to Avoid the Post-Holiday Party Blues

It’s party time, and whether your invitations are many or few and far between, the party season is one of the big causes of holiday stress.

If you receive a lot of invitations, you may either exhaust yourself or feel guilty about the parties you don’t attend. You may spend time and energy considering everything from what to wear to what to drink, and you may worry about not mingling, not connecting and not having fun. And, if you don’t get many invitations, you may feel lonely, rejected or isolated.

Concrete Advice

But psychologists and therapists have some concrete advice to help prevent the post-party blues.

Don’t expect too much from a party.

“Very often,” says David Rapkin, a Los Angeles psychologist, “people live their lives in ways that result in a great deal less satisfaction than they really want, and then project some of their hopes to the party. It’s a setup. A party can only be a party.”

For some, post-party blues occurs simply as a feeling of letdown--great expectations unfulfilled. If you find yourself really looking forward to a party, spending time and energy preparing for it and becoming very excited, watch out. (This is true for the hosts as well as the guests.)

Rapkin says: “If a person has a lot of positive energy and has gotten up a big head of steam over a party, it can be a negative situation.” He explains that it’s hard to release that much energy at any party; so, on the morning after, people may be left with a vague feeling of disappointment.

“People have unrealistic expectations about parties,” says Myrna Hartley, a psychologist and executive director of Hartley & Associates, a West Los Angeles counseling center. “It’s the same adolescent, irrational fear we had when we were 15,” she says. “You’re not going to the party to meet your mate; you’re going to participate, to interact and to celebrate.”

And don’t consider a party invitation a subpoena. Space out your activities carefully, allowing time for quiet moments, sleep and all your regular and holiday-related chores.

Practice saying: “I have another obligation, but thanks.” Even if you love everything you’re doing, part of the post-party blues is sheer exhaustion, and that should be easy to prevent.

According to Cara Schenk, administrative director of the Chemical Dependency Center at Saint John’s Hospital and Health Center in Santa Monica: “People sometimes go to a party just because it’s a party and don’t evaluate what it will be like.” Knowing the host or hostess and the type of party they’re likely to have can help you decide if you’d like to be a part of it.

If you’re not sure about the party, Schenk suggests that you talk with the hosts about your questions. If you think there may be drug use or heavy drinking, but you’re not sure, ask. She says it’s much easier to decline an invitation than it is to walk out of a party once you’re there.

Write Down Fears

Hartley says she sees many clients every year who become extremely anxious when anticipating the parties they will be attending. She advises them to do their own “cognitive therapy” before the party. “Write down your fears and thoughts--everything, such as, ‘No one will talk to me’ or ‘I’ll look ugly.’ ”

Hartley says that the process of putting it down on paper will not only help clarify what is concerning you, but “it gets your anxiety down to a minimum, builds confidence and works very quickly.”

Relaxing before the party also helps. “Breathing exercises take your body from a fight-or-flight response to a relaxed state, preparing you to be your very best,” says Hartley. Pamper yourself.

Once you arrive at a party, problems may include: wondering how to mingle, making decisions about food and drink, finding the right thing to say and trying not to insult anyone. This can be work.

Sometimes the morning after is difficult because of the way you’ve behaved at a party or because of something you have said. “People should learn to keep their mouths shut. We say too much, thinking we should express everything we feel,” Hartley says.

She encourages people to spend their energy trying to make their hosts look good and to participate in the party as much as possible, whether it be dancing, playing the piano or talking to the children or playing with the pets.

Most hosts provide some form of alcoholic beverage, what some have called the “social grease” of the ‘80s. Schenk suggests that you have one drink, with lots of ice, then sip Perrier or soda. You’ll fit in, have something to carry around and to drink, and you’re far more likely to have a safe drive home.

Schenk also advises that you make plans for the trip home before you leave for the party. She recommends that “one person in a group should agree to abstain from drinking and should do the driving. However, bring some money for a phone call or for a taxi, just in case.”

If you think that regular parties create anxiety, what about work-related parties? “There’s an underlying sense of some degree of exploitation in a work party,” says Rapkin. You’re there to celebrate the firm and to make the right political moves, and that can be difficult.

Hartley suggests that it is important to know that it is normal to be more anxious at an office party. “Use the party atmosphere to help people get to know you as a person. Stay away from work-related issues, and share personal experiences, news about your children or your travels. Keep it light,” she says.

Too Little Partying

If your problem is too little partying rather than too much, don’t despair. The psychologists agree that the best way to curb the no-party blues is to have a party yourself.

It doesn’t have to be large; invite a few people over for a relaxing evening by the fire. “Too many people wait for others and wonder why they’re lonely. You need to reach out,” says Hartley.

Patty Wuertzer, a clinical staff nurse at Saint John’s Hospital and Health Center, says when she first moved to California from South Dakota, she and her husband found themselves all alone at the holidays. So they had a wayfarer’s dinner, inviting young singles and others they knew would be alone.

Amid all the party preparations and expectations, try to remember that parties are for fun and celebration.