‘AMERIKA’ THE WEARIFUL

As letters are starting to appear in newspapers around the country asking that ABC, to use the title of Kris Kristofferson’s new album, “Repossess” all 14.5 hours of “America,” I propose that all of us realize that one of the rights we have in this country is the freedom for a major network to sink $35 million into a project that is stupid, divisive, offensive and doesn’t even have Joan Collins in it.

This one miniseries has managed to bring together folks from all walks of life, all political stances, all races, creeds and colors. It has managed to offend just about everyone. Our country allows people to make total fools of themselves on network television, be paid enormous salaries for doing so, and have sponsors pay to put this on the air, where viewers can make their own decisions as to whether they will watch it.

After the first four hours of “Amerika” were shown last week in Nebraska, the Herald Examiner reported that “the pace drags down the overall impact and the key casting is nothing short of disastrous” and that “Kristofferson has all the charisma of a gnat.”

(A gnat ??? But, does he take his clothes off??? ) “He is dull to listen to, dull to watch, dull in the minimal amount of acting he has been given. He is just about matched for dullness by (Robert) Urich.”

Now, folks, does this sound like a TV show to inspire strain in Soviet/American relations? I think the only bad effect from this would have been if the Americans forced the Russians to watch the darn thing. Doesn’t sound like it moves right along there. And, there are 10 1/2 hours left.

“Amerika” sounds like the “Haven’s Gate” of television. Jonathan Halperin, of the liberal Committee for National Security, called it “slow, lousy and boring,” and Martha Little of the same group said, “it moves slower than a dead snail.” (Wouldn’t that look great in the ads?)

And Todd Gitlin, writing in the liberal Jewish quarterly, Tikkum, called the script “moronic,” and said that “Amerika” establishes a new low in stupidity in American television. Reed Irvine, for the conservative Accuracy in Media, says that it was “so slow I almost fell asleep.”

This miniseries needs help.

I offer two ideas. First, get Geraldo Rivera to take urine samples from all the cast and crew members to determine if they in fact do oppose Reagan’s policies. Kristofferson announced, during the filming in Toronto last summer, that no one involved with the production of “Amerika” supported the policies of the Reagan Administration.

I don’t know if urine samples can determine one’s political beliefs, but if anyone can figure out how to do it, Geraldo can. Then, the results could be announced bit by bit throughout the week, like the Lotto numbers are on Saturday.

Another idea would be to turn “Amerika” into a musical. Kristofferson promised the Rev. Justice, who had been upset about Kristofferson’s participation in this project, that he would write some peace songs.

Well, let’s hear those peace songs!! Kris could whip out his guitar at slow spots in “Amerika” and sing us some tunes. He wrote some appropriate tunes in the late ‘60s that could be stuck in as well, like “Burden of Freedom” and “The Law Is for the Protection of the People.”

PS: Instead of getting Krazy over “Amerika,” which is just a television show after all, why not have Calendar’s readers submit ideas of what to do instead of watching “Amerika” those 14.5 hours?

Like, taping 14.5 hours of “Wheel of Fortune” and seeing Vanna White (not Vernon White, Kristofferson’s personal manager; they are often confused) in 29 different outfits. Or getting together with friends to tape Phil Donahue and Ophrah Winphrey’s shows, watching them both at the same time and voting on which one is better. I’m sure the readers of Calendar can come up with much better ideas.

LINDA MOSE

Sherman Oaks