Though He Dresses Well, Basketball Isn’t His Best Suit

Remember how you always thought college life should be, but somehow it never worked out quite that way?

You should have had:

--A gorgeous Porsche. Not because you wanted to show off. You just didn’t want to be late for a chem lab because your ’50 Plymouth dropped a tranny.

--A gorgeous cheerleader girlfriend (and for you females, the male equivalent).

--A gorgeous wardrobe of designer clothes.

--In case you should ever wonder where your next meal is coming from, your own restaurant. Preferably right on the beach. Preferably not too far from your father’s restaurant, in case you ever need to borrow Tabasco sauce or something.

--A stock of surfboards, skateboards, skis and motorcycles. Because everybody needs a study break now and then.

--A starting job on your school’s nationally famed, conference championship basketball team.

--A solid academic major, like political science. Because what is college all about, anyway?

My college career didn’t work out quite like that. In fact, I know only one person whose college career did.

He’s Jack Haley, the 6-foot 10-inch center for the UCLA Bruins.

Even though Jack has all that stuff listed above, he manages to pull it off without being colossally spoiled and conceited. Quite the contrary, in fact. This is the personality kid. Mr. Congeniality.

Maybe it’s the hoops that keep him humble. Jack is the Bruins’ starting center, but he averages only 5.3 points and 4.7 rebounds.

When the experts talk about how outside shooting is the Bruins’ strength, and how they aren’t real strong inside, the experts are kind of zeroing in on Jack. Jack don’t be nimble.

OK, so he’s no Bill Walton. But Haley plays tough, he’s improving fast, and he’s had a great career for a guy whose high school sport was co-ed badminton. Besides, Jack might score more if the Bruins ever decided to give him the ball.

“There is one play designed for me,” Haley says. “It’s designated by a single fist in the air. You won’t see it called much. When I see it, my eyes light up.”

Mostly the Bruins have been reserving their fists for opponents’ faces, and Haley has gone about his business, playing tough defense, working the boards. He plays sort of a Kurt Rambis role. In fact, Haley says he models his game after the Lakers’ forward. To take nothing away from Rambis, with fantasy models like Akeem Olajuwon and Michael Jordan around, modeling your game after Rambis is like modeling your wardrobe after the postman’s.

But Haley is realistic. He’d like to shoot more, but he knows his place, and he’s just glad to be there.

He never played, or even watched, basketball in high school. His father was a champion surfer in the ‘50s, and Jack followed in dad’s waxprints. Jack surfed on the Huntington Beach High surf team, when he wasn’t skiing.

When dad told Jack he wanted him to earn a varsity letter in a team sport before leaving high school, Jack naturally chose co-ed badminton.

“All the gorgeous girls were on the badminton team,” Jack explains. He was the squad MVP.

In addition, Jack found time to compete seriously in hotdog skiing, off-road motorcycle and car racing, and skateboarding. And when he was 14, he, a brother and sister opened a restaurant on the beach at Seal Beach, with their father’s backing.

They did all the work, and still do, every summer. It’s a snack shop and beach rental operation, and the Haleys have the beach franchise. So in a way, they actually own the beach.

After closing the stand each summer day, Jack hustles over to his father’s restaurant in Sunset Beach. Jack manages that place, and stays until 2 a.m. closing time.

It’s hard work, but it keeps him in Porsches.

Haley took a stab at basketball in junior college and got good enough that UCLA offered him a scholarship. The role the Bruin coaches had in mind for him was to be a basketball version of a tackling dummy, a big body to throw around in practice and give the real players a decent workout.

Haley realized that he had a lot to learn. When he got to UCLA, Jack actually didn’t know that Lew Alcindor and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar were the same guy. He didn’t know that Walt Hazzard had once played basketball.

But he worked like a maniac on the court, and worked himself into the starting lineup. And he improved steadily. Last season, he shot 38% from the floor. This season, he’s at 57%.

He’s currently No. 7 in team scoring, and No. 1 in dressing.

“Fashion is my hobby,” Haley says. “It’s a means of self-expression, and I want to represent the school real well. I wear Georgio Armani, and Versatch, any of the top designers.

“The only guy on the team who can dress with me is Coach (Sidney) Wicks. We shop together a lot, talk fashion.”

What about Hazzard?

“He’s dressing better,” Haley says. “His first couple years, I tried to help him out. He’s good friends with Bill Cosby, and I think he’s starting to show the Cosby influence, with the nice pants and baggy sweaters.”

I feel that I should mention again that Haley says stuff like this in a completely non-arrogant, non-offensive manner. He realizes he’s had some decent breaks in life. He knows he’s got a fantasy life in a lot of ways. There’s just one thing he wishes.

“I really wish these guys (Bruin teammates) could see me surf,” Haley says, smiling at the thought. “Let’s go to the Wedge (in Newport Beach, the world’s most feared bodysurf break) and take off on a 20-foot backdoor barrel. Let’s go to Mammoth and ski Hangman’s.

“Somebody had a skateboard at practice the other day. I got on it and (the Bruins) were purely amazed. I was the Seal Beach skateboard champ in the seventh grade. They told me, ‘You look so natural and smooth on that,’ and I know I look mechanical and stiff on the court.

“I’m definitely in my best element in the water and on the slopes. If I could play basketball the way I ski and surf, Reggie Miller would be No. 2 around here. However . . . “