Child-Free Couples Prefer Freedom to the Ties That Bind

When we asked to hear from readers who are “childless by choice” a couple of weeks ago, at least one person objected to the way we worded the question.

Rob wrote to say he doesn’t like the term “childless.” He prefers “child-free,” because, he says, “it connotes a deliberate choice.”

The 35-year-old Tustin resident acknowledges having wistful fantasies now and then about shooting baskets with a son or giving a daughter a push on a park swing. But he doesn’t expect that he and his wife, Suzie, 33, will ever take the step necessary to turn those visions into reality.

Rob acknowledges that he and Suzie, married for seven years, are giving up something by not having children. But he’s convinced they’d have to give up even more if they did.

“Even though we’re not constantly on the go, we think that having and raising children would be an encumbrance to our life style. Neither of us wants to permanently refocus our attention in the way we believe we would have to. Spontaneity and the freedom of movement between work, workouts, dinners, movies and traveling seem to be a casualty of child rearing, and this flexibility isn’t something we want to give up.”

Besides, Rob says, “Why have a child when you are one? I guess I probably am selfish and immature. But those are not necessarily negative connotations.”

In keeping with the current baby “boomlet,” many of the couple’s friends are having children. But Rob and Suzie are part of a growing minority of couples who consider their families complete without any additions.

One in 10 married women in the United States is childless, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. The bureau does not distinguish, however, between those who have chosen not to have children and those who are unable to do so.

Rob says the subject of children never came up when he and Suzie were dating. After the wedding, he said: “I think Suzie was probably looking forward to parenthood. I was just neutral. It wasn’t so much an aversion to children as a lack of genuine parental desire.”

At first, there was pressure from parents who wanted to become grandparents, Rob says. But by the time they celebrated their fifth anniversary, Rob and Suzie had plenty of nieces and nephews and their parents stopped asking. “We were kind of like the odd couple out,” Rob says.

The nieces and nephews also give Rob and Suzie a chance to test the waters of parenting without committing themselves to the responsibility full time. “We spend time with them, and then we can go home to our little twosome,” he says.

For now, at least, Rob says he and Suzie are leaving open the possibility of changing their minds. “I really don’t expect we will,” he says. “But feelings can change. The biological clock is always the issue, and I know that eventually it will make the decision for us. But I would never get a vasectomy or ask Suzie to do anything along that line for the same reason we don’t have children. We want to leave all the options open.”

Nancy, 40, a letter carrier who lives in Laguna Beach, also prefers the term “child-free.” “The word childless makes it sound like something’s missing,” she says. “And for us, that isn’t true.”

Nancy has taken her decision to remain “child-free’ a step further than Rob and Suzie have. When she was 35, she underwent a tubal ligation.

Even before their wedding 17 years ago, Nancy and her husband, Walt, now 49, had agreed to postpone children for a while.

“We decided we would wait four or five years,” Nancy says. “I came from a large family--I was the oldest of eight--and I wanted to wait for a long while. I had already spent a lot of time taking care of children. I needed a break.”

After five years had passed, Nancy and Walt gave themselves a one-year extension. The next year, they made the same decision. After a few more years of that, Nancy stopped taking the pill, but not because she was ready to get pregnant.

“It was more of a health consciousness,” she says. “I had read that you should take a break after a while. But when I stopped, there was some fear on my part that an unexpected pregnancy might come up. It began weighing heavily. That’s when we made the decision. We enjoyed our life style the way it was. So why complicate things?

“There are many choices in this world, and the stereotype is to procreate. Everybody thinks that’s natural. It probably is. But in our case, it just wasn’t. It’s nice to have the choice. I wish young people would think about that before they realize what a responsibility they’re getting in for. Sure, children are nice and soft and cuddly in the early years. But what about the terrible 2s? What happens when they become teen-agers? It’s such a heavy-duty responsibility.”

Nancy says that now and then, she does think about what might have been--but not with longing. “I look at my sisters, my neighbors, and I think, ‘There, but for fortune, go I.’ ”

But what about the things she is giving up by not having children? Does Nancy ever worry that she’ll have no one to depend on in her old age? “We have retirement plans,” she says. Will she miss having the children and grandchildren gather for holidays? “I don’t mind,” she says. “I won’t have to clean up after them.”

What about a legacy for future generations? “I have always thought that I’m a very small cog in the wheel. Our impact is not going to be greatly felt in one way or another. I’ll leave that for the mightier thinkers.” A genetic legacy, then? “You don’t think of that in people,” Nancy says. “You think of that in racehorses.”

When she married John 11 years ago, Jan, 40, already had decided not to have children. And since John, 41, already had two sons from a previous marriage, Jan says there wasn’t much pressure on her to produce a child.

“It wasn’t like I was depriving him or anything,” Jan says. “I just didn’t want the responsibility. I liked the way my life was, being able to come and go as I pleased.”

The two boys, now 18 and 16, live with their mother, but they visit their father and stepmother frequently. Does Jan enjoy being a stepmother?

“Yeah,” she says hesitantly, but she admits “it’s not something I would have chosen.”

Two years ago, Jan scheduled surgery for the tubal ligation that would have made her decision final. “But then I didn’t do it for one reason or another. I don’t know if I will now, maybe because of my age. But I’m not worried about it.”

Jan says she hasn’t wavered, not even when she sees someone else with a beautiful baby. “I just think, ‘Oh, that’s nice. I’m glad it’s somebody else’s.’ ”

A postcard from an anonymous reader was brief but poignant: “We both had unhappy childhoods, so I guess that we are just too afraid to have any children,” the card said.

But Nancy, Rob and Jan say they had pleasant childhoods, so that was not a factor in their decisions.

“I had an idyllic childhood,” Rob says. “It’s just not over yet.”

Readers, you’re the real experts on family life in Orange County. Give us your opinion; share your experiences on this or other topics:

Are You Unfaithful?

You looked into each other’s eyes once and promised there would never be anyone else. But that seems so long ago now, especially during the stolen moments you spend breaking that vow. Controversial sex researcher Shere Hite reported that most husbands and wives have strayed at some point. But advice columnist Abigail Van Buren--and thousands of her readers--insist that adulterers are in the minority.

What about you? If you’ve had an extramarital affair, tell us how and why it came about and what happened afterward. Did your marriage survive? Would you do it again? What advice do you have for those who haven’t yet strayed, or those who are considering it?

Were You Betrayed?

Or maybe you’re on the other side of the issue, the wife or husband who has been betrayed. Did you suspect? How did you feel when you found out? Have you forgiven your spouse? Or is yours an “open” marriage, in which other relationships are acceptable?

Send your comments to Family Life, Orange County Life, The Times, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, Calif. 92626. Please include your phone number so that a reporter may call you. To protect your privacy, Family Life does not publish correspondents’ last names.