How Parents Can Respond to Fears : Talk to Children About Their Concerns, Experts Advise

Children hear about others their age who have been attacked and killed in schools in California and Illinois. They may have heard of the death threats made against other schoolchildren, which happened recently in Brooklyn. They may have heard about the 13-year-old boy who was gunned down on his way to school in Hartford. And they wonder, “Can it happen to me? How safe am I?”

Parents confronted with such questions may want to avoid the issue altogether. But a “don’t worry about it” response is exactly what the child does not need. He or she needs to express those fears.

“You want to find out what their fantasies and fears are; only by doing that can you give them any kind of reassurance,” says Dr. Edward Futterman, a child psychiatrist and clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Yale Child Study Center.

“Once you’re able to identify what a kid is feeling, it gives them permission to talk about it,” he says.

Fear Is Aroused

Parents can assume that if a child learns of a disaster, accident or violent incident--especially one involving children--some fear is being aroused that may need to be discussed.

When adults hear about a Pan Am flight being blown out of the sky over Scotland, it’s going to cross their minds the next time they fly, says Dr. E. Gerald Dabbs, a child psychiatrist and associate professor of psychiatry at Cornell University Medical College in Ithaca, N.Y.

“While it’s far away and unrelated, it’s difficult to not personalize it, and certainly children are quick to do that, sometimes even more so than adults.”

Dabbs says he would be concerned about a child who would say that he or she is not frightened even when the child was involved in an event such as the threat against the Brooklyn schoolchildren. A child who expresses such a sentiment is implying that adults have given him or her the message that it is an unacceptable topic of discussion, Dabbs says.

Parents need to be frank about any discomfort they have talking about such incidents, he says, but they must remain open to talking about them if they are to help their children.

‘Elicit Anxieties’

Give the child an invitation to talk about frightening matters, but do so in a gentle, neutral way. “You want to elicit anxieties from children rather than putting things in,” Futterman says. “To raise the subject is OK; to hammer it is not.”

“What’s really important is not so much to talk about the event that took place as to begin to talk about what feelings they’re having,” says Dolores Guarini, director of social work services in the child and adolescent division at the Institute of Living in Hartford.

Parents may be surprised to learn how their children perceive an unfortunate events, be they violent or accidental injuries or death. For example, says Dr. Lisa McCann, a clinical psychologist, a child may think that children who are victims of violence may have done something bad. The role for the parent is to clear up any misconceptions, to give a realistic picture of the situation, and also to describe the ways in which adults try to make sure children are safe.

“I would be very careful about not making false promises,” Guarini says. “It’s very important to establish trust.”

A child has reason to question a parent who says, “It won’t ever happen to you,” Dabbs says.