Send a Favorite Automotive Meddler a Message
The other day I was headed south on the Santa Ana Freeway when I received some startling information: I don’t know how to drive.
Quite a surprise, considering that I’ve had a valid license for going on 2 decades. And I do write about the subject regularly. Haven’t had a ticket since 1977; never had an accident that was my fault. So you might assume I could operate a motor vehicle unassisted.
Not so. And--silly me!--I didn’t even notice the problem. Fortunately, however, there was someone on hand to point out my mistakes and shortcomings.
“Why are you changing lanes again?” my favorite passenger hollered. (He prefers to remain anonymous, perhaps out of concern that too many other errant drivers will seek his advice.)
“You’re going too fast! And don’t get so close to the car in front of you!”
“Maybe you should drive,” I suggested, suddenly concerned not merely for our safety but for everyone else’s on the road.
I’ll admit my friend is a better driver, just as he concedes I’m a better passenger. He drives slower, without jostling from lane to lane. And I gaze out the window and keep my mouth shut. So why not switch places?
“Oh, no, I’d rather just relax and watch the . . . brake lights! Slow down!” he shouted, pointing through the windshield. As my foot gently tapped the brake pedal, he mashed his corresponding foot into an imaginary pedal on the floor.
I realized that clinging to my dashboard was a master practitioner of back-seat driving.
Back-seat drivers are not numerous in Orange County for the simple reason that passengers of any description are rare. Our roads may be crowded, but our vehicles aren’t: Barely 1% of us car-pool, according to 1988 statistics. We do double up on occasion, of course, but not nearly often enough to keep our meddling skills honed.
Life on Wheels may not be able to do anything about the back-seat driver shortage, but maybe we can give some of these constructive critics the recognition they deserve.
So we’ve embarked on a search for the best or worst back-seat drivers in the county. The winner will receive the first (and possibly last) annual Life on Wheels Back-Seat Driver Award: a genuine plastic toy steering wheel.
Talented as he may be, my friend is not eligible for the competition. To be considered, a candidate must either come forward voluntarily or be nominated by a reader.
Bee Miller of Buena Park was the first to confess. Sort of. “I’m not a back-seat driver, except when it comes to tailgating,” she said. “That scares me. At the speeds we travel, you’re like a piece of a sandwich. If you get hit, you won’t have any choice but to hit the car in front of you.”
Miller sent her entry on a postcard she had been given years ago. It’s a “Back-Seat Driver’s License,” issued by the “State of Nervousness, Bureau of Nuisances.”
“This is to certify that the person herein named has passed all tests for nervousness and has been licensed to irritate, annoy, criticize and otherwise disturb the operator of the car,” the card states.
“Driver must carry this license on person. Otherwise must keep quiet while vehicle is in motion.”
Miller, 74, who got her first driver’s license at age 11 in Arizona, said she has been on the receiving end as well.
“I know all about back-seat driving,” she said. “I’ve had it done to me. The best thing to do is have someone with you who doesn’t know how to drive. I had my mother in the car with me once when I was driving through the mountains, and that was perfect, because she didn’t know how (dangerous) it was and she didn’t say one word.”
Deborah Uri of Irvine wrote to nominate her mother, Marcia Uri: “Let’s talk about back-seat drivers!! My mother takes the cake. She is known by all for her constant shrieks, screams, protests, demands and ‘freak out’ scenes.
“I don’t hear it as much as my father and brother do when they’re behind the wheel. She hits them and cries! My brother has stopped off at the side of the road to get out of the driver’s seat, even! Every year on our drive up to Oregon, my father insists he will never drive with her again. . . .
“It doesn’t stop with the family, though, it moves on to friends and even cab drivers! In Italy and Israel she refuses to (ride) in cabs. She’ll even say a thing or two on a bus tour. She’s not queen of flying, either. It’s lucky for the pilot that he sits behind locked doors so far up. Maybe that’s why we always sit in the back of the plane.
“But it’s so ironic. She’s no better a driver than any of us and has more speeding tickets too! I guess it’s just inherent, ‘cause my grandmother is just as bad!”
We’ll feature other nominees in upcoming columns. Meanwhile, write and tell us about your favorite back-seat driver.
Watch Out! Slow Down! Turn Left!
So many of us travel solo in Orange County that back-seat driving is becoming a lost art. But we would like to preserve it by searching for the county’s best--and worst--back-seat drivers. Tell us about your favorite candidate for either category.
Trucks vs. Cars
Can cars and trucks peacefully coexist on the same roads? Whether you drive a compact car or a big rig, tell us how you feel about the other vehicles that share the freeways with you.
Runnin’ on Empty
Do you wait to fill your tank until there’s nothing left but the fumes? Or do you prefer keeping the gauge on “Full” at all times? Have you ever run out of gas? Tell us all about your gas-buying habits. Full- or self-serve? Brand name or discount? Besides lower prices, what would you like to find at your local gas station?
Send your comments to Life on Wheels, Orange County Life, The Times, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, Calif. 92626. Please include your phone number so that we can contact you. To protect your privacy, Life on Wheels does not publish correspondents’ last names when the subject is sensitive.
