OCEANCOM: SOMETHING’S FISHY IN TV

Sitcoms are almost as old as the airwaves. And now comes TV’s first oceancom.

Picture it. Former Miss Universe Shawn Weatherly jumps into a steel cage that is lowered into the sea where she will “come face to face with white death” in the cause of science.

The suspense thickens as the cage slowly descends with Weatherly in it, awed by all the pretty bubbles and little fishies. Finally, the great whites arrive, repeatedly circling and crashing into Weatherly’s cage. Will they get her?

This may be the first oceanography show where you find yourself pulling for the sharks.

The sequence was from Sunday’s premiere of NBC’s five-part “oceanQuest” series, an alleged documentary based on a 300,000-mile sea expedition. It’s a Jacques Cousteau rip-off and is appalling sludge. Cousteau searches for the beauty of the underseas; to date, “oceanQuest” has sought only the terror.

“oceanQuest” immediately unleashed a typhoon of melodrama backed by action music a la “Miami Vice.”

The narrator:

“In 1984, an extraordinary quest began by legendary explorer and film-maker Al Giddings . . . his new commission to document the myths, marvels and monsters of the deep . . . not with his eyes, but yours. Thus began a search for a special person to join him . . . a woman without any previous diving experience. Her quest: the ultimate human adventure. His quest: a new vision of Earth’s forbidden frontier.”

Your quest: to keep from laughing.

The first part of the premiere was devoted to the scientific search for the “special person” to accompany Giddings. She had to be under 25 and in “peak condition.” And in case you had doubts about Weatherly’s “peak condition,” there she was jogging and jiggling in a jersey . . . bra-less . . . for science.

The 1980 Miss Universe was ideally qualified, viewers discovered Sunday. “Ocean knowledge: None. Snorkel experience: None. Diving experience: None.”

Bosoms: Big.

Welcome to Cheesequest.

“I wanted to prove to myself that I was more than just a pretty face,” Weatherly said on the program. “I wanted the chance to test myself, to find out who the hell I was.”

Yet Shawn “must never forget,” warned the narrator, “that the sea is a beguiling creature--alive, wondrous, deadly.” Oh, give us a break.

The starring role in this scientific exploration naturally went to Weatherly, who is highly promotable. There she was Friday on NBC’s “Today” show, being interviewed by newsman John Palmer--this is news?--about NBC’s “oceanQuest.” And there she will be in the fall on NBC, introducing the network’s shows in prime time. So the exposure Weatherly gets now may pay off for NBC in the future.

But back to sea.

Weatherly was everywhere Sunday, trailed by a hand-held camera to record her carefully orchestrated spontaneity. When Giddings was ill from diving, she sobbed and placed her head on his stomach, proving that she is an even worse actress than oceanographer. In fact, this program pours on the phony intimacy, as Giddings and Weatherly discuss her fears, oblivious to the camera under their noses.

To show you just how honest this scientific exploration is, there is more emphasis on human reaction to creatures of the deep than on the creatures themselves. And starting the series with sharks certainly didn’t hurt the box ofice.

Giddings and company were determined “to learn why sharks attack man.” A wild guess: Is it to eat man?

They tossed a dummy into the ocean, then were gratified to see it crunched by a shark. “Jaw force on human bones: Devastating!” They could have learned that--and also saved a lot of money--by staying home and watching “Jaws.”

But then they wouldn’t have been able to lower a caged Weatherly into the ocean to prove to the scientific community awaiting breathlessly on shore that a novice diver will panic when confronted by sharks. Brilliant!

And what about Weatherly’s terror?

It looked genuine, and anyone would be scared of sharks. However, Weatherly also said in a recent Times story that there was “quite a bit” of reenactment on “oceanQuest” and that it sometimes took 10 exhausting takes to get a scene right.

Science is hell.