Taking Off on NBC’s Tartikoff

“My name is Queeg.”

--”The Caine Mutiny”

The following is a dramatic re-creation of the fictional court-martial of Brandon Tartikoff, president of NBC Entertainment. The charge is that Tartikoff, in the exercise of his duties as commander of NBC’s ship, willfully and without justifiable cause has lowered the prime-time standards of his No. 1 network while in a state of war with ABC and CBS. Buffeted by a typhoon of criticism, should he be relieved of command?

Commander Tartikoff is called to the stand.

The court: Commander Tartikoff, your critics have charged you with pandering. They say you have endangered NBC’s reputation for quality by airing such programs as Geraldo Rivera’s raunchy special on satanism; a vacuous movie starring Vanna White as a sex goddess; the disgusting miniseries “Favorite Son”; the tawdry movie “Full Exposure: The Sex Tapes Scandal”; last Sunday’s inane movie “Swimsuit”; and “Nightingales,” the bimbo nurse series.

Tartikoff: Yes, well, I thought that would come up. You’ll hear plenty of strange distortions about me from my critics. They’re the real culprits here. But the charges aren’t true, I guarantee you that. My version is the exact truth.

The court: Your version, commander?

Tartikoff: Yes. Now you take “Favorite Son.” Perfectly fine program about Washington politics, and realistic too. Of course, my critics charged that I approved gratuitously kinky sex for that program. I knew they would gang up on me like that. But I had them there, because I proved, geometrically and beyond a shadow of a doubt, that bondage is an integral part of social life in the Senate. Yes, and another thing: I could have cut costs, but I didn’t. We used the finest quality wrist restraints and garter belts--nothing was too good.

The court: Wouldn’t you agree, though, that “The Sex Tapes” was pretty lowbrow? Was it really necessary for the assistant D.A. to always wear a miniskirt at work and later go undercover as a hooker?

Tartikoff: I don’t know what lies have been told about that matter, but I’ll be glad to set the record straight. I had nothing to do with that. Nothing! Although I do think that if you check around you’ll find lots of prosecutors are also undercover hookers. That is, if they have good legs. Not that all prosecutors have good legs. Or hookers, either, for that matter. I tried to tell my subordinates that. But they were always undermining my authority, always arguing, always trying to stab me in the back.

The court: But as commander, you bear responsibility for everything on the network, don’t you agree?

Tartikoff: Well, events were happening so fast. I may have been distracted by something else, but I want to emphasize that I’m facing the biggest conglomeration of lies and distortions and half-truths I’ve ever seen, and I’m glad you asked me because I want to get my side of it all on the record. Oh, sure, it’s easy to criticize now. But my critics weren’t there like I was, having to make prompt decisions in the line of fire. And I want to emphasize that I made the right decisions.

The court: Commander, have you ever heard the expression “Old Networkstain”?

Tartikoff (plunging his hand into his pocket and bringing out two glistening steel balls): I have not.

The court: You aren’t aware then that you are habitually referred to as “Old Networkstain”?

Tartikoff (rolling the steel balls in his hand): That’s an insulting question, and the answer is no.

The court: Isn’t it true that you are called “Old Networkstain” because ABC and CBS are now ahead of NBC in producing quality programs?

Tartikoff (still rolling the steel balls in his hand): That is a lie. I have not made a single distasteful program, and what does the competition have, anyway? All right, I’ll give ABC “Roseanne,” although I would have used Loni Anderson instead of Roseanne Barr. And that CBS miniseries “Lonesome Dove” was quality, I’ll admit, although it needed spicing up. I’d have called it “Lonesome Love.” It would worked too. I could prove to the court geometrically that “Lonesome Love” would have had bigger ratings than “Lonesome Dove.” But I’d be criticized for that, too, because I’m one man up against everyone else and I’ve been betrayed and double-crossed. It’s simply not true that I don’t appreciate and strive for quality. Now, you take that CBS show “48 Hours” that the critics like. Not a bad show, but no numbers. Now you rework it a little and rename it “48 Hours of Pleasure and Pain” and you’ve got something.

The court: It’s one thing to fault the competition. But do you have any original ideas of your own?

Tartikoff (now heavily perspiring and rolling the steel balls furiously): Well, now, I’m glad you asked that, because starting right here with this movie business, I’ve written a quality script of my own: “Anastasia Was a Stripper.” And it’ll get good numbers, too, I’ll promise you that. And what about “Jimmy Swaggart’s Sex Diaries?” And “Transvestite in the White House.” And “Bath House Bingo.” And “Read My Hips” and “38-24-thirtysomething” and “Whore and Remembrance”? I could go on and on, and I could prove to you geometrically that those would work, except that I’m always attacked, and it’s simply not true, as my critics have charged, that I’ve asked Jane Pauley to go undercover as a hooker, although she has the legs for it.

The court: I didn’t mean to agitate you.

Tartikoff (still rolling the balls): I’m not in the least agitated, and I’m glad to answer all questions. My record has been spotless and I don’t want it smeared by critics who . . . uh. . . . Well, naturally, I can only cover these things roughly from memory, but if I’ve left anything out, why, you just ask me specific questions. I’ll tackle them one by one. Did I mention “Kate & Allie Fall in Love”?

The court: No further questions.