Perfectionist Parents May Do More Harm Than Good

“She’s a perfect child.” “He did a perfect job.” “It was a perfect party.”

Perfection is an attribute many people strive to attain, and it’s often a goal that some parents set for their children. Sometimes the desire to be perfect can be a strong motivation, but failure to achieve that goal can create anxiety, guilt and other undesirable emotions. When carried too far, it sometimes results in sickness or, in severe circumstances, even suicide attempts.

Not all perfectionists take their perfectionism to extremes; some limit it to one field, such as sports or the performing arts. But all perfectionists share one trait: No matter how well they do, they’re dissatisfied with themselves.

Child psychologists and psychiatrists are finding ways to help young people who are suffering from their desire for perfection and to assist parents who do not want to pass along their own perfectionistic traits to their children.

Psychologist Colette Davison of the Virginia Frank Child Development Center in Chicago says perfectionists set their sights high, but their drive to achieve isn’t prompted by ambition alone. Instead, they’re propelled by fear of rejection.

That fear starts early. “As children, perfectionists are afraid they’re not going to be loved if they don’t do well,” Davison said. They feel worthless unless everyone approves of them, adds Dr. Susan Forman, psychology professor at the University of South Carolina. As a result, these children spend all their time straining to please parents, friends and teachers.

But unlike other childhood problems, such as fear of the dark, perfectionism isn’t a stage children outgrow. Without intervention, the problem will persist into adulthood. By that time, “You’re dealing with very anxious people who don’t get much pleasure out of anything,” Davison said. “It limits their capacity to enjoy life--and the capacity of everyone around them.”

Compete With Themselves

Instead of competing with others, perfectionistic adults compete with themselves. They may have forgotten early experiences, but still live up to expectations their parents would have had. There’s no let-up, either: “They strive like crazy all through their life,” Davison said.

They also strive, sometimes without realizing it, to make their children perfect.

“You see parents pass on perfectionism to tiny children,” Davison said. “Rather than just letting them play with blocks, the parent interferes to get them to make something that looks good.”

In fact, many people think perfectionism isn’t all that bad.

“I wish just one of my children would be a perfectionist,” a Chicago woman complained. Then she explained: She simply wants to see them put more effort into household chores.

The goal setting that’s typical of perfectionists is actually a healthy motivator, Davison agreed. But some parents have unrealistic expectations for their children. They hang multiplication flash cards around a child’s bed or insist that the child practice football every day. These parents live through their child, experiencing the child’s success as their own.

Memories of perfectionistic parents don’t die easily.

“I remember bringing home a Spanish exam,” said Dr. Katharine Kersey, head of the Child Study Department at Old Dominion University in Norfolk, Va. “I had a 99 on it. My father asked, ‘Why not a 100?’ ”

Some Are Never Pleased

Many parents pass on perfectionism unconsciously. Some are never pleased with their own work; others can’t take compliments because they don’t believe they deserve them. Still others refuse to let their children see them making mistakes.

Some teachers also pass on perfectionism unwittingly. By praising only achievement and focusing on the best papers in the class, they give students a strong message--that the only way to get attention is by being perfect.

But not all children exposed to a perfectionistic parent or teacher become perfectionists themselves, and some become perfectionistic without the push of a parent or teacher.

“Some children just seem predisposed toward perfectionism,” Forman said. Other children have risk factors that increase their likelihood of becoming perfectionists.

Oldest children are especially vulnerable, Kersey says. Because they have no older siblings for models, “they compare themselves to their parents,” she said. “It’s such a distance.” Those comparisons establish a standard the children just can’t reach. In time, they assume that unreachable goals are a routine part of life.

Children of alcoholics and workaholics are also at risk, Kersey says. For these children, perfectionism fulfills two needs: It allows them to please a parent and helps them escape the parent’s wrath.

While perfectionism varies from one person to the next, certain characteristics are typical, such as a low tolerance for mistakes. Some children tear up school papers that aren’t perfect. Others may lose a card game and throw all the cards on the floor, Kersey said.

