The USFL Decision and What It Means to the Man at Door

Dear Answer Man . . .

I see the United States Football League is taking a year off, to regroup and raise funds to continue operation. Since the TV networks might not provide enough financing, how does the USFL plan to raise the money to stay alive?

I can’t tell you the league’s plan, because I’m pledged to secrecy. However, I would suggest that if a 280-pound guy knocks on your door and tries to sell you USFL cookies, you open your heart and your checkbook.

Who will Marvis Frazier fight next?

Marvis has signed to fight the winner of the rematch between Roger Craig and Whitey Herzog.

I can’t believe it. All the fanfare for the return of Pedro Guerrero, and he flounders in the outfield for four innings and gets two measly at-bats. Why did Lasorda take Guerrero out after the fourth inning Monday night?

Lasorda wanted to give Pedro time to get back to the clubhouse by the end of the game.

The Bears go to London. Law enforcement authorities, fearing terrorist problems, advise the players to maintain a low profile. So I see in the newspaper a photo of Jim McMahon stepping off the plane in London wearing a wild jungle fatigue outfit. Why didn’t this joker carry a Uzi submachine gun while he was at it?

His was in the shop.

What did the Brits think when they saw the football invasion party--Refrigerator Perry, Tom Landry, 26 semi-naked cheerleaders, an equipment man carrying two goal posts, and so forth?

They thought it was a taping session of “Benny Hill.”

I bet I’ve read a dozen times about how Tom Lasorda ate 100 clams at one sitting a couple of weeks ago. A lot of people could eat 100 clams. What’s the big deal?

Lasorda doesn’t know you’re supposed to shell ‘em.

Can you explain about these so-called personal services contracts some of the superstar USFL players have with their team owners? This means that the players will get paid even if the league doesn’t play, I know that. But what personal services do the players have to provide in return for their money?

I don’t know. I phoned Donald Trump’s corporate headquarters to find out, and I was put on hold by my operator, Doug Flutie.

I’m confused about this business of postgame radio interviews by baseball players. Do they actually get paid to do those things?

Of course they get paid. They generously grant a radio station three or four minutes of their time and deserve to be handsomely rewarded. The going rate is $50 a pop, but one team’s radio station has worked out a new agreement with the team’s players. In each interview the player starts with $100, and $2 is deducted for each cliche, each use of “y’know” and each blatantly evasive answer. The station is donating its profits to charity.

In reading accounts of the British Open, I kept seeing references to the “prickly gorse,” about how a ball would land in a clump of prickly gorse. What exactly is prickly gorse?

Prickly gorse is a relish-like condiment that Scottish golf fans put on their hot dogs. It’s a mixture of sour cream and pine needles. No, seriously, prickly gorse is a shrub that grows wild around the seaside Scottish golf links. Several of the American pros protested that the pesky gorse made conditions unconducive to low-scoring golf, and demanded that the gorse on the course be de-prickled.

You’re a close friend of most of the great players, Answer Man. Tell me, how did Refrigerator Perry like London?

Just fine, but he said it could have used a little more salt.

What is the USFL going to do with its $3 award?

The league owners voted to invest the money in growth-potential stocks. They gave Commissioner Harry Usher the money and sent him off down the road. However, on his way to the stock market, Harry met a man who offered to sell him a sack of magic beans for $3. The man told Usher the beans were magic franchise beans. You simply throw them out of windows in various major cities, pile on plenty of manure, and within a few days you have flourishing, full-grown football teams.

Amazing. Do the magic beans really work?

How do you think the New York Giants got started?