THE SNIVELER’S YELLOW PAGES : Your World’s Gone on the Blink and You Want Satisfaction? Here’s Where to Start

Your 1989 Alfa Romeo dropped its drive shaft on the Ventura Freeway.

Someone palmed you a counterfeit $20 bill.

Your therapist asked you for a date.

Who can you call to get some satisfaction?

What follows is a list--a sniveler’s guide if you will--of public and private agencies to call with your complaints, telephone lines staffed by personnel who actually get paid to hear you bellyache.

But before you dial, a few suggestions:

It might be appropriate to contact a sales clerk or business owner or car dealer, for example, before you complain to a state agency. Believe it or not, some complaints can be settled at the ground level. It sometimes pays to write a letter to a top executive of an offending corporation, someone who might actually listen to your grievance and take action. Keep all product warranties and guarantees in one place and take photographs of any damage to property or possessions.

The following agencies, with a few exceptions, are open Monday through Friday from 9 a.m. to 4 p.m.:

* The state Board of Medical Quality Assurance will investigate complaints concerning fraudulent billing, sexual misconduct, use of drugs and misrepresentation of qualifications among psychologists, physicians, surgeons, speech pathologists, podiatrists, physical therapists and opticians. 20631 Ventura Blvd., Suite 201, Woodland Hills 91364. (818) 713-0124.

* Somehow, you expected your convertible to run more smoothly after that $79.95 tuneup. The state Bureau of Automotive Repair accepts complaints about smog check centers and shops that may have violated state automobile repair laws and will mediate disputes between consumers and dealers. 12430

Montague St., Pacoima 91331. (818) 897-0051.

* The Department of Motor Vehicles will investigate problems with transfer of titles, registration fees, failure to pay off a former owner, odometer tampering and driving schools, among others. 14920 Vanowen St., Van Nuys 91405. (818) 901-5471. Or, 20725 Sherman Way, Winnetka 91306. (818) 346-0133.

* AUTOCAP (Automotive Consumer Action Program) will determine if you qualify under California’s “Lemon Law,” which requires automobile manufacturers to refund your car’s purchase price should you get stuck with a lemon. 5757 W. Century Blvd., Suite 310, Los Angeles 90045. (213) 306-6232. (800) 722-0579.

* Is the second $560,000 payment on your $14-million Lotto jackpot late? Perhaps it’s just an oversight. The Lottery Commission accepts complaints concerning late payments, misleading lottery brochures, uncooperative retailers and ticket tampering. 6935 Van Nuys Blvd., Van Nuys 91405. (818) 901-5006. (800) 225-6669.

* You may want to dial (800) CUT-SMOG the next time you see an old clunker laying a thick blue blanket of exhaust fumes on the freeway. Be prepared to give the operator the time and day you saw the offending vehicle, description of vehicle, location and license number. A warning letter will be sent to the owner, advising immediate repair.

* The South Coast Air Quality Management District has a toxic substances response team, dispatched to the scene of events such as the escape of toxic gas from an industrial plant. 9150 Flair Drive, El Monte 91731. (800) 572-6306.

* The state Department of Health Services, Hazardous Materials Control

Program will accept reports of toxic waste spills. 2615 South Grand Ave., Room 607, Los Angeles 90007. (213) 744-3223.

* The Los Angeles Police Department’s Bunco-Forgery Division will accept reports of forgery within the city of Los Angeles. (213) 485-4131. Phone (213) 485-3795 to report con games, bunco schemes and consumer fraud. For complaints about forgery or fraud within Los Angeles County, phone (213) 946-7212.

* Operacion Estafadores, staffed by L.A. Police Department detectives, will investigate consumer fraud and bunco schemes in the Spanish-speaking community. 2065 Marengo St., Los Angeles 90033. (213) 225-2293.

* Somehow that mustache seems way out of place on Ben Franklin’s face. Phone the Secret Service, which can tell you if your $100 bill is counterfeit. (213) 894-4830.

* The state Department of Social Services has a Community Care Licensing complaint hot line that handles complaints against private nursery schools and day-care centers. An operator will refer callers to additional numbers that handle facilities run by the county. (800) 422-5669.

* Caltrans will listen to your gripes about excessive highway noise. (213) 620-3550.

