Rams Will Stay Put for Number of Reasons

Nothing surprises me anymore about the Rams. Their team logo should be question marks, not curled horns. Their team motto should be: “What next?”

This is a team that gave us Dieter Brock and swore he’d be the quarterback of the decade. The Rams were nine seasons short.

This is a team that took defensive end Donald Evans with its first pick of the 1987 draft. This year, he finds himself at fullback.

This is a team that, during last year’s players’ strike, submitted a list to the National Football League of 13 players who allegedly had reported to the Rams in time to be eligible for that week’s game. Only one itsy-bitsy problem: The 13 players knew nothing about the list.

The Rams march to the beat of their own percussion section, all right. While the rest of the league generally pays market value for its draft picks and valued veterans, the Rams have historically pennied and nickeled agents to death. That isn’t altogether bad if, say, you’re the one signing the paychecks. But for the most part, it doesn’t do much for company morale.

And the Rams aren’t afraid to try the unthinkable, which is why Eric Dickerson now picks up his paychecks in Indianapolis. It also might explain this most recent shocker--that the Rams, through a third party, have inquired about the possibility of moving their things back into the Los Angeles Coliseum, should the Raiders become Irwindale rock pit enthusiasts.

Couldn’t be. Nah.

Then again, there’s that mysterious Ram Factor.

Still, I’m skeptical. The Rams have it made in the haze of Anaheim. Good stadium. Nice facilities. The new Jumbotron scoreboard. And you don’t have to worry about Olympic track and field events ruining the turf.

I say they’re staying put. They’re Orange County lifers. And here’s 25 reasons why we’ll never see a Ram change of address form, from Anaheim Stadium to the Coliseum.

1) The Bloods.

2) The Crips.

3) Ram management would never go for that favorite Raider promotion, Motorcycle Gang Night.

4) No suites, but plenty of empty seats.

5) The Coliseum Commission would insist that they change their names to The Los Angeles We’re-Here-To-Stay, Cross-Our-Hearts, Hope-to-Have-Eric-Dickerson-Back-If-We’re-Lying Rams.

6) The Raiders would pull out of the Irwindale deal and move happily to convenient, pleasant Anaheim Stadium, thus fulfilling Al Davis’ grand plan in the first place.

7) Few of the players actually know where Los Angeles is.

8) A public outcry by Orange County BMW and Mercedes dealerships.

9) Pepperdine would want that honorary Doctor of Philanthropy degree back, the one the school presented to Ram owner Georgia Frontiere for her “continued demonstration of the virtues of charity.” I get it: It’s better to give to the Coliseum than to receive from Anaheim.

10) The Rams would have to come up their own Raider-like slogan. How about, “Commitment to Frugality”?

11) That little-known National Football League rule: One team move per decade.

12) The rising cost of barbed-wire fences.

13) Orange County fans would never follow the team to the Coliseum. As a general rule of thumb, many of them don’t cross county lines unless there’s a Republican convention nearby or a really good linen sale.

14) Raider fans, disgusted with the NFL and team betrayals, will vow their considerable allegiance to the Los Angeles Cobras of the Arena Football League.

15) The monogrammed 1989 Anaheim Stadium napkins already have been ordered.

16) USC will draw more fans than the Rams.

17) You need a Mt. Palomar telescope to see the Coliseum field from your seat.

18) The Coliseum is the only stadium where concessionaires sell auto alarms.

19) The Ram intermediary didn’t ask the new Coliseum management team about moving to the Coliseum, after all. Turns out the intermediary needed to know where he could buy a good used Uzi.

20) The Rams would forever be told that the Angels ran them out of town.

21) The Rams don’t think it’s hot enough in Oxnard, either.

22) The financially strapped New England Patriots would beat them to the Coliseum.

23) Someone would have to leave directions for holdout guard Tom Newberry.

24) It’s too close to Dickerson’s Malibu house.

25) Frontiere isn’t that foolish. Is she?

Oops. Forgot. These are the Rams we’re talking about.