Kids Are Part of the Dating Equation

The romantic rendezvous for two now often includes three, four or more. With the high divorce rate and the increase in single-parent households, many singles find that dating someone new means getting acquainted with the date’s children.

For a single person who has been accustomed to dating others as unencumbered as himself (or herself), having to take his date’s children into account can be quite a shock.

George, 34, a director of TV commercials, wrote: “I’ve recently started dating Marge, an actress I’ve worked with several times. When I asked her out, we hardly knew each other. We arranged a date, and I picked her up at her apartment. I rang the bell and put a sexy smile on my face. But it wasn’t Marge who opened the door, it was an 8-year-old kid!

“I knew she had children (she also has a 6-year-old daughter), but they didn’t become real until her son answered the door. He seemed to be checking me out the way my dates’ fathers used to when I was a teen-ager.

‘It Was a New Situation’

“By the time Marge got through instructing the baby sitter, I knew I was in a new situation. I’ve never been married and I’ve never dated anyone with children.

“We’ve gone out twice. I like Marge and want to continue seeing her, but I have many questions:

” --She called the baby sitter twice during our date, and I found it annoying because I wasn’t used to it. Is her calling par for the course?

“--If we continue to see each other, can we spend a night together at her place? Can she stay at my place?

“--Should I bring a gift for her children? Should I suggest that we all go to the zoo or something?

“I know these questions sound naive, but this is all new to me.”

Children Are More Important

Questions such as these are on the minds of many people when they begin to date someone with children. The fact is, the other person’s children are part of the equation, and in the beginning, they are more important to their parent than the date is. George, and anyone else dating someone with children, has to fully recognize that fact. Doing so may help clear up some of the other issues.

For example, George’s annoyance at Marge phoning the baby sitter is based on his expectation that when Marge is with him she will have no thoughts or concerns that will interrupt their time together. This is unrealistic. Most parents of young children will want to check on whether all is well back home.

Does that have to spoil the romantic mood? Not if you don’t let it.

As a single father with custody of two daughters, I remember that when I was out on a date I would excuse myself to call home. When I returned, if the woman I was with asked how everything was and listened as I gave her a brief run-down (“My oldest daughter is worried about an essay she’s writing for school and I told her we’d go over it tomorrow”), we could quickly return to enjoying each other’s company.

Accept the Parent’s Role

But if she looked irritated and said something like “Do you really have to call them whenever we go out?” I might lose my taste for the evening and for her. By accepting the other person’s important parent role, you maintain and even deepen the closeness.

It should be possible for the two of you to be alone together for an extended period if you both want to arrange it. It may be more complicated than if you were both unfettered by children, but millions of unmarried parents manage it.

What’s important is that you address it as a joint issue, one that you must solve together. Find out what arrangements she can comfortably make to be away, how you can help with the arrangements, and how she feels about you staying at her place.

It’s Part of the Relationship

All these issues should become part of the fabric of the relationship. Your interaction with her children will also become a part of the relationship. Get to know them when you go to see their mother. They may be checking you out. They may understandably resent you as an interloper. If you become friends with them, and it seems like a good idea to bring them a gift or arrange a date that includes them, do so if their parent does not object.

Dating someone with children is not for anyone who wants all fun and games. It can present frustrations that do not occur in dating someone without children.

For example, weekend plans may have to be scrapped when one of the children becomes ill. There is also the frustration that arises out of the children’s moods and their feelings about you. But if you care about the person you are dating, don’t let these possibilities dissuade you.