Chargers Can Take Solace in Upbeat Evaluation by Mr. Nice Guy

It’s time to take off my Dennis Conner mask and be a nice guy. No cutting and slashing. No poking fun. Pass the sugar and spice and everything nice.

Today’s subject is the Chargers.

The Chargers ?

What nice can be said about the Chargers?

You’re probably thinking that wasn’t really apple juice I was drinking with my breakfast . . . or that maybe my baked brain hasn’t recovered from watching the America’s Cup races without a hat.

I suspect, however, you’re probably missing the point of this exercise. I’m talking about rising to a challenge. Anyone can write nasty stuff about these guys. The trick is to find enough nice things to fill this space without printing the whole thing in type the size of a front-page headline.

So here goes . . .

I like Coach Al Saunders’ neatly starched shirts.

I like Coach Al Saunders’ neatly starched hair.

I like Don Macek. He has been Mr. Steady in the middle of the offensive line for 13 years, but he can still walk into almost any restaurant in the city and be mistaken for a bouncer. Why? He plays center, which happens to be the most anonymous position on the team. Of course, being anonymous isn’t all that bad these days.

I like Charlie Joiner. OK, so everyone likes Charlie Joiner. I’m lucky. I have a place to say it.

I like the fact that Dan Fouts’ number is going to be retired. Unfortunately, numbers such as 38, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 50, 54 and 55 disappeared with Fouts. No, those aren’t retiring uniform numbers. Those are numbers the Chargers put on the scoreboard when Fouts was quarterback, a number of them a number of times.

I like Ron Lynn’s defensive schemes. Who would have thought there would come a day when the best time to go to the concession stand or refrigerator was when the offense has the ball?

I like Gary Anderson’s film clip. You know the one, Anderson taking off at about the 5-yard-line and somersaulting over a Miami defender into the end zone. That was in the first game of the 1986 season. I’m not sure, but I think Anderson is still with the team.

I like Ralf Mojsiejenko’s punting. A punter being the best player on a football team is a little bit like the potato being the best part of a meal, but this guy’s the only returning Charger who played in last year’s Pro Bowl. Let’s hear it for fourth down.

I like the fact that Steve Ortmayer, the director of football operations, learned from the Jim Lachey Debacle. There will be no more willy-nilly trading of malcontents who express a desire to take their pouts elsewhere. And so Chip (On-the-Shoulder) Banks can stay on his unpaid vacation until his traveler’s checks run out and he feels like maybe playing football again.

I like the young receivers. I really like the young receivers. Jamie Holland, Anthony Miller and Quinn Early would be terrifying secondaries if quarterbacks Babe Laufenberg and Mark Malone had sufficient time to be more than just sacrificial offerings to defensive linemen.

I like Sid Brooks. This distinguished gentleman is even more anonymous than a center. He is the equipment manager. And don’t blame him if you don’t like the fact that someone upstairs with nothing better to do is constantly tinkering with the uniform design. Personally, I equate changing uniform design with organizational instability. For example, how often have teams such as the Redskins, 49ers, Bears, Broncos and Giants changed the color of their pants or the shade of their jerseys? But don’t blame the piping on the pants on Sid. Grass stain, maybe, but not the piping.

I like Little Train James, the Amtyke of a running back. I like anyone who is too little to do what he is doing, but does it anyway . . . and does it well.

I like Darren Flutie, the wide receiver who came to camp a 25-1 shot and made it because he has the heart of a Little Train James. I also like anyone who is too slow to do what he is doing, but does it anyway . . . and does it well. He reminds me of Steve Largent, and I’ve always liked Steve Largent.

I like the fact that ticket prices have been raised. It makes going to the game a much more serene experience. There’s more room to move around, shorter lines at the concession stands and less traffic. Why not just double the prices and play the games at Serra High School?

I like Lee Williams. Unless I am forgetting someone, this guy is the Chargers’ best pass rusher since Fred Dean was shuffled off to San Francisco during The Klein Era. Williams’ motto: “Attack, seek out and destroy.” I think I would like his motto better if he had learned it in Latin.

I am sure that there is more to like about the Chargers, more nice things that could be said. But I think it would be prudent to stop now.

I don’t want to be the guy who causes a winless football team to be overconfident and complacent.