A Lost Art : It Seems Repondez S’il Vous Plait Has Gone the Way of White Gloves

The party is set. The invitations are out. All that’s left is waiting for the RSVPs to come in.

So you wait.

And wait.

And no one calls.

It’s become a fact of life in this car phone-fax generation that answering an invitation is a lost art. Ask any host, party planner or etiquette expert what the rate of return is and he or she will say poor. Very poor. Many already have bid RIP to the RSVP.

“I would say it’s the No. 1 complaint I get from people,” says consultant Judi Kaufman, who is based in Beverly Hills and teaches business etiquette seminars nationwide. “From discussions I’ve had with people from all over, I think that California especially, and the L.A. area, is most seriously negligent in that area.”

Informal Kind of Style

Why do so many fail to respond to repondez, s’il vous plait ?

“I think there’s a feeling here that etiquette is not important, that we have a free, informal kind of style,” Kaufman offers. “But finally, I’m hearing from people who used to laugh that I was doing etiquette training, saying that they give parties and half the people who said they would show up actually did.”

Keith Keischnick, a prominent social figure and former executive president of the Music Center Blue Ribbon, observes: “I think people in Los Angeles are very busy, and sometimes they’ll postpone responding to an invitation until they’re certain of their plans. I think sometimes there are conflicts they’re trying to resolve, if there are two big events on one night. We all get so much junk mail. And some people are really careless. If you’ve never been involved in planning an event, you might not realize that you need to know if someone is or isn’t coming.”

But says Charlotte Ford, an author and etiquette columnist: “I think it’s just outrageous. Everybody’s busy, no matter what age, and . . . it takes two seconds to RSVP. It’s so simple, with enclosed response cards, but people don’t seem to respect even that. I think it’s just bad manners.”

Not getting responses to an invitation can be disastrous for hosts, who must plan details such as catering, seating and other often expensive party arrangements. Often it means calling invitees to find out whether they are attending--a daunting prospect with a large guest list. Every party giver can tell tales of guests failing to RSVP, then showing up at the door with one guest--or several--and expecting the host to accommodate them.

A return to manners was heralded several years ago, as etiquette columns sprang up faster than people could set out finger bowls. But either interest in social graces has waned, or people no longer think the old rules apply.

Keischnick reports that she gets “a very good response” to invitations for private parties she and husband Bill give.

“As far as fund-raisers,” she adds, “it’s really tough. I just co-chaired WinterFest (an annual fund-raiser for the Music Center’s education division), and you get down to two days before the event and you haven’t heard from people, so you have to get on the phone and start calling. You have to give the caterer some idea of how many people will attend.

“We’re all guilty of not replying at one time or another,” she says, adding that she and her husband each month receive about 20 invitations to private and charitable functions. “But I happened to grow up in an era when my mother taught me that it was really essential to RSVP. It was ingrained in me, and I taught my kids that. But I sometimes think that maybe that’s not being stressed as much.”

Kaufman finds a recent renewed interest in parents sending their children to etiquette classes. But often those same parents fail to follow the rules.

“Things are so speeded up, you almost don’t know what the rules are even if you had the time to follow them,” she says. “Etiquette really evolves: Thirty years ago there were hard-and-fast rules; now we have to almost make them up as we go along.”

Etiquette rules for car phones (Kaufman suggests not making outgoing calls with a passenger in the car, and keeping incoming calls short) and fax machines (don’t always expect an instantaneous reply to a faxed message) are definitely new rules for the late ‘80s.

But some traditions still apply, like the thank-you note and the RSVP.

Waiting for Listeners

Paul Cooper, senior vice president and general manager of Atlantic Records on the West Coast, planned a recent listening party at Ed Debevic’s restaurant in honor of label artist Debbie Gibson’s new album.

He sent out 500 invitations and received 400 replies--not a bad percentage. But that still left 100 guests not accounted for.

“There are certain people we’d like to have, people in the radio and movie industries,” Cooper says. “Unfortunately, you can’t always trust the mail, so normally I make it a policy to zero in on these people with a phone call. But some people get the invitation and forget to RSVP, and then just show up, or show up with five people, and we have to say we can’t accommodate them. So our best protection is picking up the phone. It’s better to be protected than have a problem with the fire marshal over overcrowding.”

Cooper is familiar with the I’m-too-important-to-RSVP attitude: “They think it’s because of who they are, that they can just show up. If someone calls ahead and asks to bring an extra guest, then I’m always accommodating, unless it’s a very small venue.”

Fanatically Correct

He credits his good manners to his former employers, the late philanthropist David E. Bright and his wife, Dolly. “I fortunately was taught protocol by them,” he explains, adding that he “carried that over to Atlantic.”

Cooper prides himself on RSVPing to every invitation he receives, whether it’s for a private party or an unsolicited invitation to a fund-raising event.

Charity fund-raisers have their own rules when it comes to RSVPs, experts say. Few planners expect a quick response from a majority of the invitees since the invitation is also a solicitation for money.

Kaufman contends that an unsolicited invitation to a charity event that’s part of a blanket mailing (a printed label is a dead giveaway) doesn’t require an RSVP. “That’s very different from receiving a hand-written note.”

Invitational Nuances

Ford concurs. “If it’s a typed letter with a stamped signature, I don’t answer it,” she says. “I get three or four of those a day. If there’s a note from someone I know (on a planning committee), then I make a small contribution and write a letter back, explaining if I can’t attend. And if I’m on a committee that’s planning an event, then I’ll write a note to someone.”

Personal notes are used by most fund-raisers as a way to ensure a better response from guests.

Cooper uses Mailgrams for company-hosted parties.

“You tend to get a better response,” he explains. “Normally it’s the first thing people open. We started using them as soon as the Post Office came out with them.”

Cathy Unger doesn’t even wait for guests to RSVP to events she plans. A partner at Unger/Thomas, a public relations firm for political and nonprofit organizations, Unger is involved in planning numerous parties, from intimate cocktail receptions to hotel ballroom bashes.

“You almost don’t expect people to RSVP because you’re asking them for money,” she says. “Generally, people don’t respond unless they are called first and solicited. . . . Frankly, the only trick I know for things like this is just phone, phone, phone. Even once they’ve RSVP’d and sent in their money, I always follow up a few days before to make sure they’re going to use their tickets. The worst thing in the world is an empty table.”