WAVING GOODBY

I caught the WAVE this weekend. That is, I caught 94.7 KTWV . . . rode it for quite a while, too (Pop Eye, by Patrick Goldstein, Feb. 15).

My surf report:

Bartles & Jaymes all around! Frank Cody, Howard Bloom and a bevy of New Jersey marketing mavens have created the first synthetic radio station! It sings, it plays, finds plenty of time for advertising, talks (sort of), and does everything a real radio station does, except . . . it’s not human! Isn’t that amazing?!

But wait, there’s more! Check out these great vibes: “new age music”! It’s soothing, relaxing. Just like the music your parents used to play . . . now with special additives DX-7 and Linn 9000! It’s better than Valium . . . not a bummer in the bunch.

How about that? Don’t answer yet! You also get a special collection of “Contemporary Dramatic Moments.” Burrow inside the tormented angst of four young professionals as they explore the seedy underworld of mutual funds, casual sex and BMW repair . . . simple, inspirational, everyday moments that have meaning for us all.

Sound tempting? Well don’t touch that dial until you hear this! You can ride the WAVE all by yourself! There won’t be any disc jockeys or news people to spoil your vibe, or pester you with reality. If you dig a tune, but don’t know what it is, or where it begins and ends, you can call the toll-free WAVE line from your mobile cellular phone! They can make this toll-free offer because there are no more jocks to pay! Jim Ladd’s loss is your gain!

And best of all, between every song, you also get a free WAVE jingle: a hypnotic musical mantra, “94-7 the WA . . . AAA . . . AVE.” Mmmmm . . . goes down easy!

It’s all yours at the touch of a button. Four out of five focus groups agree: the future of L.A. radio has washed up with the tide. Just wade right on in! Me . . . I’m moving to another beach.

MATTHEW WRIGHT

Pasadena