Gay Household Bringing Up Baby : Mother, 2 Fathers Adjusting to Life With a 5-Year-Old

Joy Schulenberg and her two roommates, Geoffrey and Bert, were sitting around the dinner table one evening when she expressed one of her deepest longings--to have a child.

To her surprise, both men agreed that parenting was an aspect of life they were missing out on. So, the long-time roommates decided to have a baby and share the duties of being co-parents.

Today, more than five years later, their preschool child, Veronica, calls her lesbian mother “Mommy,” and her gay fathers “Daddy,” and “Papa.” The adults take turns baby-sitting and entertain the youngster with trips to Golden Gate Park or weekend outings. Veronica was also in the Gay Pride Parade, riding on a float with other children of gay parents.

“I’m fortunate to have two other people to help,” said Schulenberg, who gave birth at home. “We can rotate duties and we’re flexible.”

She said she was unprepared for the ups and downs of motherhood, the disdainful stares of some lesbians when she was pregnant and then having an infant around who needed constant care.

“We really weren’t prepared. We were very, very social people, so it was a culture shock,” said Schulenberg. “We suddenly had a 24-hour-a-day responsibility. But, I have no regrets, absolutely none.”

Schulenberg maintains an active lesbian social life, but continues to live with Veronica and the child’s two “fathers” in a family-like setting.

“I’m real domestic now. For Christmas I’m canning preserves and knitting clothes, things my grandmother used to do.”

Schulenberg said there are about 2 million gay or lesbian parents in the United States, most of them having had children in a traditional marriage. The trend among an increasing number of childless homosexuals, she said, is co-parenting with other lesbians or gays. Homosexuals are considering several options in order to have a child--intercourse with the opposite sex, artificial insemination, providing foster homes or adopting.

To help them understand the legalities, pitfalls and joys of having a child, Schulenberg interviewed hundreds of homosexual parents, co-parents and support groups for her one-of-a-kind handbook on the subject, “Gay Parenting, A Complete Guide for Gay Men and Lesbians with Children” (Doubleday, $9.95).

“I had quite an education when I started the project,” said Schulenberg, who “came out” as a lesbian at age 14 in San Francisco and was never subjected to the harsh discriminations that occur in less liberal climates. “There were lesbians and gays in the Midwest and South who didn’t know anybody else and were isolated. There are times when I cried when talking to these people.”

Geoffrey Worcester, who runs a computer business from the family’s large Victorian flat on Haight Street, said he and his lover, Bert Lacquement, initially were nervous at the prospect of being fathers.

“I was nervous about responsibility with a capital R,” said Worcester, a friend of Schulenberg’s since seventh grade. “I wanted a child desperately, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted the responsibility that goes with it, the threat to my life style.

“I found the changes didn’t lessen my life. In fact, it became more fulfilling after awhile. It’s easier to have a family with three people with different life styles. We don’t fit into molds and there’s no roles to fight since we’re already well outside of the rules.”

Lacquement said there was some initial friction when the baby was born because he and Worcester weren’t ready to settle down. “We wanted to rock ‘n’ roll, go to the clubs and play and have a child, too. Joy sometimes felt as though she was stuck at home, but that’s only her viewpoint.”

“There’s never been any doubt in my mind that we did the right thing by having a baby,” he said.

Schulenberg said there were times she got so angry she’d smash plates against the wall and scream at her roommates for being gone so much. However, she said things improved with time and once the three of them agreed to a flexible sharing of duties.

The three decided to have the child through intercourse and went through a legal marriage ceremony in order to be covered by insurance and to please their families. They won’t say which man’s name is on the marriage certificate and the baby’s name is Veronica Lacquement-Worcester.

Schulenberg said she’s now able to lead an active social life and never has to worry about baby sitters since many of her gay and lesbian friends enjoy the chance to be around children.

One woman in Kentucky told Schulenberg how her own parents were awarded custody of her 15-year-old son after it became known that she was involved in an intimate relationship with another female. “The strain of it almost broke me,” she wrote Schulenberg.

A New York psychiatrist who testifies in gay custody cases said that homophobic prejudices always are present, despite the law. “It’s still an uphill fight,” he said, adding that the spread of acquired immune deficiency syndrome in the homosexual community presents another hurdle to a gay person gaining child custody.

“Sexual orientation has nothing to do with being a good parent,” said one psychiatrist. “These are people who have come out of the closet and want to get their share of what life is about.”

Schulenberg said that one of her family’s worries is how Veronica will accept the fact that her parents are gay once she’s a little older. Studies, Schulenberg said, show that girls are more likely to accept their parents’ sexual orientation than are boys. And, the earlier a child is told about the homosexuality, the more likely they are to take a tolerant view.

“Ronnie” is currently in the Barbie-doll stage and has her own computer screen for drawing pictures. She doesn’t watch commercial television but is allowed to tune in the Disney Channel and other non-sexist and nonviolent children’s programs on cable TV.

“She’s independent and we encourage that in her,” said Schulenberg. “She’s also responsible and real secure and social. She’s spoiled rotten, of course. She knows she’s loved and in return gives a lot of love.