THE FOX HUNT FOR GUEST HOSTS: NO PRIZE IN BUNCH

Close call. Crazy-like-a-Fox Broadcasting almost made a terrible mistake. It almost allowed Frank Zappa to host “The Late Show.”

That would have been disastrous for Fox, which is committed to maintaining “The Late Show” (11 p.m. weekdays on KTTV Channel 11) as late night’s “Gong Show,” a self-flushing, bottomless black hole of drool.

Zappa, a brainy, inventive, outspoken man of many strong, incisively delivered opinions, has such a lethal wit that he might have jolted comatose viewers of “The Late Show” into remaining awake past the opening monologue.

Fox couldn’t have that.

The domino theory would then apply. First one standard of “The Late Show” falls, then another and another, until pretty soon, night after night, the entire hour is infected by intelligent thought. That’s revolution.

Zappa had been signed for Friday. He was to be another of “The Late Show” guest hosts employed by Fox since it fired Joan Rivers as regular host. The list has included Tom Snyder, Suzanne Somers and Martin Sheen, among many others.

When it came to Zappa, though, Fox got jittery and canceled. No wonder. You remember Zappa, rock musician and, even worse, nonconformist !!!!!

He’s that fanatic who believes rock music lyrics are not the reason some people take drugs, commit suicide, engage in raunchy sex, read smut, practice witchcraft, turn to crime, gamble away their money or get AIDS.

All right. All right. Fox could tolerate that extremist view. After all, Zappa is one of those . . . nonconformists !!!!!

But Zappa went too far. Guess who he wanted to bring on the show? Are you sitting down? Holding on to something?

Daniel Schorr, that’s who, National Public Radio’s commentator for the Iran- contra hearings. Wears glasses. Doesn’t smile much. Knows big words. Even worse, has something to say. Leave it to Zappa to find a goof-off like Schorr.

And who else did Zappa want? Gerard Straub, that’s who, who was fired as producer of Pat Robertson’s “700 Club.” And what would Zappa, Schorr and Straub talk about? Well, maybe an alleged connection between Robertson and Nicaragua’s anti-government contras.

That did it. Zappa obviously had an attitude problem. The unsuitability of his proposed guests was apparent to everyone but him.

In the first place, Schorr and Straub were so out of it that neither had a movie to promote. And they expected to be talk-show guests? Go on, get outta here.

With these two as guests, moreover, “The Late Show” could blemish its near-perfect record by straying dangerously near substance. And it wouldn’t stop with that. There’s every chance--almost too horrible to contemplate--that Zappa’s conversation with Schorr and Straub would leave viewers with something to think about afterward. Unaccustomed to such mental stimulation from “The Late Show,” viewers could get headaches, perhaps even brain tumors, and consequently could blame Fox.

What’s more, Straub’s comments almost certainly would anger Robertson, requiring the TV evangelist and prospective presidential candidate--who knows the Lord personally--to bring down the wrath of God on “The Late Show.” Fox would be risking having “The Late Show” canceled prematurely by being swallowed by fire or turned to stone.

Then Somers, who has two more guest-host shots scheduled this month, could sue Fox for breach of contract.

Obviously, Zappa was a loose cannon who had to go.

Even more obviously, if you watched “The Late Show” Thursday night with Sheen has host. Zappa would never match this excitement.

Sheen’s first guest was his son, Emilio Estevez, who made a joke about their shoes and quickly left. His second guest was Helen Shaver, his co-star in his new movie “The Believers.” They talked about the movie. “It’s a great psychological thriller,” Sheen said.

Sheen’s next guest was Malick Bowens, chief heavy in “The Believers.” “You are the most intimidating actor I’ve ever seen on the screen,” Sheen said.

They showed a clip of the movie. They talked about the movie.

Sheen’s next guests were comedians Mack and Jamie, who did a short routine. They were followed by a clip of their new movie, “Million Dollar Mystery.” They talked about the movie.

Sheen’s next guest was Dick Van Patten, who talked about starting production for an “Eight Is Enough” reunion film. Then he and Sheen talked about Patten’s new movie, “Spaceballs.” They showed a clip of the movie. Then they talked about the movie some more.

“I hope all three of our movies go through the roof,” said Sheen.

In one sentence, he had summed up the purpose of the show to this point--sending three movies through the roof.

Only eight minutes remained in the show when Sheen brought out Mitch Snyder, famed champion of the homeless, whom Sheen played in a TV movie.

Without a movie to promote, Snyder seemed out of place.

A homeless activist himself, Sheen is a good actor and a thoughtful, committed, articulate man who publicly supports causes in which he believes. On “The Late Show,” though, there is room for only one cause, the cause of absurdity. This nightly perpetuation of empty dialogue translates to a gnawing dullness, to which Mitch Snyder’s valuable message about the plight of the homeless becomes a tiny appendage.

Many others have passed through the same guest-host turnstile as Sheen, most floundering as helplessly as someone trying to navigate Niagara Falls in water wings.

You’d have predicted good things for Tom Snyder as guest host, but he seemed listless and out of sync.

If multiple appearances are a measure, Somers seems to be the favorite of Fox, the iceberg being invited back to the Titanic. If you can tolerate her mindless energy--the yucking and giggling and goo-gooing--you can tolerate anything. Somers is state-of-the-artless, the life of the party who isn’t, the lamp shade without the head. Is this the future of “The Late Show”?

Meanwhile, comedian Arsenio Hall was rushed in to host Friday’s show. The bill also included actress/singer Gloria Loring, comedian Bob Zany and a hand puppeteer. But fortunately for Fox--whew!--not Frank Zappa.