Unless Lightning Strikes, Some Women Just Won’t Warm Up

What is that element that sets a romance in motion, that often undefinable sizzle that quickens the pulse, widens the eyes and slams a brand-new relationship into high gear? Is it looks? Power? Confidence? Sex appeal? Ingredient X?

Whatever it is, said Glen, a 32-year-old engineer from Anaheim, the women he meets seem to want it right now . If her knees haven’t gotten weak by the time the entree arrives, writes Glen, it’s a good bet she’ll have crossed him off her A list by dessert.

“My only explanation,” he wrote, “is that too many women are waiting to see if the man in question can set off ‘fireworks’ before lowering their guard enough to feel anything. . . . It’s more the impatience I see on the part of many women that I have dated, that I need to sweep them off their feet and deliver them to ‘happily ever after’ by the third date or they’re going to look for greener pastures.”

The third date in some cases can almost be a luxury if the woman is in a hurry, Glen explained.

“Some people,” he wrote, “will fall back on the ‘four-minute rule’: If you don’t feel sparks within the first four minutes, it will never happen.”

The last woman he dated, he said, “was a perfect example of this. We had three great dates, each six hours of varied activities, and had a fourth set up. Next thing I know, she’s on the phone telling me that ‘we really have a lot of common interests, and I really enjoy your company, but it’s not there romantically for me’ (though she still wanted to get together for our fourth outing). Maybe I was brought up with an alien value system, but what I’m looking for in a mate is someone who shares a lot of common interests, and whose company I enjoy.”

It’s as if many of the women he meets are impatient and from Missouri. They want to be shown and they want to be shown right away. Glen speculated in a telephone interview that the “four-minute rule,” originally applied exclusively in job interviews, has found its way into the world of dating--”The One-Minute Manager” spawning “The Four-Minute Romance.”

“I definitely don’t subscribe to that point of view,” Glen said. “I’ve seen too many instances when that wasn’t the case.” He referred to his letter, in which he wrote that “the second-best relationship I have had in my years of singlehood was with a lady who was not even my first choice for a date. I had the opportunity to talk to her several times (we met through a singles group) and get to know her well enough so that by the time she offered me a home-cooked meal (our second date), the fireworks were starting to go off. However, if it had not been for the opportunity to get to know each other a bit first, it would never have happened.”

That woman, Glen said, actually was his “second choice” among the women in the singles group. He initially had his eye on “a woman who had immediately impressed me more.”

“But the other woman, I’d see her at events and I’d sidle up and chat for a while and she responded a little by seeking me out at certain functions. I don’t know who asked who out first, but it sort of started out real loosely. The first couple of times I saw her, I thought she was nice, but I was still thinking of the other person.”

Time and encouragement from his “second choice” eventually convinced him that he had been wise to be patient.

There is even greater wisdom when that patience is applied in matters sexual, he said, although he added that he is often surprised to find that the women he dates aren’t willing to exercise that patience to the same degree.

“Even before the AIDS crisis reached the current level of hysteria,” he wrote, “I was scaling down my (sexual) activities. For me, giving totally of myself physically demands an equal commitment psychologically. I couldn’t feel tremendously good about myself without feeling that I really knew the person I was with.

“However, I have used the (singles) classified ads at times, and even as late as last year I was meeting people who appeared to be out to rush me under the covers as quickly as possible.”

The one time in the past two years that he did have sex, Glen said, he insisted on using a condom, “but she was resistant to the idea.”

That perplexed him.

“That struck me as very strange, particularly with the AIDS scare,” Glen said. I needed to know much more about (those women) and needed to know there was a possibility of the relationship going somewhere. For me to engage in the sex act is a very giving thing on my part. I don’t want to ring up notches on the belt. I was never that way and I’m much less that way now. I want to know that the other person is going to be around for some time.”

Consequently, he said, he is patient and mostly celibate while many women he has met apparently are not. Still, he added, he continues to occasionally meet women for whom patience is still a virtue.

“The classic case in point happened to me last week,” Glen said. “I met this woman through a singles group and I suggested we get together Saturday for a bike ride. She called Tuesday to cancel because she had to spend the weekend in San Diego, but she said she’d still really like to get together and asked if I was available the next Saturday. Rather than putting the onus back on me to find a time when she was available, she asked me when I was available. I see that very rarely.”

A woman’s willingness to let a relationship develop past the first date, or the first impressions, or even the first four minutes, can pay dividends, Glen said. She may be delaying quick gratification, or risking spending time with a person who may not be right for her in the long run, and she may become emotionally vulnerable in the bargain. But in the end, she and he may both win, he said.

“Women should let a man know they’re interested in him,” he said. I’m on the introverted side and have not always made the first move. But I can look over the last several years of dating and I can list out four different times when the woman asked me out first. And I think it’s rather interesting that out of those four, three of them went on to become three of my best relationships. I wish more women would know that and take a chance on doing that. It makes me feel great that someone is interested enough in me to take that risk of rejection.”

Old Friends, New Lovers

You’ve known him or her for some time, maybe for years, and you suddenly find yourselves drawn together romantically. How do you deal with it? Do you avoid each other for fear of spoiling a good friendship? Or do you take a deep breath, jump ahead and hope for the best? We’d like to hear from you if you’ve had a friend become a lover. Did the romance succeed or fail? And, if it didn’t work out, were you able to salvage the friendship?

The Romantic Weekend

The new person in your life proposes that the two of you go away together for the weekend. A couple of days in Santa Barbara or Palm Springs sounds great--or does it? Maybe you’re worried about things going too fast too soon. Do you say yes or no? Or yes with conditions? And even if it’s an unqualified yes, are you worried that a couple of days away may reveal something about you or your partner that you’d rather not know just yet? We’d like to hear from those who have made the romantic weekend work--and from those who have seen it fizzle.

It’s A Gift

Buying a present for a new romantic acquaintance can be a delicate matter. The main question centers on: How lavish can I, or should I, get? Will too much frighten him away? Will too little make her think I’m cheap or inconsiderate? Or is it really the thought that counts after all? How have you solved the gift-giving dilemma for the latest love in your life?

Send your comments to Single Life, Orange County Life, The Times, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, Calif. 92626. Please include a phone number so that a reporter may contact you. To protect your privacy, Single Life will withhold correspondents’ last names.