Determined to Make Union Succeed : More Couples Seek Premarital Advice

More engaged couples are seeking premarital counseling--not for problems, but to make sure they have covered all the bases in their desire to succeed at marriage, says Dr. Joyce Brothers.

Her travels around the country have convinced her that many people are determined to succeed at marriage, despite the fact that their parents’ marriages may have ended in divorce.

They also seek advice from a counselor because parents and family may be far away. For these engaged couples, a counselor serves as a kind of “rent-a-friend,” she added.

The author of “What Every Woman Should Know About Love and Marriage,” she advises couples to discuss important issues before they marry, either together with a counselor or by themselves. Subjects she thinks are important to air include attitudes toward having and caring for children, financial goals and aspirations, relations with in-laws and, if appropriate, with former spouses and children.

‘Tremendous Good Will’

The psychologist finds the current seriousness about marriage a good thing and advises couples to use their engagement as a time to discuss the future and come to agreement.

“There is a tremendous amount of good will at this time, which helps to resolve problems,” she said. “If a problem is not solvable at this time, then it will never be resolved. Couples should realize that you’re not going to redecorate your spouse, so it’s better not to try.”

One bar to open communication is fear of saying something your future spouse will regard as unforgivable, counselors agree. However, learning to communicate in a non-threatening way can minimize that fear.

Non-threatening communication techniques can be learned, according to Sherod Miller, a Minneapolis psychologist. Miller has developed a book, “Talking Together,” and a series of cassette tapes and other materials that are being used by counselors and couples all over the country to help build communications skills.

The book and the four-class group sessions are meant to accomplish several goals.

“They introduce ideas about communications in general; they teach practical principles of listening and speaking to others; and they provide an opportunity for couples to pick an issue and discuss it in the group setting, getting group feedback on their use of communications skills,” said Miller.

Another program, known as “Prepare,” is also available for couples. “The program is designed to get couples to look in a systematic way at important issues in a marriage,” said Dr. David Olson, a clinical psychologist who developed the program at the University of Minnesota, where he is a professor in the Family and Social Science Department.

The 125-item questionnaire identifies strengths and problem areas for couples who fill it out and return it to a counselor (often a clergyman) who has been trained by Olson and his colleagues in administering the test. The counselor returns the questionnaire to Minneapolis for scoring and receives the results. (There is a $15 fee for the test.) The counselor then reviews the results with the couple.

According to Olson, the questionnaire was developed over 10 years as a research tool. He said that although taking the test alone does not improve a couple’s chances for a happy marriage, it can identify those who are at risk. If the couple were to work on the issues that divide them, presumably they would have a better chance for a satisfying marriage.

Using the questionnaire, Olson said, researchers have been able to predict with 80% accuracy which couples would be happy and which would be either troubled or divorced after several years.

Those who proved to be happy in their marriages shared a number of characteristics, Olson notes. Their level of realism about what to expect from marriage was good. They were happy about the ways in which they resolved conflict and about how they communicated generally. They liked their partner’s personality and they agreed on religious orientation and values.

“They didn’t have to be religious, they just had to agree,” explained Olson.