Super Nerd : UCI Student Is Smarter Than a Speeding Bullet

His glasses were thick, his thin hair heavily oiled. When he spoke, his tortured sentences spun mathematical abstractions.

Then there was the strand of toilet paper he had absent-mindedly left hanging from the zipper of his rumpled trousers.

It was little wonder, then, that this slide-rule toting UC Irvine student, who called himself “Harold Eugene,” took first prize as the nerdiest Nerd of 1988. Indeed, he proclaimed himself Superman of that bastion of nerd-dom, the UCI engineering department.

“I can leap computer terminals in a single bound,” gurgled Harold Eugene in his raspiest voice. “I’m Super Nerd.”

While about 200 UCI students and faculty laughed and applauded, Harold Eugene--better known as physics major Alan Van Drie--tripped and stumbled his way into campus stardom during Wednesday’s outdoor competition, the highlight of UCI’s annual Engineering Week.

Engineering students often are accused of being nerds, noted master of ceremonies Gary L. Guymon, chairman of the UCI department of civil engineering.

Gazing out over the audience, Guymon smiled. “I’d like to define what a nerd is: A nerd is basically what we’re here for. We’re making fun of people’s perceptions that engineers work hard, study all the time, don’t have any fun, dress kind of funny, look funny, their eyes kind of glaze over a little bit.

“And occasionally, they have a green wart growing out of their nose.”

Van Drie, a.k.a. Super Nerd, didn’t have a green wart growing out of his nose. Otherwise, Guymon’s description fit him like a glove.

After stumbling onto the outdoor stage, the 21-year-old student from El Segundo noticed someone laughing at him. Van Drie drew the long slide-rule dangling from his belt and faced the laughing student. “Come on, punk, make my day,” he rasped, waving the improbable weapon.

Van Drie then proclaimed his superpowers. But as he peered through darkly tinted, thick eyeglasses, he had a little trouble with the Clark Kent-changes-into-Superman part. His attempt to rip off his shirt failed. Instead, he fumbled nerdishly at the buttons.

A chorus of “Aaahhhs!” greeted the giant “S” of Super Nerd as it emerged from beneath his shirt. Female engineering students faked swoons. And when it came time for the applause meter, well, there was really no contest. Super Nerd Van Drie claimed first place.

Second place went to “Zorky”--also known as Greg Hanssen, 21, of Honolulu--who regaled his audience with a nerdish laugh and a recitation of the first 100 digits of pi by memory.

Placing third was “Big Boy,” or Alan Chan, 19, of Los Angeles. He drew chuckles with a paper toilet-seat cover encircling his neck and a demonstration of how he oils his hair.

One crowd pleaser was a skit in which a group of mad scientist nerds worked Dr. Frankenstein-like to create “Robo Nerd.”

Another was “Howdy,” known to his friends as 18-year-old Bob Busch of Redondo Beach, who delivered a poignant love poem titled “Me and My Apple Computer”:

O, Apple, Apple, Apple

You are my forbidden fruit.

Your keyboard is so gentle

Your monitor is so cute . . .

If you were a piece of wood

I’d coat you all with lacquer

And save you for all my life

‘Cause I’m your favorite hacker.

Not among the winners was “Gwendolyn Dittmire,” the stage name for Debra Hanks, 21, a civil engineering student from Irvine.

Asked if she was miffed that all the top placers were men, Gwendolyn squeaked, “Well, nerd women do have a problem with clothes. But if they do this one more time, I’m filing a suit for discrimination.”