Punch Lines

Thought for the Day: The Supreme Court ruled that states can't require political candidates to take drug tests. "Most politicians don't need the stuff anyway," says Alan Ray. "When they make promises, they tend to hallucinate."


Thanks, Bob: Regarding Bob Dole lending Newt Gingrich $300,000 to pay his ethics fine, Jay Leno says, "How'd you like to have Bob Dole as your banker? 'Bob Dole wants his money back. . . .' 'Bob Dole is foreclosing. . . .' "

* The deal calls for Newt to repay the loan over eight years at 10% interest and write, "Bob Dole is not the tax collector for the welfare state' 100 times." (Alex Kaseberg)

* "When asked the terms of the loan, Gingrich said, 'I don't have time to explain. I have to pick up Bob's laundry.' " (Premiere Morning Sickness)

* "Newt had to get a personal loan," Argus Hamilton explains. "The banks refused to accept the voices inside his head as references."

* "Lending money to a man who admits he lied about his financial dealings? Gee, now we're kinda glad Dole didn't get put in charge of the economy." (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* "From GOP to IOU." (Jenny Church)


America's Pastime: "Baseball continues," says Ray. "Roberto Alomar suffered a career-threatening injury the other day. Cotton mouth."

"Anybody see Sammy 'the Bull' Gravano on 'PrimeTime Live?' " asks Leno. "He's left the witness protection program. He's in hiding. Even Diane Sawyer doesn't know where. Actually, we found out where he is--Wrigley Field, box seats behind first base."


The Fight Against Fat: "Those new fat-burning pills will be easier to use than exercise equipment," says Kaseberg. "The only drawback of pills versus home gyms is that you can't hang your clothes on the pills."

"Have you seen these ads for new do-it-yourself cholesterol tests? They're pretty easy. You count the number of Big Mac wrappers you have on the floor of your car, then multiply by the number of empty Chee-tos bags in your desk." (Leno)


In Washington: The Clintons hosted a symposium on children and baby talk. "Just don't use the word 'coo' around heads of state," warns the Scoop.

"Ukrainian Olessie Yuratsky became the third diplomat from the former USSR to be arrested for drunk driving in Washington, D.C.," says Hamilton. "Good thing the Cold War is over. Otherwise, these people could be driving tanks."


Reader Freeman Gosden Jr. says his daughter, Jill Pollock, was buying swimsuits for her 3-year-old daughter, Katherine. She bought her a new one-piece suit and her first two-piece suit. Katherine handed the two-piece suit back to her mom.

"I can't wear this one. It's broken."

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