He’s 38 and Still Single, and Here Are the Reasons Why

In the pantheon of grating questions, it can rank right up there with “What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?”

In fact, it can be worse than that because, for some, there’s no easy, clever or pat answer to “How come a nice person like you isn’t married yet?”

You’re intelligent, attractive, well-read, well-spoken, financially secure and get along well with the opposite sex. Yet you may have reached your 30s or 40s and never have been married. So . . . ?

Here’s what Steven, a 38-year-old Laguna Beach resident, had to say about it in a letter to Single Life:

“(I) have never been married or lived with anyone, though I like women a lot and relate to them very well. Throughout my adult life I have had many enjoyable relationships of varying lengths, but have never been moved to make any sort of commitment, though there have been many opportunities to do so with a number of wonderful women.

“I think maybe it’s been based on an insecurity within myself. I feel as if I’m painting a portrait of myself, and I don’t want anyone to get a good look at it until I’ve finished it. . . .

“The reactions from new people range from, ‘Why hasn’t someone snapped you up?’ to ‘What’s your problem? Think you’re too good?’ ”

Not too good, Steven said in a telephone interview. Not good enough.

“I’d say it’s more me feeling that I didn’t have the right qualities to offer,” he said. “Up until recently I didn’t feel I could be realistic about settling down, but now I feel like I can address the concept. I was concerned about disappointing (women), not being that white knight that they were looking for.

“I know it’s unrealistic, but for lack of a better term, people might call me a perfectionist. I’m looking for the perfect woman, but I want to present the perfect guy. Still, as I get older, I get a little more realistic about it.”

Those “white knight” characteristics, he said, revolved around one idea: “a secure environment in all ways.” He said he wanted to be mentally prepared to be completely faithful to a wife and financially prepared to be a provider.

Steven, who works for a commercial real estate development firm, characterized himself as reasonably handsome and in good shape, intelligent and educated, and financially secure. And, he said, his luck with women has been consistently good.

“I love women,” he said, “and I’m happy to say that they respond well to me. I’ve had a number of very happy relationships. But either the person wasn’t quite right or I didn’t feel I was quite right for them. That doesn’t mean those relationships weren’t fulfilling. In fact, afterward those women turned out to be very good friends of mine.”

Still, Steven admitted, he holds dear one idea that can be a barrier to marriage. He’s as picky about his women as he is about himself.

“I want to hook up with someone who can do the same sort of thing for me that I’d like to do for them,” he said. “I don’t want someone who’s young, flighty and insecure with herself, who doesn’t know where she’s going. It’s important to me that they don’t appear that they’ve seen it all and done it all. They should be mature and self-sufficient to a degree, but not bored or jaded.

“I have trouble very much with an attitude of a woman who’s looking for a free ride. She doesn’t have to be a Wall Street wizard or anything, but I admire a woman who makes her own way. Intelligence is at the top of my list. She should also have widely varied cultural interests, and open-mindedness to new things is important.

“Obviously, I like attractive women, but in a more general way I’m concerned with the fact that they respect their bodies and take care of them. They don’t have to be 10s.”

He has met women often in the course of his work, he said, and sometimes has been introduced to new women by married people, who make up the majority of his friends.

“Generally,” said Steven, “the woman of the couple is intent on making a match and they fix me up occasionally. It’s always well-intended and occasionally positive. I always welcome that. It’s one of the best ways to meet people and I consider it a compliment on the part of my friends.”

Also, he said, “most of my friends are very happily married and have provided me with a set of examples for a really good marriage. But it’s difficult for them to relate to my position . . . of being a single person.”

At age 38, does this single man--whom some might consider an endangered species--often get asked that jarring question in the second paragraph?

“More often,” Steven said, “I get a more complimentary question to the effect of, ‘I’m amazed, why hasn’t someone snapped you up?’ But I think that frame of mind now is less common than it used to be. More and more people seem to be surfacing who are in my position, being older and single. And I think that’s good, because people are making fewer bad decisions. They’re rushing into things less. And because of that there are more stable marriages and home environments for raising children.

“Being older and never married used to get a lot of raised eyebrows, but I think it’s now being seen as less odd. People like myself are being viewed as more valuable, all other things being equal. If you’re not making quick decisions and looking for a stable relationship and making sensible, logical decisions for your future--I think people respect that. Fewer people say, ‘Geez, what’s wrong with you?’ ”

So, Steven, what’s a nice guy like you doing in a single life like this?

Adapting.

“Sometimes,” he said, “I think I’ll never be where I want to be and that I should accept myself as I am and allow someone to accept me, too. Allow is really the word there. A number of wonderful women were willing to accept me as they knew me, but I wasn’t secure enough at the time.

“I’m getting better. I don’t ask anything of a woman that I can’t deliver myself. I want any relationship to be an equal situation.”

Conspicuously Single

The mailbox is still open on the subject of being single in your 30s or 40s. Women, what type of attitudes do you encounter when people find out you’ve never been married? Do they think there’s some “wrong” with you--or something “right?”

And So to Bed--Maybe

How has the era of AIDS affected your dating relationships? How can you be sure you’re ready to take the step into sex--and how much of a risk, both emotional and physical, is involved? If you’ve chosen an extreme course--either celibacy or promiscuity--we’d like to hear from you, too.

Abortion Aftermath

If you’ve had an abortion, how did you arrive at this intensely personal, yet very controversial decision? Has time affected your feeling on whether it was the right or the wrong thing to do?

Send your responses to Single Life, Orange County Life, The Times, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, Calif. 92626. Please include a phone number so that a reporter may contact you. To protect your privacy, Single Life does not publish correspondents’ last names.