham wants to make another baby, specifically a girl, and I have two of those, highly recommend them and would hate to see him strike out.

Beckham told one overseas publication, “I’ll be changing my diet and wearing tight [underwear]” to make it happen.

Well, according to Dr. Landrum Shettles, an expert on this kind of stuff on the Internet, “tight-fitting underwear are not recommended for men trying to father a child because it may raise testes temperature to a point where it interferes with sperm production.”

On top of everything else that has gone wrong for Beckham, he doesn’t need to leave Posh frustrated, as well, especially after published reports that she has looked into having a fertility symbol tattooed on her inner thigh.

Now I know what you’re thinking, what’s he going to write next, but never in a million years am I going there.

I’ll just say this for Beckham’s benefit, as he contemplates tightening things up, according to the editors from teenwire.com, “some guys who wear tight underwear may develop jock itch, which is an itchy fungus condition.”

Let me tell you, Coach Frank Yallop has enough problems without having to explain why Beckham’s ankle and knee appear to be just fine -- only to keep Beckham on the bench for other reasons.

I started to mention this to Leiweke so that he might get a message to Beckham, but Leiweke continues to look upon Beckham as some kind of warrior.

“What other athlete would do what he did?” Leiweke said. “It’s our fault; we should have never played him when he played in those back-to-back games” jumping from continent to continent.

“I will defend David until the sun goes down; he wasn’t going to get more money, or more fame. He was just making a commitment to his team.”

And he got hurt. Paint the picture any way you like, but the Beckham experiment, as Leiweke calls it, has been a disaster. The Anschutz Empire has spent roughly $1 million for every hour Beckham has remained on the pitch, and no telling the number of fans left disappointed or feeling ripped off after getting nothing in return but an MLS game.

“I completely disagree,” Leiweke said. “If David came to me right now, I’d do the same exact deal, the exact same way. Those who judge him today on a five-year deal are very short and unfair to him. I have no problems with David Beckham.

“Look at the press in England and Spain when he was going through those situations, and his remarkable ability to prove people wrong in the end. Go ahead and question him if you like. All you do is motivate him. You’ll see. . .

“Call me back in four years and then ask me how I feel about this.”

I’ve got to admit, I was surprised Leiweke wanted me to wait four years before calling him again. I’d expect that from Beckham.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns, go to latimes.com/simers.