Friendship and Trust Are Necessary Parts of Marriage

Question: Michael, my husband (third) of only seven months, is very threatened by the close relationship I have with my women friends. He resents the time I spend with them and pressures me for details of our conversations.

Needless to say, with two divorces behind me, I’ve spent my fair share of time single and depressed. These friends have been my support group and nurturers. But Michael feels I shouldn’t need them now that I have him.

It’s hard to explain, but I know that our marriage is healthier because of this important outlet. We’re at a stalemate. I won’t give up my friends, and he won’t accept them.

Answer: Your husband’s reaction is probably based partly on jealousy that these friends have shared and continue to share a part of you unknown to him.

He might also fear that you are discussing intimate details of your relationship with outsiders.

One of the qualities most often listed in studies on successful marriages is friendship. It requires trust to be vulnerable to another person.

Work at developing a true, sharing friendship with Michael. One does not preclude the other. It will enhance your marriage and relieve his anxieties about your other friendships.

Q: My son is going through a divorce from his wife of eight years. He looks terrible. Although he keeps pretty much to himself, I know what he’s going through, as his mother and I were also divorced. I’d like to help him if I can by letting him know that I understand his feelings. Perhaps he can even learn from some of my painful experiences, but I don’t want to lessen his image of his mother, whom he loves very much. Would it be a good idea to try and share with him?

A: There are lots of ways you can be supportive of your son without discussing the particulars of your own divorce. Empathize with his pain, spend time with him and be there to listen when he’s ready to talk. Avoid the temptation to take sides. His feelings are undoubtedly confused and raw, and he may well become defensive and angry if you attack the woman he’s loved all these years, even if he doesn’t now.

Every divorce is different. Sharing yours would not necessarily be helpful and could damage his respect for you and his mother.

Q: Is it appropriate to give a shower for a newly divorced man? Tom took nothing from his home when he and his wife split. He’s been living in an almost empty condominium, which is really depressing. I plan to invite only close friends and have it also serve as a housewarming party. What do you think?

A: What a terrific idea. Thanks for sharing a fun and practical way to start Tom off as an independent person.

Send your questions for possible use in Living With Divorce to Virginia Doody Klein, P.O. Box 16290, St. Louis, Mo. 63105.