Humor Lumbers On in Groves of Academe
Tell me where is humor bred? Obviously not in university English departments, as shown by the latest ha-ha brouhaha at the UC Davis campus.
The documents you are about to read are true. Only the names have been eliminated to protect the malevolent. Also, even if subpoenaed I will never reveal the name of the struggling-yet-snickering student who leaked these documents to this columnist.
Now, anyone who went to college knows that the very small world of academic departments yields many a tempest in a teapot. But these documents make you wonder what kind of tea they’re drinking.
It all began with a flyer announcing a “Scholars Symposium” sponsored by the Department of English Graduate Students Assn. The subject was “Critical Cross-Dressing: Do We Need to Be the ‘Other’ to Write About the ‘Other’?” It was, the flyer continued, a “ROUNDTABLE--Audience participation welcomed,” although, as we will learn, the participants soon wore out their welcome.
The subject of the ROUNDTABLE--whether “straights” can write about “gays” or men can write about women--may be worth addressing. But anyone who can use the phrase “critical cross-dressing” with a straight face ought to stay in the closet a while and think about it.
This obviously was the point of view of a budding satirist who sent a copycat flyer to department members the next day. This one announced:
“Several Symposia will be held as offshoots of yesterday’s event:
“Do We Need to Be Another to Write About Another?
“Do We Need to Be a Mother to Write About a Mother?
“Do We Need to Be a Brother to Write About a Brother?
“M(Other): To Be
“Critical Cross-Dressing: A Fashion Show and an Evaluation.
“Bring your significant Other.”
My, my. In the wake of this heartless document, tempers flew. One gay professor, certain that a particular straight graduate student had committed the offense, told the accused, “I’m going to academically crucify you.” A woman who attended the symposium claimed that the fashion show reference was a direct attack on her earrings, and she demanded justice. Eventually, the “Acting Chair” of the department issued a statement disclaiming the second flyer. The Chair said:
“This notice was not from the Graduate Student Assn. and was apparently intended as a hoax and a parody of Wednesday’s colloquium on ‘Cross-Dressing and the Other.’ This notice may easily be interpreted as anti-feminist and homophobic, and has been.
“As Acting Chair, I apologize to you for this asinine anonymous notice’s having been illegally distributed in our mailboxes. I should greatly appreciate receiving any information that would help us to discover the perpetrator so that we can consider disciplinary action. This kind of incident is not only unprofessional, but it demonstrates an appalling lack of sensitivity. Such actions do irreparable harm to our department and to our efforts to increase faculty and graduate student diversity and to improve our collegiality.”
Just when it appeared that there was a square Chair at the round table, a copycat memo was distributed to the faculty and graduate students. It claimed to be from the “Real Acting Chair.”
Will the real Real Acting Chair please stand up?
This Chair declared: “Last week a memo purporting to be from me and claiming that the recently announced English Symposia were apparently intended as a hoax was placed in (your) mailboxes.
“This memo was not from me and is itself apparently a hoax. The memo could easily be interpreted as being anti-humor and borderline fascist, and has been.
“As the Real Acting Chair I apologize to you for this heinous crime’s having been perpetrated on all of us. If you know who did this, I should be greatly appreciative for the chance to inflict grievous bodily harm on the scoundrel. This kind of behavior is unprofessional, demonstrates an appalling lack of obeisance, and hurts my feelings. Such actions do irreparable harm to keeping everybody in line around here. Let’s all shape up!”
Well. After a few days of further chest-beating, hair-pulling and career-crucifying, a graduate student--an avowed lesbian-feminist-humorist--confessed to writing the symposium parody. She was duly chastised.
But the perpetrator of the fake chairman’s memo, the pseudo Real Acting Chair, is still at large. He remains at the top of the list of America’s Most Wanted Academics.
Jonathan Swift lives!