Many perfectionists also have a compulsion to succeed in unlikely fields. Someone who once found it difficult to express ideas may become a writer, Davison said. “They cannot accept that there’s a side of themselves that’s weaker, and will spend their whole life trying to overcome it with impossibly high standards.”

Extreme concern about appearance is also typical. Some children spend hours making sure that they have just the right clothes. They may become irate if a single hair is out of place.

In addition, perfectionists are known for dawdling.

“If they’re doing anything that shows a result--writing, creative work--it tends to take them a long, long time,” Davison said. “It’s a nice piece of work, but so much effort, time and stress goes into it that the creativity gets stultified.”

They also tend to procrastinate. Faced with difficult tasks or long-term projects, perfectionists put them off until the very last minute. This allows them to avoid the fear of failure that the work arouses in them.

In a similar vein, some of these children avoid work completely. They reason that if they don’t attempt a task, they won’t fail at it. Some children take such a long time on an English assignment that they never get to their math homework, Davison said. In extreme cases, they may even drop out of school.

No New Ventures

Unwillingness to try new ventures is another typical trait. A child may resist playing a new game for fear of losing, Kersey says. Others avoid new subjects in school, afraid of failing.

Fear of failing is most evident in test anxiety. Children who clench up over tests may fear actual failure, but many fear what only they view as failure, even if it’s a score of 99.

Jealousy is inevitable for the many perfectionists who view everyone else as perfect. As a result, they set themselves up for a lifetime of envy.

When these children don’t get help, perfectionism takes a heavy toll. Obsessed with achievement, they drive themselves unmercifully, even when they’re already getting top grades. Still they’re never satisfied and can’t enjoy their achievements, Davison said. Competitive behavior and workaholism keep these children in constant tension. They find it impossible to relax, even away from school, because every activity becomes a testing ground.

Overemphasizing achievement makes children one-dimensional, said Dr. Michael Frey, coordinator of child psychiatry services at Lutheran General Hospital in Park Ridge, Ill.

Fear of Failure

“If they’re compulsive about academics, they don’t develop other parts of their personality--social skills, humor, outside interests,” he said. One-dimensional children also suffer terribly when they fail in their chosen field. “What about the kid who practices baseball and doesn’t make it into the minors? Now everything the kid’s invested in is gone,” he says.

Overemphasis can have paralyzing results, Davison said. The child who never gets the chance to develop social skills may become extremely shy and withdrawn, fearful that any social blunders will repel potential friends.

One-dimensional children become even more compulsive in adolescence. Anorexia and bulimia haunt teen-agers who never feel quite thin enough. Students who are obsessed with grades may cheat to ensure their success, according to studies at the University of Maryland.

These young people feel a frustration that won’t let up. Terribly disappointed in themselves, they imagine that they’re letting everyone else down. With no relief in sight, some run away to escape their problems. In extreme cases, suicide becomes an attractive way out.

However, there are ways that parents can help their children avoid that pain. Young perfectionists can recover if parents get involved early. Although helping the child may force the adults to give up a lifetime of perfectionism, it can be done. Psychologists recommend these steps:

Accept Yourself

Accept your own perfectionism. If you’re a perfectionist, this may be the most difficult step. You might fear that your child’s performance will deteriorate if you relax standards. But usually perfectionism interferes with achievement rather than improving it, Davison says.

Develop a healthy attitude toward mistakes. Instead of apologizing for your mistakes, brush them off. Laugh at your errors and teach your child to do the same. Seek out chances to chuckle that won’t hurt the child’s feelings. A star student can laugh about tripping over a step more easily than about a mistake on a test.

Help your child set realistic goals. Many children take an all-or-nothing approach to improving achievement. If your son takes 20 minutes to get up in the morning when called, set a goal of 15 minutes instead of expecting him to rise and shine immediately.

Encourage experimentation. Instead of shying away from activities you find difficult, try them and urge your child to do the same. Children learn to take risks by watching you try something new. Kersey recommends non-competitive activities such as canoeing, cooking and drama, where it pays to both give and receive help.