Getting the Most Out of a Good Family Fight
“You slob!
“You left your socks on the floor again! What do you think I am, your personal maid? Your mother was a total failure when it came to raising you!”
(Family Life this week is eavesdropping on the Joneses, a hypothetical, but not necessarily typical, Orange County family. They are showing us the wrong way to have a family fight. Now, let’s get back to the action. Mary Jones is continuing her assault on her husband, John.)
“Of course, I found out long ago just how irresponsible and unreliable you are. Remember that Saturday night 12 years ago when you just had to go out with the boys, no matter how much it hurt me? We had only been married a month, but you didn’t care. You don’t care about anything, do you?”
(At first, John refuses to be dragged in. He struggles to keep his attention focused on the television. But the pressure builds, and by the next commercial, he’s ready to launch his counterattack, interrupting Mary in mid-sentence.)
“You’re calling me a slob? Look in the mirror, tubby! Or have you looked in your car lately? It’s like a rolling trash can! And it wouldn’t even be rolling if it weren’t for me. You don’t even know how to check your oil, let alone change it! I have to be responsible for everything in this family!”
(Uh-oh. Nine-year-old Billy has just entered the room to ask a question.)
“Can I ride my bike down to the park?” he asks.
“Sure,” says his father, who has turned his attention back to the TV.
“Wait a minute,” Mary says. “Is your room clean?” Billy looks down at his shoes and shakes his head.
“Then you can’t go until it is.”
“But Dad said . . . “
“Dad doesn’t know what he’s talking about. He hasn’t even picked up his socks. I can see where you get your sloppy tendencies.”
“You want ‘em picked up?” John shouts. “No problem. Catch! You want my shoes too?” he asks, hurling a sneaker in Mary’s direction. Then he walks out of the room, slamming the door behind him.
Joining us now are our commentators, psychologists Marvin Rofsky of Orange, Rosalyn Laudati of Brea, Charles Browning of Los Alamitos and Don Steckdaub of Anaheim Hills. In their work with couples and families, they’ve seen more fights than Howard Cosell. Our fictional family fight was based on their observations.
First of all, let’s put this in perspective. Fighting is an essential part of family interaction, isn’t it?
Absolutely, Rofsky says. “People who don’t fight probably don’t communicate. If a couple comes in and tells me how wonderful things are between them because they never fight, I’m very suspicious that there is real avoidance between them.”
Laudati agrees. The problem, she says, is that too many of us don’t know how to fight. “The people I see are usually really terrible at it,” she says. “That’s one of the things I have to teach people right off the bat.”
In many cases, Steckdaub says, fighting skills are lacking because “more often than not, at least one member has been raised in a dysfunctional family and never learned the skills of intimacy, of healthy give and take. Their parents did the best job they could, but too often it was not a very good job. They learned so much garbage that was just untrue and inappropriate.” Steckdaub, by the way, prefers the term “disagreement” when referring to a healthy fight.
“It’s possible to bring something worthwhile and meaningful out of fights,” Browning says. “Look at the example of the oyster. It can take a small irritant such as a grain of sand and turn it into something beautiful and valuable--a pearl.”
Let’s roll the instant replay now and see what the Joneses could have done to make their fight constructive instead of destructive. Mary made the first mistake in the way she initiated the fight. “You need to get control of negative, angry thoughts and make up your mind that you are not going to attack, raise your voice, whine, complain or label the other person,” Browning says.
But didn’t John start the fight by leaving his socks on the floor in the first place? No, because there is nothing inherently wrong with doing that. The socks didn’t bother him. But they did bother Mary.
Name-calling--”You slob!”--is definitely against the rules, all our experts agree. And Mary’s complaint would have come across more effectively if she had begun her sentences not with the word “you” but with “I.” That way, “you’re talking about your feelings, not making accusations,” Rofsky says.
“Never blame or use the word ‘you,’ ” Browning says. “The words ‘you,’ ‘always’ and ‘never’ are poison. Cut them out of your vocabulary. Instead of pointing the finger at the other person, point it at yourself and talk about what you want and need.”
Rofsky would have Mary saying something like this: “I’m upset that I’m left with the responsibility for picking up your socks.” (You’re right, it doesn’t sound nearly as interesting that way. But we’re not writing a sitcom here.)
The remark about the maid may have been cute, but it was pointless, and our experts say it’s imperative not to stray from the facts at hand. But if Mary had to say it, she should have said, “Sometimes I feel like your personal maid.”
Mary also shouldn’t have dragged John’s mother into it, the psychologists say. Nor should she have brought up something that happened 12 years earlier.
“Don’t bring up old garbage,” Laudati says. “Stick to the topic at hand.”
“Nearly all dysfunctional families are totally preoccupied with what happened in the past,” Steckdaub says. “Today (has) plenty of issues to be dealt with.”
Instead, focus on the future, Browning suggests. “Instead of talking about all the other person did wrong yesterday, talk about how good it will be when you both can do it better tomorrow.”
John’s initial reaction--stonewalling--is a common one for men, Browning says. “Some fights turn into World War III because one person, usually the man, refuses to talk and withdraws into silence. This leaves the partner frustrated.”
Instead, John should have acknowledged Mary’s feelings, at least to the point of saying, “Listen, I know you really need to talk, but right now I’m tired. Let’s talk tonight after dinner at 8.”
Fighting by appointment can be a good idea, Rofsky says. “Both parties get to review what they want to say, and that helps them deal with the specific issue rather than the personalities.”
John interrupted Mary’s tirade, and Laudati says that’s a big mistake. “Never interrupt. Learn to keep your mouth shut until the other person is finished.”
Browning puts it another way. “God gave you one mouth and two ears. Use them in that proportion.”
John became defensive, another no-no, and he called his wife “tubby,” referring to the fact that she is hardly a candidate for the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. That’s a foul, Laudati says. “If you know somebody is sensitive about something, never, ever bring it up in a fight.”
His remarks about the car had nothing to do with socks, but “I” statements would have helped if he wanted to bring them up another time.
Mary made another mistake when Billy became involved, Rofsky says. Although he sees no harm in arguing in front of the children, he says that “the only thing you don’t fight in front of the kids about is the kids.” Even if she disagreed with her husband’s decision, Mary should have stuck by it.
But Laudati disagrees strongly. “When parents fight in front of their children, it gives them a feeling of insecurity and fears of the family breaking up. Children should see the parents disagree in a healthy way, but if it starts escalating, you should excuse yourselves and go to another room.”
John also goofed when he started throwing things. That can be a precursor to physical violence, our experts say, and is therefore definitely off limits. So is threatening physical violence, Steckdaub says.
Finally, John and Mary need to make up. To do that right, they need to be willing to let the other person have the last word. Laudati says, “You can say, ‘I don’t agree with you, but you have the last word.’ ”
And it doesn’t matter who wins. “Marriage has to be more about cooperation than competition,” Laudati says.