Unequal Exchanges in Conversation

Have you heard the things people are saying nowadays?

No, I don’t mean the jargon of computers or psychology. I can accept input and nurturing without blinking an eye.

It is not specific words that are offensive, but certain tones and poses and conversational bad habits.

Suppose someone tells you--as people will these days--that he wants to “ share an experience” with you. By taking the word out of its everyday setting (where you share a sandwich or a cab or a bit of luck), he has created a tone, a pose of generosity, a posture of intimacy. He is going to admit you into his secret life. Perfectly good, ordinary words placed in false contexts or spoken in self-serving ways can end up being quite offensive.

Often we blame our language, its abstractness, its tendency to jargon--what purists call its debasement-- for something that has little to do with language: the adoption of conversational stances that lessen rather than stimulate exchange.

Here are some recent conversational styles that we hear everywhere--not to be blamed on language, but on the self-serving uses to which we have bent it.

--For the record. A kind of conversation-as-performance is that of the person who talks as if to be quoted or at least overheard. The monologue here has an unmistakable air of Johnny Carson, and the one-liners, the quips, the bon mots are really for the larger audience--for the media, not for me.

--Free associating. Perhaps talk these days no longer serves communication but only self-expression. This inevitably leads to much theater of the absurd as two people speak right past each other. Example:

“I just got out of the hospital.”

“ I was in last March, and it was no picnic. . . .”

Some people find it difficult to keep their personal experiences out of any conversation. The news of someone’s death in a hotel room will be met with, “When I think how often I’ve walked past that hotel.” It seems that only by relating it to themselves can they grasp the information; his death has little significance and can be assimilated only when a personal connection is forged.

--Set pieces. A friend of mine recently spent the night in jail for reckless driving, and while in jail he was beaten up by a drunk whose advances he resisted. When I mentioned this to an acquaintance, he seemed sympathetic. That is, he looked attentive, nodding and making the right grimaces.

And then it happened. “Jail,” he said. “Our jails are inhumane. Overcrowded. They breed homosexuality. In Mexico they do it right. Conjugal visits, that’s what we need to combat homosexuality in the prisons. You can’t expect men to be without women for years and not become homosexual.”

Of course, he hadn’t listened. My friend had spent only one night in jail. Surely neither he nor the drunk, another over-nighter, could have had a conjugal visit then and there.

All of us have set speeches we like to insert into conversations. Few people who are on a sugar-free diet or in a new therapy group can resist explaining what it has done for their digestion or disposition. But the temptation to display opinions held in storage or to show off a certain inside information is now commonly indulged.

--Who’s No. 1? Self-congratulation has always taken place, but it used to be disguised. No more. It is not unusual nowadays to hear people boast: “I was obviously the smartest person he talked to on the Coast” or “He said I was a joy to photograph” or “The job takes six months to learn: I did it in one.”

--Virtues from defects. Self-praise often comes in the guise of self-criticism. Someone who says, “I’m the kind of person who doesn’t think to double check on what people say” may sound as if he is admitting poor judgment. In fact, he is merely reminding you of a virtue: He is so honest and trusting, he never suspects falsehood.

--On the attack. Another conversation stopper combines self-congratulation with verbal aggression.

“Have you seen ‘Out of Africa?’ ”

“I don’t go to movies anymore. I’m much too busy living life to go to the movies.”

The other person is both self-important and hostile, a common and lethal combination. He is in effect saying his life is real, mine is not.

--Mood spout. Some people emote rather than speak. Their words are a register of their emotional state, but the actual content is practically meaningless. Angry about their job , they’ll say: “This country just doesn’t work anymore.” Or, upset about taxes, they’ll blurt out, “All the politicians line their pockets.” The next day they might allege the opposite. That switch doesn’t mean much either--only that their internal weather has changed. It isn’t just that such people change their minds often; it is that each position they hold is curiously empty, a spur-of-the-moment invention to release inner pressures.

When people’s genuine sentiments are engaged, we have that most electrifying of social encounters, a conversation. It is then, in the philosopher Martin Buber’s terms, an I-Thou experience, in which the other person is recognized as unique and alive, and in which the boundaries between the two fall away as both pursue the pleasure of their meeting.

All too often these days, that desire to know, that real interest in the other, seems not there. Many conversations have become what Buber calls I-It. One doesn’t have the time or the inclination to see the other as real. Only pleasantries or monologues are exchanged.

The patterns I have listed all demonstrate a profound inattention to the other person. Too often, people talk at us rather than to us. We need to regain interest in one another for talk to be as enjoyable and enriching as it could be.