Mother’s Day: For Many, It’s Pressure

Mother’s Day, which rewards maternal instincts with such goodies as kisses, wine and roses, often turns into a stressful and anxious holiday for thousands of Baby Boom couples who choose not to have children.

“Being maternal is celebrated as a national holiday, but for those who decide to remain child-free--there’s nothing to acknowledge that,” said Jean Star Wald, a psychotherapist who counsels couples struggling with decisions on whether to have children. “There’s a lot of pressure that goes along with the holiday.”

Ten percent of all couples who want to have children suffer from infertility problems. For them, Wald said, Mother’s Day can cast a “kind of pall” over their lives.

“The holiday may cast some attention on women who are mothers, but at the same time it’s very much a day when others feel left out,” Wald said. “It’s a day that packs a wallop that’s not so obvious on the surface.”

Need to Talk

Wald conducts six-week sessions called “The Baby Debate” at San Francisco’s Mount Zion Hospital and Medical Center for couples who want to discuss the pros and cons of starting a family. About three of every four couples, she said, want to have a child but need to talk about how parenting will change their lives before making a final decision.

Others--because of shaky relationships, childhood trauma, careers, life styles or financial reasons--do not want children but feel pressured to address the issue by their parents or peer groups. They also want to address it because, in the case of most of the women, their biological clock is ticking down.

For those in a dilemma over parenthood, a holiday like Mother’s Day or Father’s Day often provides a “major nudge” toward making a decision one way or another, Wald said. The important thing, she said, is they belong to a generation where there is an option that was not always available: making a choice.

Most of those who have attended the dozen workshops she has held since 1985 are people in their mid-30s who are middle-class, college-educated, intelligent and successful, Wald noted. They have also had 10 to 12 years on their own or in a happy relationship.

Expectation of Control

“They grew up with the expectation of having a fair amount of control over their lives and life style,” Wald said. “They also assume that whatever they do they will do well, including parenting.”

However, she said, most of the couples have reservations and fears. Major concerns include what impact a child will have on the pair’s relationship; how a baby will affect a woman’s career, and conscious and unconscious fears and conflicts going back to their own upbringing. Life style change is an issue, Wald said, but one that seems to worry couples the least.

Vicki Duffett said she and her husband, Marc, were ambivalent about having a child but took the “Baby Debate” course because she had reached her late 30s. The result is a bright-eyed, 13-month-old toddler named Matthew.

“Both of us had been procrastinating until that point,” Duffett said. “We realized we couldn’t postpone any longer and had to discuss it before it got too late. If we decided not to have a child, we wanted to be very clear so there would be no regrets later.”

Her husband said discussing parenthood in a group setting made the issues seem less threatening and overwhelming. “It helped us voice a lot of the questions that troubled us, allowing us to talk about and think about what was involved in having a baby,” he said.

One man who likes boats said he was hoping to sail around the world someday, an adventure he was afraid fatherhood would threaten. After discussing his fears, he decided in favor of a child and of postponing the trip until the youngster was old enough to stay with relatives. A woman who did not want children because her career was taking off said she found support from others who sympathized with her position.

One working couple, both 31, attended the sessions because they were polarized over the issue--the wife wanted a child and her husband, a hard-working attorney, did not.

“We went to try and decompress the situation,” the attorney said. “Talking about the issue involved too much emotion and fire.” Now, he said, they have both agreed on certain conditions under which they could approach parenthood.

“I can’t think of a more important decision to be made in life, and no higher responsibility than having a child,” he said. “I’m really glad we struggled through the workshop. Our marriage is very important to me, and this was one of the few things we couldn’t discuss openly. We’re very much in love.”

The Duffetts own a motel near the San Francisco Zoo and are posting a sign for Mother’s Day announcing “limited services” with a picture of a big red rose. They also plan to take a family outing.

“He’s brought us closer together,” Marc Duffett said of his son. “It requires a lot of work, but he’s brought a lot of love into our lives. It’s just been great.”

Feeling of Entrapment

Wald said career women, in particular, often feel children will entrap them, even though in the enlightened ‘80s couples talk of egalitarianism. “Even with good intentions, it’s still the woman who is expected to do the most work,” she said.

Women are also more likely to be afraid of falling into a role of “being like their mother” with all the conflicts of their own childhood being repeated, including duplicating the mistakes of their parents.

Wald said she helps couples through the process of self-discovery by introspection, looking at goals and examining relationships. She also discusses forthrightly the hard work and changes involved in having a child.

“I tell them the first year or two after the baby is born will be a catastrophe, their whole life will be turned upside down,” she said. “The baby is completely helpless and dependent and comes first. Everything else is second and third.

“The real question for those wanting to be parents is whether they’re ready to stick it out--to give up time as a couple and as individuals.”

One way to help ensure success in parenting, she said, is to have a good relationship that includes communicating with each other about concerns so that neither parent feels overwhelmed by the compelling, immediate needs of an infant.

Extra Burden on Career Women

Career women, she said, feel an extra burden if they want to combine work with motherhood. “It’s stressful and takes a terrible toll,” she said. “A lot of women feel torn apart.”

Examining the option of parenting, Wald said, “stirs up issues about everything in your life.”