Telephone Messages That Betray Your Hang-Ups

“Hi, this is my inner self. I’m not in now. . . .”

You can tell a lot about people by their phone messages.

Take my message: “This is Alice. Please leave your name, your number and your message. You can put my check in the mail.”

This tells you I am a simple no-nonsense person. And a cheap hustler.

My friend Susan has a wonderful message. “This is Susan. At the tone, please leave your name and the time and the date . . .”--here Susan actually snickers on the tape--”. . . and tell me about yourself.”

This tells you that Susan is a journalist. She wants to know the factual details. And she cares about you. But let the caller beware. You are her potential objet d’ snickers .

My friend Jack works for the phone company. Jack lets you know that he’s a “now” kinda guy. He has a state-of-the-art message. First you get Jack’s friendly voice: “Hi, it’s Jack. I can’t come to the phone now because I’m in Philadelphia. But I’ll be back at this number tomorrow.” At the phone company you don’t live in a town, you live at a number.

Then another voice comes on--the electronic lady voice from Electronic Ladyland: “If you would like to leave a message, press 1. If you wish to speak to the operator, press 2. If you would like more options, press 3. . . .”

There are people in the Soviet Union who would die for that More Options button. And what can these options be? “If you would like to arrange a meeting with the operator, press 4. If you would like to see dirty pictures of Jack and the operator, press 5. . . .”

Sometimes you learn more about people than you would care to from their phone messages. The other day, I returned a call from a woman named Laura and got: “Hi, you’ve reached Laura and Steve’s. Can’t come to the phone now. If you wish to leave a message for Laura, please do so at the tone. As you know, Steve will be away for six months.”

Well, it was news to me! I didn’t know Laura and Steve were living together. I didn’t even know Steve or Laura.

Once it was called “out of wedlock”; now it’s called “in phone message sync.” And how do Laura and Steve’s mommies and daddies feel when they find out the kids are living in sync?

Maybe I’m jumping to conclusions. Maybe they’re just roommates. Sure, let’s go budget. One house. One fridge. One phone message. But just who does Steve think he is walking out on her for six months like that?

Some people go to elaborate lengths to have a jazzy phone message . . . music, French accents, clever scripts. I know of one man whose friends call him periodically just to hear his latest message. Life Styles of the Electronically Needy.

Some people work on their voice--trying to sound sexy. “Hi . . . (pant, pant, pant) . . . You have reached the offices of Ace Chemical Supply . . . (pant, pant, pant). . . .”

When I first got my phone machine, I started to record the message I’d been planning for years: “Hi, this is Alice. At the tone, please leave your name, the date, the time, your weight, your bra size, your most embarrassing moment. . . . “

But then my daughter walked into the room and said, “Oh, no! Mom, please don’t try to be funny.” So now when people get my brief, curt message they always leave me this painful comment: “Hi, why aren’t you funny?”