* The Disabled Riders Emergency Hotline will handle complaints about bus service from disabled RTD riders. (800) 621-7828.

* The Postal Inspection Service will investigate mail fraud, pornography, narcotics and explosives sent through the mail and theft of mail. (Should you desire to block junk mail, ask for form 2150.) P.O. Box 2000 Pasadena 91102. (818) 405-1200. (800) 847-8847.

* The Student Consumer Information Center directs Cal State Northridge’s students and community residents to the proper consumer-protection agencies. (818) 885-4726.

* The state Department of Telecommunications investigates complaints involving cable TV companies. 120 S. San Pedro St., Suite 600, Los Angeles 90012. (213) 485-2751.

* The county’s Department of Animal Care and Control investigates people who keep wild animals without permits and also will accept complaints concerning barking dogs, kennels, pet shops and stray animals. 29525 Agoura Road, Agoura 91301. (818) 991-0071. 31044 N. Charlie Canyon Road, Castaic 91310. (818) 367-7696. (818) 367-8065.

* If you live near the Van Nuys or Burbank airports, you might want to keep these numbers handy: Van Nuys Airport Noise Line, (818) 785-1418, and the Burbank Aircraft Noise Report Line, (800) 441-0409.

* The state Bureau of Electronic and Appliance Repair will accept complains about the repair, service or maintenance of electronic equipment, including televisions, radios, video recorders, washers and all major kitchen appliances. 107 S. Broadway, Room 8040, Los Angeles 90012. (213) 620-4132.

* The Consumer Action Center will assist with tenant-landlord disputes, helping mediate and also providing referrals to other agencies. There is no cost for the service. 1020 North Fair Oaks, Pasadena 91103. (818) 794-7194.

* The state Department of Fair Employment and Housing investigates complaints of discrimination based on race, religion, national origin, sex, sexual orientation, marital status, age and physical handicap. 322 W. First St., Room 2126, Los Angeles 90012. (213) 620-2610.

* The California Highway Patrol will help in the speedy removal of impediments to traffic, such as stray hubcaps, carburetors and drive shafts. The department also will dispatch first aid and emergency personnel and listen to your concerns about traffic control and coordination. 25111 The Old Road, Newhall 91381. (818) 367-6177.

* The state Department of Savings and Loan accepts complaints concerning errors in computing interest on savings deposits and loans, improper foreclosure on real estate loans and failure to meet loan commitments, among others. For state-licensed savings and loans, contact the state Department of Savings and Loan, 600 South Commonwealth, 15th Floor, Los Angeles 90005. (213) 736-2798. For federally chartered institutions, contact the Federal Home Loan Bank, Regulatory Compliance, FHLD-SF, P.O. Box 7948, San Francisco 94120 (800) 652-1646.

* The state Commission on Teachers Credentialing will check the credentials of teachers. You will need to provide the teacher’s birth date and Social Security number. 1812 9th Street, Sacramento 95814, (916) 324-8001.

* Haven’t seen what your looking for? Contact the Department of Consumer Affairs, which can look up the number you need in its 400-page reference book. 14617 Victory Blvd., Van Nuys 91411. (818) 901-3829. 901-3820. Tuesday, Wednesday or Friday.

Finally, a few other complaint-oriented services:

* Los Angeles County Dispute Settlement Service. A mediator assists disputing parties in reaching an agreeable solution. The service is free and assists consumers, businesses, renters, property owners, vendors and neighbors. The service does not handle cases involving criminal acts and malpractice and family law, including divorce. 14617 Victory Blvd., Van Nuys 91411. (818) 901-3820. Tuesday, Wednesday or Friday.

* The Better Business Bureau. P.O. Box 970, Colton 92324. (714) 825-7280. (800) 227-4401.

* Small Claims Courts handle lawsuits requesting up to $2,000 in damages: Van Nuys--14400 Erwin St. Mall, Van Nuys 91401. (818) 374-2629. Glendale--600 East Broadway, Los Angeles 91205 (818) 500-3538. Burbank--300 E. Olive Ave., Burbank 91502. (818) 500-3462. San Fernando--900 Third St., San Fernando 91430. (818) 898-2425.