Having a Field Day With a Few of Those Who Play the Field

Steve Garvey, John Tower, Wade Boggs and Gary Hart were just sitting around, engaging in boy talk.

Garvey: Well, this is another fine mess we’ve gotten ourselves into.

Tower: Gimme a break, Garvey. You probably helped your image.

Hart: Steve Stud.

Boggs: Yeah. You didn’t cheat on your wife. You just, uh, got around.

Hart: Oh, Boggs, you don’t know what it’s like to damage a political career. Or even a potential political career, like in Steve’s case.

Boggs: How do you know? I might have run for office some day.

Garvey: You can barely run to first base.

Tower: Are you kidding? Boggs got to first base more often than even I did.

Garvey: So, you guys think my political ambitions are in trouble.

Hart: Steven, my boy, politicians are supposed to kiss babies, not make them.

Tower: Yeah. Man alive, Garvey, what sort of hormone shots are you taking these days? You’re more fertile than the Tennessee Valley.

Boggs: Say, which do you guys think is worse--palimony suits or paternity suits?

Hart: Swimsuits. Never take a babe to Bimini in a swimsuit. Cause you got nothin’ but trouble.

Tower: A couple of beers, a couple of babes, and the next thing you know, they say you can’t command a Trident missile submarine.

Garvey: Secretary of Defense, huh? Gee, that’s a tough one to lose.

Hart: You want a tough one to lose? I’ll give you a tough one to lose.

Tower: Imagine that Sam Nunn, calling me incapable of setting “moral standards for the men and women in uniform.”

Boggs: Big deal. Walk a mile in my uniform some time. My teammates are so ticked off at me, I have to hire a guy to taste my tobacco before I chew it.

Tower: “Sexual excesses.” Bah.

Garvey: All I did was date.

Boggs: Mister Love ‘Em and Leave ‘Em.

Hart: Look who’s talking. Mister Love ‘Em and Stay With ‘Em.

Boggs: Oh, yeah? Least I restricted it to the mainland, Skipper.

Hart: Yo, Boggsy, I hear you watched a Geraldo program about Elvis’ evil twin and now you think you’re Elvis’ evil twin.

Tower: Hey, have any of you boys ever been with a babe in a nuclear submarine?

Boggs: You could really do some cruising in one of those, eh, Gary? Make it to Bimini in about 15 minutes.

Hart: Beats the back of the team bus, I suppose.

Garvey: All I did was date.

Boggs: Steve, Steve, Steve. Face it, big fella. You went to bat without a helmet.

Tower: Gotta be careful, Steve. The Democrats catch you even standing around the water cooler with a woman, they think you’re a sex maniac.

Hart: Well, we’re just trying to be more conservative in this kinder, gentler nation, Senator.

Tower: It’s unfair. John Kennedy sneaks Marilyn Monroe up the White House dumbwaiter and it’s OK, but the FBI tosses a couple of anonymous eyewitnesses at me and it’s adios, cabinet post.

Hart: Sen. Tower, I used to consider myself the next John Kennedy, and let me assure you, you are no John Kennedy.

Boggs: Correct me if I’m wrong here, but I thought politicians were supposed to be respectable and responsible, and athletes were just supposed to be real men’s men.

Tower: Ladies’ men, you mean.

Garvey: All I did was date.

Boggs: I know I made a mistake . . .

Hart: Error-5.

Boggs: . . . but I was just a jock. You guys want to control the fate of the free world. I just want to take two-strike pitches to left field.

Tower: OK, but what about Steverino here? He was a jock, but he might like to be Sen. Steve some day, or Gov. Garv.

Hart: Do you?

Garvey: I don’t know. You think this baby thing could hurt me?

Tower: Nah. America loves a family man. And you’re just loaded with family.

Boggs: I’m just glad you-know-who didn’t have a baby. She’d want my house and my paycheck.

Hart: Women. Can’t win with ‘em. Can’t win without ‘em.

Tower: I propose a toast. To Steve Garvey--a real padre.

Boggs: Let’s sing a song.

Hart: A song?

Boggs: Yeah. Ready? “To all the girls I’ve loved before . . . “ Come on.

Everybody: “Who traveled in and out my door . . . “

Tower: Bah. I can’t do this. Those damn Democrats. Why don’t they just help Al Gore’s wife clean up those rock-and-roll lyrics and leave me alone?

Boggs: “I dedicate this song . . .”

Garvey: Enough, Wade.

Hart: Say, did you guys see that swimsuit issue? Wasn’t that Kathy Ireland something?

Tower: I been watching Ollie North’s thing going on. I wish they’d get that secretary on the stand again. Wooo!

Garvey: Did you know I’m supposed to be co-hosting a syndicated talk show with her?

Boggs: Fawn Hall? No kidding?

Hart: Bet you’d like to take her on the Detroit-Chicago-Cleveland road trip, eh, Boggsy?

Tower: Beats sitting next to Regis Philbin all day, don’t it, Garv?

Garvey: The way things are going, I’m getting afraid to even sit next to a woman.

Jimmy Swaggart: Howdy, fellas, what you all talking about?

Everybody: Oh, nothing.