Gambling on One-Armed Bandits
This message is not for the serious gambler. No. I take it back. I was very serious the other day in Las Vegas when I lost $20 at the slot machines.
The people near me who were playing the machines were just as serious. They also stared at the whirling fruit, bells and whatever, and their arms worked as mechanically as the machines they were feeding. Because no one seemed to be looking at anyone else, I felt a moment’s regret at all the clothes I brought. All eyes were fascinated by the one-armed torturers--the slot machines.
I divide gamblers into two groups: serious players and slot machine players. Although, as I can testify, you can lose a lot of money on the slots, there is a greater commitment to loss and a different (braver) personality in the person who sits down for an evening of blackjack or high-stakes poker. Serious gamblers look down on slot machine players. And we envy their nerve and their winnings.
I don’t want to discourage anyone from playing slot machines, or teach them how to play them (impossible), but I’d like to share some feelings. I have played enough to know that I can quit the machines--but not until it’s time for my bus or plane to leave. I’m not exactly an addict, just someone weak who enjoys the excitement--a petty gambler.
There’s a great deal of folklore about slot machines and how to win on them. If you play long enough, it will all prove true and false some time or other.
One of the most persistent bits of lore is never leave a machine you’ve been feeding money if it hasn’t paid off. Now how are you going to manage that? What about sleep, food, pit stops and plane reservations?
After serious study and interviewing other petty gamblers, I have some suggestions for possible ways to save your machine, if you believe the folklore:
Place a paper money cup over the handle.
Leave someone standing or sitting in front of the machine.
Move the stool to a new location so that it’s difficult for anyone to sit down there.
Write an “out of order” sign, and set it up until you get back.
Leave the machine when you have a small win on it. Even three bunches of cherries in a row will help to discourage someone.
Leave a smoking cigarette in the ashtray. A big cigar will be an even better deterrent.
Leave a half-finished fish sandwich in the money tray.
Or, tell everyone in earshot about the big wins you just had on the machine.
And then there are certain feelings that most slot machine players have in common. Perhaps you will recognize some of these:
“Just one more quarter.”
“My arm hurts.”
“Watch my machine. Don’t let anyone get it.”
“Please. Give me just one more quarter.”
“I know it’s ready to pop.”
“Oh, why didn’t I play the top line too?”
“My feet hurt.”
“Where did all my money go?”
“All I needed was one more 7.”
“It’s stuck! HURRY! Get someone to fix it.”
“I’m not leaving this machine with all I put into it.”
“I need a few more quarters.”
“I can’t stop now. Go to bed.”
“One lousy quarter. GIVE IT TO ME!”
“The heck with the show. I feel lucky.”
“I can’t leave my machine.”
“I can’t quit now. I’m losing.”
“I can’t quit now. I’m winning.”
I have felt and said all of the above. When I have to leave a slot machine, like a jealous lover I keep brooding about what is happening to my machine in my absence. I have never left the casinos a winner, but each time I can hardly wait to get back.
I interviewed three slot machine managers, trying to get some inside information.
One manager said to play the slots as some of the local people play them. These players put the maximum number of coins in the machines so they won’t miss the jackpots and they play only the dollar progressive machines.
A second manager said that some people win by continuing with a machine when it’s on a winning streak. He said, “Never quit when you’re doing well.”
And the third (wise) manager said, “If I knew how to win jackpots, I wouldn’t be sitting here behind a desk, working.”